COPS: Special Edition-Chuck E Cheese

Grab your cupcakes and pizza kids - there was a new LIVE show at Chuck E Cheese in Aurora, CO the other night. No, it wasn't the usual squeaky mechanical animals performing on stage last Sunday afternoon that caught customers attention, it was the man being tasered at the salad bar! Police were called to the Chuck E Cheese in the suburb of Denver when 29 year-old Danon Gale couldn't prove to a manager that he had paid for the trip to the salad bar after loading his plate like a hungry soldier. But he wasn't the only soldier there that night - the police showed up to take care of this serious situation. "All units - CODE 3 to the Chuck E Cheese salad bar" crackled over the police radio. When officers showed up, the stories start conflicting about what actually happened (you know, who pushed who first). But it all ended with the salad bandit getting tasered twice by the police, in front of his 3 and 7 year old kids as well as a full house of other children and families. Chuck E Cheese managers said, "When the police began tasering him, he really had some great moves and we're thinking about incorporating them into our live dance shows so kids can watch it again and again." Okay, they didn't really say that. In fact, they've hired an attorney and refused to comment. Maybe it's time to pick a new place for family entertainment.

Check out the full story of the salad bar tasering.

Jobs we never admit to

Thinking back on all the jobs I've had, I start to wonder: What was I thinking? As you know if you've read my blog, I was Chuck E Cheese for a while. I remember actually thinking as I applied how cool it would be to wear around that huge rat costume. Truth be told, it was terrible. It was so hot - you're covered by layers of padded fur and you have to dance every hour. The mini fan in the head of Chuck E doesn't come close to cooling you down. I used to sweat so much, my glasses would slide off my face inside the Chuck E head. Plus, you've got kids pulling a tugging on you wanting constant attention. I think parents who don't give thier kids enough attention take them to Chuck E Cheese. That way, they can get hugs and have someone hold thier hand as they walk around, while mom and dad sit at the table drinking cheap beer and even worse wine. I guess those help wash down the awful pizza and make parents forget they don't give their kids enough attention. Then kids can win cheesy prizes for playing games and collecting tickets. I don't know what the attraction is, but I'll admit I loved going there as a kid too. But working there was a whole different story. What was I thinking?

It's ABOUT time...

Well, apparently I don't have any felonies on my record. My real estate background check finally came back along with my license! I'm finally official. Yes, my 3-month vacation from working is over. Now, I have to really get started and work like most normal people. I'll be working with Brian Slivka at ReMax Properties, Inc. the #1 selling real estate firm in Colorado Springs. We have 5 offices and almost 300 employees, so there's a great training program and good reputation behind me. So, now it's your turn - I really need you to keep me in mind if you're looking to buy or sell a house, or if you know someone who is....or if you're like Ruth, and want to relocate to Colorado Springs (we'll talk Ruth...trust me.)

So, here's my info:

Toby Lorenc
PeakDream.com
RE/MAX Properties, Inc.
216 N. Tejon St
Colorado Springs, CO 80903
(719) 332-4816 cell
(719) 635-SOLD main

Yes, welcome to the "world of working people" Toby.

Well, thanks for asking what else is going on...I've joined a Colorado Springs improv group (The Stick Horses in Pants) to make people laugh when I'm not working. It's been fun so far but I've only been in a few shows. I'll let you know when the next show is so you can come heckle me.

