Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Dear Taco Bell

Dear Taco Bell,
What happened today was a mistake. I knew I should have stopped earlier, but I just kept going. It's so hard for me, after all these years. I think I loved you once, but you've changed.

Over the past 10 years, you've hurt me many times and left me begging on my knees for the pain to stop. I knew I couldn't go on like that, so I made a decision to not come back to you. But after a while, I started wondering "what would it be like now." I thought maybe things had changed.

I heard about some new things you were working on and it sounded like you were doing well. The $5 box lured me in, only to find out you had stuffed it with things that would end up hurting me again.

I think it's best if we part ways and never cross paths again. I want to love you, but you insist on hurting me and bringing up what we just finished. My heart says yes, but my body says no. I have to trust my gut on this one and call it quits.

I'm ready for a new chapter in my life. I didn't want to tell you this, but I've been seeing Wendy lately. She just offers me things I can't get from you. Anyway, I'm sure you're not interested in hearing about that.

Tell Cinnamon Twist I said hi.


Other posts you might enjoy:
Dear Wendy's Sandwich Makers
Dear Makers of Tag Body Spray
Dear Friends
Dear Massage Therapist

Monday, December 27, 2010

I saw your Facebook post

Yes, I saw your cry for attention disguised as a Facebook post, I just chose not to comment.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Dear business man having an outdoor meeting

Dear business man having an outdoor meeting,
Thanks for the entertainment this morning. When you started spreading your paperwork across the table outside on a windy day, I thought, "Surely he knows that's all going to blow away." But you looked so polished and professional, like you knew exactly what you were doing...well, that is until your paperwork started blowing everywhere throughout Manitou Springs. I'm not sure what sort of product you were pitching or proposal you were making, but I'm sure you left a killer impression with your clients as you ran around stomping on the pages of your pitch. I know I was impressed.
Thanks again,

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The 4th of July is over so please shoot off your remaining fireworks

Dear Neighbor,
I would like to request that you shoot off all your remaining fireworks tonight, as my patience is running thin. I'm glad that you've enjoyed the 4th of July holiday so much and I can't tell you how pleased I am with your patriotism. However, we're now well past the Independence Day celebration period.

I'm not sure if you're simply a pyromaniac or if you bought the family pack of fireworks at Sam's Club and you're just trying to get your money's worth, but it's time to fizzle out your wicks.

Typically, I fall asleep to music, a good book, or you and your wife screaming at each other (okay, that's not true. I don't read). But lately I've been lying in bed hearing loud pops, trying to determine if you've been shot by your wife or if you ignited another firework. After the "pop" I don't hear any cheering or celebratory laughter, so I can only assume that your wife hasn't shot you yet. This means you're in your yard, by yourself, putting on a pathetic and illegal firework show.

It's time to stop the pop. Gather all your fireworks and put on a grand finale tonight. I'll arrange for the fire department to stand by and you can get one of your buddies that you play poker with in your garage to video tape the whole thing and put it on YouTube. Then you'll have it for the entire year to enjoy at your own leisure.

Thanks for your understanding. Give me a call when you have a chance too - let's talk about how to get those Christmas lights taken down sometime before the end of summer.


Friday, July 02, 2010

Unemployment is filling my time

Well, after 4 years, I decided that real estate was not my thing. I'm still keeping my license active so if I have clients wanting to buy or sell I can refer them to a great agent.
So, I really have no excuse for not blogging more - other than the fact that I'm keeping myself busy with other things. I'm still doing improv comedy with Stick Horses in Pants, writing articles for examiner.com as the Colorado Springs Breakfast examiner, and helping a friend promote her amazing artwork.
Anyway, keep watching for more blogs - I know you're all tired of seeing the Butt Face Towel blog:)

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Home Fashions from Publishers Clearing House

Butt Face Towel
For those of you that have high self esteem, you can now purchase the Butt Face towel available from your friends at Publishers Clearing House. Yep, it's just a reminder every morning of the ridicule and harsh words your elementary classmates threw your way growing up. Order now and receive the Jack Ass wash rag set, plus the I'm A Huge Tool shower curtain.  Your whole bathroom can gleam of insults and your morning routine in the bathroom will change the way you look at your day, and yourself!

