Monday, October 29, 2007

Wanna Treat?!? It's still warm...

I just spent the last 8 days dogsitting my parents two dogs. I don't know why I don't have a dog...oh..wait...I remember. Because I don't enjoy picking up steaming hot dog poop with my hand wrapped around Tuesday's blue newspaper bag. Notice, I didn't say Sunday's bag. That's because the Sunday paper is stuffed with ads and that Parade Magazine that no one reads. All that extra weight usually results in the paper hitting the porch a little harder at 4AM on Sunday morning when the unemployed Intel worker delivers my paper. The force of his anger and the extra weight of the paper usually rips a hole in the corner of the Sunday bag and that makes for poor protection of my hands 30 seconds after the dogs have pinched off a fresh one in the neighbors yard. Although, even after a short week of this delightful duty, I started learning other tricks to save time and the feeling of repulsiveness of picking up Pedigree biproducts. For instance, if you carry a bag along with you while you walk the dogs and throw some rocks in it, then bend down and grab a handful of grass directly next to the target, the neighbors think you're cleaning it up. Also, I was a little confused what to do with the bags full of poop? Is it okay to just throw those away in the Bestway dumpster? I hope so. Sorry Bestway...oh, and sorry to the neighbors who's yard I left poop in and just pulled some of their grass out.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

What's under YOUR bed?

Have you ever stayed at "one of those" hotels? Last weekend, I went up to Denver for 2 events. First, there was the Great American Beer Festival on Thursday night and then the Denver Improv Festival on Friday and Saturday. I decided that I didn't really care to fight Denver traffic both morning and night, so I got a hotel room. If you don't know me, let me tell you that I'm not exactly a "planner". So, 2 days before I went to Denver, I started buying my tickets for the fesitvals and checking on hotels. Unfortunately, there were a lot of major events going on in the city that weekend and rooms were hard to find. However, I thought I had found the deal that everyone else had somehow overlooked. A hotel room for $40 per night! What a steal - man, am I lucky. I don't know how everyone else passed this up! It was just on the other side of the bridge from downtown on Speer at the highly-exclusive Knights Inn. Well, I quickly figured out why there was still vacancy. It was a small, cinder block building painted a beautiful dirt-cream color, with a spacious courtyard in the center. The rooms were still decorated for this century, with Goodwill quality couches and hammock style beds (meaning you roll to the middle no matter where you lay on the bed). There was no alarm clock, or clock at all for that matter, so you can just relax in your flea-bag room and not worry about the time. Although, relaxing on the bed was hard since there was a glass sliding door just inches from the bed that exited to the ground level courtyard where you could buy any variety of the latest street drugs. Now let's venture back to the bathroom. The yellow-tinted lights made it difficult to see if the tile was actually yellow too, but there was just enough light to verify a large brown stain on the cheap white towels. Mmmmm. Although the water initially spurted out dark brown, it quickly turned an off-yellow color, probably safe for brushing your teeth...I think. Let's go back out to the main room and relax......OHHHH...WHAT'S THAT SMELL? Yeah, it was late Thursday night when I caught a whif of a very bad baby poop. My first thought jumped back to an episode of Myth Busters where an unsuspecting couple found a dead body decomposing under their bed. So, I looked behind the olive green couch - no, not there - then under the bed. AHA! A half-eaten english muffin (which is funny since the hotel didn't provide breakfast) and a baby sippy cup further under the bed. Okay. Let's head back to the bathroom, puke a little, and then get a trash bag. I stuck my hand inside, wrapped it around my arm, layed on the bed and reached WAY under to grab the clear sippy cup. I had definitely found the source of the stench. Apparently, Junior wasn't very hungry and tossed his breakfast under the bed a few months ago. The sippy cup had a large, white,rock-hard piece of chunky milk in it. Back to the bathroom to vomit a little more, and then out to the dump with my check-in surprise. Thank you Knights in for two lovely nights in Denver - for only $89.99 with tax!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Nothing like decomposing carcass to wake you up in the morning

Yep, these are the true stories of my daily life. Here's a fun one:
I woke up early this morning for a 7:30 breakfast meeting. I'm not a morning person in general...okay, at mornings aren't exactly my time to shine. After getting ready and preparing to prep myself for the day, I decided it may be a good idea to brush the sticky film that had attached itself to my teeth in my sleep (you're welcome for the visual). I pasted up and stuck the toothbrush in my mouth and immediately smelled a distinct, foul odor. At first, I thought it was my hand perhaps dying from a rare disease while still attached to my body. After sniffing my fingers like Mary Catherine Gallagher, I realized the noxious odor was coming from the handle of my toothbrush. So I pulled out my roommates toothbrush from the toothbrush-cup holder and found the same unpleasant smell. (I know you're getting bored with the story, but hang in there). I took off the top and looked in the bottom of the cup to find a dead bug, decomposing in my toothbrush holder. The smell was....well, overwhelming and I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Let's look at the science of this real life experience. Wikipedia defines decomposition as:

The body of a living organism begins to decompose (as part of a succession) shortly after death. Such decomposition can be simplified in two stages: In the first stage, it is limited to the production of vapors. In the second stage, liquid materials form and the flesh or plant matter begins to decompose. The science which studies such decomposition generally is called taphonomy.

Yummy. Thankfully, my small dead friend was in the first stage and after some heavy doses of scalding hot water on all our toothbrush accessories, I think I've corrected the problem. I have to say, it wasn't the "grand start of the day" I was hoping for. This is my life...seriously.