Public Announcement

I think one of the best purchases I ever made was a $40 CB radio with a PA option, and a $14 bullhorn speaker that I inconspicuously placed behind the grill of my '86 Chevy Nova. I know, that's a lot of numbers - all you need to remember is that it's illegal. But it brought hours of fun, many laughs, and no felonies (thankfully). One time, I was on a date and we went to Garden of the Gods Park. Not to walk around or enjoy the scenery, but to use my PA system. It was about 10:30PM, I pulled the car up to a trailhead and killed the headlights. Then, in a calm voice, I got on the PA and said, "Thanks for visiting Garden of the Gods Park. The park is now closed. Anyone remaining in the park will receive a $300 fine. Thank you." It wasn't but 10 seconds later, we see a group of teenagers running up the trail towards our car in the parking lot. They didn't think it was as funny as we did. Probably the most illegal use of the PA was in the car on the highway when my roommate was making police-siren sounds and people were actually pulling over. The next thing we knew, we were being pulled over. When the officer approached the car she said, "Do you know why I'm pulling you over?" We were scared spitless and said we weren't sure why....thankfully, she had not heard the PA but only noticed that one of my friends didn't have a seat belt on. WHEW! That's called "Impersonating a Police Officer" and I think I could have done time. On another occassion, I pulled up to a busy gas station and announced, "Thanks for filling up at Diamond Shamrock. Free coffee with every fill up today!" I'm sure the clerk had some explaining to do when customers requested their free coffee. It was amazing that people didn't think twice and just assumed what they were hearing was the loud speaker at the gas station. Yes, many fond memories. I also enjoyed playing tricks on co-workers. For example, after work one day I was getting into my car ready to leave when I saw a fellow co-worker walking out the front door. She had her arms full with various bags and crap she was brining home from work. So, I got on the PA and said, "Barbara, you have a call at the front desk, Barbara, front desk." You could tell she didn't want to turn around and go back inside - she'd barely been able to open the door the first time with all the things she was carrying. But, like any good employee, she turned around and went back in. Less than a minute later, she was coming out again, fumbling with all her stuff. Another opportunity: "Barbara - please report to the front desk. Barbara" This time, she was ticked - you could see it on her face, but she turned around and went back inside. Finally, the third time as I was making another announcement, she was downright upset. She looked around, and spotted me in my car just a few feet in front of her. The funny thing is there wasn't even an outdoor intercom system...but she fell for it. Good times. I'm a jerk.

Okay, so here it is....CHAD BLEW MY COVER!

Well, after quiting my job and the "unnamed" publishing company, I went to school for real estate. I just finished the class a week ago, and today I took my official national and state exams to be licensed in Colorado....and I PASSED! Yippee! Thanks for all of your who have been encouraging me through this venture - it feels good to have it completed and moving onto the next step (which is actually APPLYING for my license and making sure the FBI doesn't find out anything too serious when they're doing my background check).
Anyway, I still have some days of being unemployed in my future as I work out all the details, but passing the exam was a huge step.

Near Death Experience for Chuck E Cheese

It's every parents nightmare. They ask their kids what they want to do for their birthday and the "precious little children" opt to go to Chuck E Cheese Pizza. I know how much parents hate it - from personal experience. I use to work there and one of my main duties was hosting birthday parties. I was their personal host for an hour and a half. It was awful. The parents were more than likely grumpy as the realization hit them they would be spending much more than planned for little Jimmy's special day. It's bad enough just to take your kids there and have them yelling and screaming and whining for more tokens. What's even worse is having 20 other peoples' kids there. It never ended. It was one Exedrin headache after another. One of my duties was dressing up in the Chuck E costume and walking around hugging the kids. Ironic isn't it? At furry rat making up for love their parents never gave them. Anyway, that usually wasn't too bad, until some brat came up to me with what I thought was a friendly handshake, only to find out that he secretly mashed his chewing gum into my furry paw. I was also punched in the crotch more times than you can imagine. But, I had passive-aggressive ways to get revenge on the little twerps. Like the time I was walking down the isle, leading a train of about 20 children, marching happily along through the dining room. Unfortunately, Chuck E's shoes are about five times as big as mine and a little trickier to walk in. Consequently, the overly large red shoe caught on a chair and sent me tumbling to the floor. The train of children suddenly came to a screeching halt as Chuck E's head rolled down the isle and his body lay limp next to the tipped-over chair. Their happy little smiling faces instantly became hardened with fear, for Chuck E may have died in their minds at that moment. But, I knew the death of Chuck E would be far too traumatic for these small, virgin eyes. So, I slowly slithered along the floor on my furry belly until I reached my jumbo sized head. As I looked more closely, I realized the horrific fall had broken off the two front teeth from Chuck E's plastic face and cracked the left ear. But these were the least of my concerns - I had to pull through...for the children. I couldn't stop now; I must show them that Chuck E lives! So, I slipped the head back on, stood up quickly, and with my plastic smile and missing teeth, confidently continued my joyous march around the dining room. That's one birthday those children will always remember.