Guaranteed to lower confidence, spur depression, and send you in a downward spiral, all before your morning cup of coffee!

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Lather, Rinse, and Stop

I don't know why I decided to read the directions on my Gillette shampoo in the shower this morning because I'm pretty familiar on how to wash my hair. But I'm glad they understand me:

DIRECTIONS: Lather, rinse, and get on with your day.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Seems a bit shady to me

Sketchy Taxi Cab 
I was driving down Fillmore today when I spotted this. Does this seem a bit sketchy to anyone else?

Friday, March 26, 2010

So I locked myself out of my house this morning.  I love it when I do stuff like that - it makes me feel so smart.  Although, I still had my phone with me so I was able to make lots of early morning calls which resulted in people's voicemail.  Most of them promptly returned my calls a few hours later.  Thankfully, I had just locked all my windows a day or two before, you know, for safety.  I wouldn't want anyone crawling in the windows. I had also recently removed my hide-a-key, one of the world's best inventions when it's in place. So, I was stuck outside, with my coffee and my phone. Ideally, I should have been headed to my appointment across town that started in 15 minutes, but instead I had coffee on my front porch. It was fun to look through the back sliding door and watch my dog sit there and wag her tail.  It was like she was saying, "Hey, don't you wish you would have taught me to unlock doors?" Yep.
It's such a helpless feeling. At one point, I thought about kicking down my front door like a swat team member, or perhaps breaking a window. But I resisted. After my cup of coffee, I realized I had given a key to a friend to watch my house a when I went to Disneyworld.  I'm pretty sure he was looking for an excuse to leave work at 8am since he had been there so long already for the day.
Yep, there's really no point to this story. It's more of a long mental note to myself to remember to drop my keys into my pocket before I walk out the front door.  Noted.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Vote NOW for Best of the Springs

Colorado Springs Artist It's that time again - Gazette's annual Best Of The Springs where we all get to give our opinions on our favorite restaurants, shops, activities, bars and clubs, local artist, entertainment, comedians, etc, etc.
Make sure you submit a vote. It's a fun way to think through your favorite things about this great city of Colorado Springs and support local businesses with your votes.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Dear Wendy's Sandwich Makers

Dear Wendy's sandwich makers,
I have a few requests for the next time you make my sandwich.  Certainly, I'm no restaurant connoisseur, but there seem to be some common sense ideals I'd like to mention that perhaps you could consider.
First of all, please consider the fact that I don't eat my entire hamburger in one bite.  I don't know what kind of training you go through or what burger-making formula you're taught your first day working at Wendy's. But let me give you a little insight: most people enjoy pickles with every bite of the burger, not just the very center bite where you stack all 5 pickles on top of each other.
Same goes for the glob of mustard. There's a reason it comes out of the container in a thin line. Try rotating your hand in a circular motion around the top of the hamburger. One giant squeeze, creating "Mustard Mountain" right in the center is not the preferred method. You can also practice this method with the ketchup and mayo!
Next, onions are obviously the cheapest ingredient since you so graciously pile 1/4 pound of onion on each burger. I thought it was supposed to be a quarter pound of meat? Perhaps there is some confusion and you should go back and reference your manual.
Also, keep in mind that when surveyed, most American's preferred red tomatoes, not hard green crunchy ones. I think I may have figured this one out. Your slogan on your website reads Quality is Our Recipe. I guess I need to request that recipe next time I come in; I didn't realize it was by request only. This is no fault of yours, as a sandwich maker, but maybe just consider it in the broad scheme of things.
Finally, when I  unwrapped my burger tonight, I found most of these condiments smeared all over the sandwich wrapper and consequently all over the outside of the bun. I understand you're working for speed, but obviously that's not working out for you too well either. There's always a huge line when I come in to order and I end up waiting about 5 minutes per customer before I even make it to the counter.
Is any of this making sense to you?  Do you eat your own sandwiches and actually experience these issues that countless customers are taking in stride every meal? Certainly, you don't claim to be "sandwich artists" and it's becoming more and more clear why.
One more thought - has your store ever considered getting more than one credit card terminal for all the cash registers, which gets tied up when you get a phone call or another customer chooses to pay with credit?
Just thought you might consider my suggestions.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Drunk Napping at McDonalds