Jesus Loves Porn Stars

Well, I have to say, NavPress is certainly "reaching new markets". After Amercian Bible Society backed out of their agreements, NavPress is now making arrangements to publish the Message Bible with a bright yellow and pink cover that simply says, "Jesus Loves Porn Stars". The Bible will be handed out at adult porn conventions by xxxchurch.com. Some people are truly offended by this, but the fact is it's true! No, Jesus doesn't love what they're doing or what they support, but He still has an unconditional love for them.
Check out Beliefnet.com for more information or xxxchurch.com to order your own copy.

If I had a birthday party and could invite all my friends, it would mostly be flight attendants, rental car counter personnel, and TSA agents.

Well, another fun trip. Have I mentioned my love for travel? I figured I spent about 120 nights in hotels last year for work, not including personal travel. So far, about 40 this year. Tonight, I’m staying at an old favorite – the Hampton Inn Peabody (see this past blog for a recap of my last visit here). It was quite a adventure getting into Boston. THIRFTY Rental Car decided to rent the car I had booked with my reservation. So, AVIS was the next choice and all they had were minivan’s and Cadillac’s. My “inner geezer” chose the Caddy. So, I’m pimpin’ through Boston in my Caddy, looking like a possible dealer – or just a pimp. Tomorrow, it’s off to the airport for a 7:30 AM flight to Nashville (5:30 Colorado time). Most of you aren’t even up then – slackers.
I know travel is beginning to take a toll on my sanity when I start watching TV shows like Dog the Bounty Hunter and sumo wrestling on ESPN. Plus, when I’m home I miss the warm glow from the emergency orange-nightlite coming from the wall mounted hairdryer in the bathroom and the sheets tucked in so tight on the bed that I can’t feel my legs after 15 minutes. Only on the road my friends. Let me know if there’s something else you’d rather hear me complain about. I’m always up for suggestions.

Things that work - things that don't

Before you travel, let's review a list of both things that work in your hotel room, and things that don't:
THINGS THAT DON'T:
1) In-room iron
It will simply leak all over your clothes that you can't really press anyway thanks to the fine-quality Sunbeam irons that the hotel so thoughtfully selects for their premier guests.
2) Alarm Clock
Bring your own - despite your best efforts, you'll never be able to set these to actually go off at the right time
3) Key Card Locked Doors
Insert = Red light - dangit. Insert again = Red light - piece of... Insert again = YELLOW LIGHT!! what the *** does yellow mean?
4) Hot tub
Sorry for the inconvenience, but you've chosen to stay with us for the week that our hot tub is under major repairs.
5) Under-window temperature control unit
You have two options: off or on. Recommended: crank it up and cook for a while, then shut off to freeze.
NOW, THINGS THAT DO WORK:
1) In-room Iron
looks like the iron works after all. I just got a 3rd degree burn, but it still won't take the wrinkles out of my clothes
2) Alarm Clock
wow, that works too. apparently it has a dual alarm feature and the funny guy before set it to go off at 2:17 AM
3) Key Car Locked Doors
sure enough...I just closed my door without the key and it's securely locked. I guess it's time for a trip to the front desk in my pajamas.
4) Fire Alarm
blazing loud and clear - definitely works, except that it leaves me disabled in my room with a heart attack, left to burn
5) TV Remote
well, the volume up works, but I can't get it turned back down

Really - you're missing out on the glamour if you don't travel.

I found my desk - it's gray.

Many of you will be pleased to know I cleaned up my desk. That's right - cleaned. I've recovered some important items that have been lost for years. Apparently, I've been getting some magazines I didn't know about that were burried under piles of stuff. Also, thanks so much to all of you who sent Christmas cards in 2003 - they were lovely. Unfortunately, one item which I always thought was a stuffed-plush toy left by a caring coworker turned out to just be a clod of dust that had collected in the corner.I've also returned all employee dishes to the kitchen, found some coffee mugs, and a Starbucks gift certificate. As you look at the pictures, notice a few things: there's a large silver calculator on the desk in the first picture just above the top of the chair. Yes, it's a calculator and it's almost as big as my computer. Thanks to my coworkers who think I'm suffering from farsightedness. Also, note there's a dart board for when I'm on the phone with boring customers (not you Ruth, of course), and Mr. Potatoe Head is always watching me work (probably bugged with hidden cameras so management can watch me). I'm a "pile" type guy - everything looks disorganized to you, but I know what's in each pile (with the exception of that gift certificate and a few other crucial, highly-sensitive papers). Finally, here's the new office....
...we'll see how long it lasts.

I should have said something...before I started screaming

Like everyone, I have my....quarks. Perhaps one of the more disturbing would be the fact that occassionally I'll wake up screaming at night. I usually try to warn new roommates or coworkers if we're traveling together, but sometimes I just forget. I've been told that I "scream like a 4th grade girl at recess". Seems natural. I've scarred more than one person with these sudden bursts of terror. Usually, my dreams aren't really that scarry. You see, the way I describe it is this: some people have dreams that make them twitch a little, perhaps snort really loud, or even wake up breathing a little faster - I just sit up screaming. Simple. I often wake myself up as well, and then laugh it off and go back to sleep. However, it seems to keep my roommates up for a while longer. One roommate actually thought he heard a mountain lion outside, but no, it was me. I've had hotel security called on me once - I'm sure the folks next door thought someone was being murdered. Did I mention I talk too? Yes, I do. Crazy things about random things, but it all makes sense in my head. Once, I was camping with some friends and had gone to bed early. When my buddy came into the tent late that night, after zipping it up, he turned around only to be nose-to-nose with me. According to him, my eyes were open and I said, "Hey man, did you find your shoe?". Then, I just flopped back down onto my sleeping bag. I guess it was a little strange. I don't know - I don't remember it. Anyway, let this be your fair warning: if you're ever my roommate, neighbor, or in the same hotel as me, just make sure you hear me laughing after the scream and you'll know I'm alrgiht. And please - don't call security. That's embarrassing. All that said, feel free to analyze your own dreams.

"Days Inn: Just A Gunshot Away!"

Sometimes I make poor decisions. About 2 weeks ago, I booked a room for 2 nights at the Days Inn in Nashville (on West End Ave). That was a bad decision. Right now, I'm dealing with the consequences of my bad decision - night #2. Mental Note: Sometimes it's worth paying a little more to stay alive and free of diseases. In honor of this smashing hotel, I've created a Top 10 list for your enjoyment and my sanity:
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE DAYS INN:
10) Could you shut the drapes? The neon lights from the gentleman's club are really bright
9) Good thing they patched that leak in the ceiling - this mattress can't hold much more water
8) Those dead bugs really help block the draft coming in through the window
7) Thanks for helping us conserve water by hanging your towel on the bathroom door if we can use it again for another guest
6) Feel free to use the chair in your room to prop under the door handle while you sleep.
5) The gunshots are much further away than they sound
4) My hands are filthy - all I did was pull back the shower curtain
3) Park anywhere you want on our property - it's a guessing game which car will get broken into tonight
2) If someone knocks on your door claiming to be housekeeping, it's a trick - we don't have housekeeping
AND NUMBER ONE....
1) Sorry, no vacancy. All rooms are being used by the Nashville PD for surveillance

Newly Renovated: FREE FUMES!

If you're looking to travel to Boston, may I suggest the newly renovated Hampton Inn in Peabody. Conveniently located off Route 1, this once trashy, dump off the highway has been remodeled. Yes, it's certainly a privledge to stay here now - they must have just finished painting and laying carpet before I walked in. There's the overbearing smell of new carpet glue (similar to the toxic fumes that escape when you burn plastic in the campfire), combined with a refreshing hint of paint. I was going to go out and get some dinner, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to operate heavy machinery after being in this room more than 1 hour. If I slip into a coma, come get my body in Rm 523 (wear your grubbies - don't want to get paint on your church clothes).
I'll just keep touching my fingertip to my nose and saying the alphabet backwards to make sure the fumes aren't affecting me too much.