With the recent string of robberies at Subway and other sandwich shops, seems like McDonald's would be a good, safer option for families. Instead, in was the scene of another proud moment in a Colorado Springs parents' life. Colorado Springs Police found a man passed out in the play area at a local McDonald's while his kids were playing. When police showed up to arrest him, he kicked an officer in the face and then told the kids to "bite their [police] faces off".

Let's consider a few things:

First of all, who says to themselves, "I'm pretty drunk and need to pass out. I think I'll take the kids to Mc D's and cuddle up in the urine saturated ball pit."

Secondly, what kind of dental setup do these children have? Fangs? Who instructs their children to bite someone's face off?

Finally, who goes to McDonalds at all?

The incident ended when the man was tazed (hmmmm...sounds strangely similar to a recent Chuck E Cheese tazer incident) and taken into custody.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Gifts that will not be forgotten

My Great Grandma Goodenough (God rest her soul) use to send me and my cousins boxes of random things growing up. I believe she intended them as gifts and perhaps even thought we might use the items. Sometimes these gift packs were for a specific holiday and sometimes we just got them out of the blue.
You see, my grandma was a garage sale shopper. She always liked to find a deal, even if it wasn't really a deal. I once went along with her to find these gems. That particular day, she bought some plastic figurines which she later super-glued to the dashboard of her 1978 Chevy Caprice. She also tried on some used lipstick at one of the garage sales, but decided it wasn't her color and put it back.
When I was in college, my entire dorm floor would gather around when I got a box from her because the contents were always so random. For instance, one Christmas, I got a white knit stocking cap (made for a child or perhaps even an infant - keep in mind, I was about 18 years old). The best part was after talking with my brother, who was 6'4" 260lb college football player, I found out he scored with the matching infant gloves in his box. Yeah, grandma never really had a good concept of the type of things we might actually enjoy or use, but she kept trying; and kept sending, again and again.
We got everything you can imagine from garage sales across Iowa, from dirty stuffed animals, to kitchen utensils, to food that was often in a questionable state by the time it arrived at our house.
Perhaps some of the best and most memorable gifts was a bright red sweatshirt with a giant screen printed teddy bear on the front. The teddy bear print had a great big smile, open arms, and was surrounded by pink and blue hearts. At the top, it said, "I need a hug." I would have been killed instantly if I would have worn it anywhere.
But I think my all-time favorite gift, which I regret now not holding onto for memory sake, was a baby-blue mesh hat, with the words carefully embroidered on the front, "My love belongs to my Daddy." As an added touch, my name was thoughtfully airbrushed above the words.
At times, we questioned her sanity and would try to visit her so she could see how old we actually were with the hope that it might sink in that she was sending us stuff we could never use. Unbelievably, despite her poor judgment on picking gifts out for us, she always remembered exactly what she sent each of the grandkids. Needless to say, it was always awkward when she asked me face-to-face how I liked the teddy bear sweatshirt, customized faux trucker hat, and kitchen accessories.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Funny, I don't remember that...

If you've been reading my blog you know that I got a new puppy last September. She's a rescue dog, so I don't know exactly what the mix is, but definitely some lab. But that's not the point. You see, I keep finding black dog hair in weird places.
It's funny, because I don't remember telling her she could get on the couch...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember seeing her sit on the toilet seat..............but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember telling her to help herself to my Lucky Charms...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember her crawling through my miniblinds....but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember her changing my furnace filters....but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember her making me coffee in the morning...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember seeing her using my iPod headphones...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember watching her fold my laundry...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember noticing her crawl through all the heating vents...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember driving herself to the vet in my car...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember her putting on my Oakley's on a sunny day...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember her weighing herself on my scale...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember the last time she used my laptop to get online...but there's hair there.
You get the point. I guess the good news is she's with me where ever I go.