Isn't it Ironic, Don't ya think...a little to-o i-ronic

well, the title isn't very original (and it's actually copyrighted as well) but the fact of the matter is this: I decided to create this blog so I would have something to keep me entertained on the road while I travel. However, now I'm not having time to blog because...that's right - i'm traveling. Hmmmm.
I just got back from Canada. It was cold - like God was punshing me for something stupid I've done. The only thing stupid that I could think of....was going to Canada. Actually, it was a great trip and we had lots of fun. You can see some pictures if you want. We went to Edmonton for a large conference and then up to Jasper for a day off.
I've given my most deep and sincere apologies to Ruth for not blogging, and now, I officially offer them to the rest of you.
NEXT TRIP: Grand Rapids, MI
NUMBER OF NIGHTS: 1
LEVEL OF EXCITEMENT: 0
FUN THINGS TO DO IN GR: 1 - leave
BEST TIME TO VISIT: Night, there's nothing to see anyway
OVERALL RATING: better than Detroit

This just in: I'm still alive

I've been lost in the mountains for weeks - that's why I haven't blogged! Okay, maybe not. I really have no excuse. It's kind of like taking out my trash - I just didn't get around to it until people started to worry. No, I've been a complete slacker. Last week, I went to Hershey, PA and Chicago, IL and just got back yesterday. I love going to Chicago because I know each time that if I drive in Chicago traffic and live to tell about it, God has a very special plan for my life. Anyway, it was a business trip, but lots of fun too. Then, today I went hiking in the beautiful Rocky Mountains (hence the picture). I will post more later - I'm not really feeling creative right now, but due to the comments, I felt it necessary to confirm that I was indeed alive.

On the Mafia hitlist

Chicago has to be one of the greatest cities. Excellent food, great shopping (apparently), and the Mafia. Yes, I'm in Chicago (again) for a conference which ended tonight. Me and a few coworkers ended the night with drinks and cigars at the bar, which was fun and low key. Last night however was much more adventurous. You see, I have to set the story up: last year when I was here, I went to a local Chicago Italian restaurant with my boss. As we sat there eating our lunch, we noticed this place was authentic, down to the table of "the family" in the back smoking cigars and talking about how "business" was going (not necessarily at the food business). Anyway, the longer we stayed the more "family" showed up and pretty soon we were the only customers in the restaurant. The waiter was very nice to us, but was subtly suggesting we leave as he showed the men arriving into a private room off to the side. All that said, it was quite the experience and we figured we should leave while we could. So, back to the present, we told our sales team about this place and they decided they wanted to go check it out. So last night, 10 of us went there for dinner. All was going well until our CEO decided to make the hilarious comment to one of the owners, "We came to see the Mafia!" Our jaws dropped and our lives flashed before our eyes is disbelief at his comment. Also, the owner was not amused by his comment and got this look in his eye like, "Eat up - it's you last meal". So, for the rest of the night we feared any special invitations to "come see the kitchen" or "take a tour of the city, ending at the lake".
Lesson learned: Don't make Mafia jokes when the Mafia is standing right there.

And then there was the Fall

No, no - not the Adam and Eve fall! Fall, as in the season. It's already here and almost gone. I took this picture one Saturday that I was actually home. I had just returned from a sales trip to Canada and I just needed a day to enjoy where I live, so I went out and took pictures. This picture is of the entrance to Glen Eyrie Castle in Colorado Springs. If you've never been there, it's a must see at the foot of the Rocky Mountains.
I love Fall - it's by far my favorite season. However, We've already had our first snow here in Colorado. It came in early OCT (the 10th I believe) and left me waiting in another airport....which begs the question, how much longer can I handle a job that I travel non-stop? Hmmmm...

Oh, Canada

Well, I've certainly been slacking with the blogging. what can I say - I have things to do, people to see, ... who am I kidding. I'm sitting in my hotel room at Niagara Falls (Canada side). I'm learning LOTS of interesting things about Canada. For instance, poutine. Have you ever heard of this? Basically, it's french fries with brown gravy and cheese curds melting over the top. "I can actually HEAR you getting fat" comes to mind. it's actually not too bad - just a heads up that they often ask you if you want gravy on your fries up here. i got fish and chips one day and the waitress asked if I wanted gravvy. I said, "No, just malt vinegar" and she laughed knowing that I was for sure an American. Anyway, now you know so you won't make the same mistake.
Last week, I was in Edmonton (the OTHER side of Canada - western) at a youth conference. that was a blast, but I'm worn out.
This week, I get to be here in Niagara Falls. It is beautiful and I would definitely recommend anyone making the trip. Make sure you visit Niagara On the Lake if you're on the Canada side. It's very touristy, but a nice, quaint little place with lots of overpriced shops.

Aaahhh, the joy of travel

Remember me? We were probably friends at one point before I started traveling for a living. My job is taking me across the country for the past 4 years, but now the travel has increased even more. I keep telling my girlfriend that it's like 'Summer Camp'. One week at a time that we're away and it'll go so quick she'll barely notice that I'm gone. Yeah, that was a nice idea but not so much.
So if you don't know me, welcome into my head. I needed something to keep me sane while I travel, so i thought blogging was a nice option. Let me introduce myself: I'm strange, sometimes funny, and somewhat bitter about random things. That's all you need to know - I don't want anyone stalking me. Speaking of stalking, I used to work at Focus on the Family. I was a tour guide so i had lots of interaction with the public. The security staff there recommended that I didn't put my last name on my ID Badge for fear of guests stalking me (believe it or not, it had happened in the past with other tour guides). Despite their advice, I included my last name and figured, "Aaah, I'm a college student. A little excitement of a stalker might be fun." No one ever stalked me (i know, you thought that was going to be a really good story. nope.) I loved being in college - I didn't have anything. everyone was so worried about Y2K when I was in college. People were warning me to prepare and stock up for "the end of the world". I never did, because I figured even if I loose everything I have....I'm out $300 bucks.
Currently, I'm in a hotel room in Grand Rapids, MI. DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN GR, MI?!?! nothing, except a customer I needed to see. Earlier this week I was in Chicago (city and suburbs) and I finally get to spend a few days at home starting tomorrow. I hit some great food spots in Chicago, including a pizza and grinders restuarant downtown on Clark. It was amazing food. Also, I never miss going to Portillo's for hot dogs when I'm there. Good choice.
But traveling certainly creates lots of great stories to tell. For instance, last time I flew to Chicago, I was suddenly awaken on the plane by a loud, gushy, belching sound. At first I didn't know what it was, until I looked down and saw the vomit on my clothes from the passenger behind me. He apologized (wasn't that nice!) but "sorry" doesn't make the vomit go away. understand that I have just about the weakest stomach ever. I can't handle blood, vomit, boogers, or other secretions from the human body. I could never make it in a hospital, and I sometimes question if I could ever handle having kids. All that said, I would have lost my breakfast that morning on the plane, but United Airlines sidesteped that landmine by no longer serving meals on flights. No, just small bags of "Plane Cheezies" (a terrible imitation of Cheezit crackers shapped like airplanes - seriously, what am I, 5 years old? what a joke). So, the flight attendant (or whatever the PC term is now) brought me some wetwipes to clean off my khaki pants so I could attend my morning meeting that I was flying in for. What a day.
This trip, there are many stories - some which are a little vulgar and being that my mother could read this I won't share. One consistent problem of traveling is often I'll travel with roommates/coworkers. I try to remember to warn them that I talk in my sleep and occasionally scream like a 4th grade girl at recess. Now, understand that I'm not really a cussing-type-guy. But the other night I woke my roommate up with one simple word, yelled at the top of my lungs - $#!+!!!! Even though he was shaking and his heartrate trippled, deep down i think he thought it was funny.
Well, stick with me on my adventures on the road - we'll talk soon.