Blocks of wood make great gifts

As I procrastinate on my Christmas shopping again this year, I remembered one of my all-time worst gifts which I so graciously gave to my only brother. Sorry Chad.

I think I was about 11 years old and I had this cool box car kit. It came with wheels, nails to put the wheels on, and a wood block. It sat in my drawer for a long time until I decided that I was going to put it to good use and make a really cool, homemade gift for my older brother, Chad. He is my only sibling, which is unfortunate, because he got lots of crappy gifts from me and had no other source for gifts except my parents.

So, I started on my project. I went out to the garage and started carefully shaving wood chunks off what was meant to be the front of the car. Thankfully, I had my trusty cub scout pocket knife to assist me, but after carving off the edges to create my masterpiece (a grueling 20 minutes or so) I realized it was going to be pretty hard work and it was going to take a while. I decided I needed a break and went inside for a glass of lemonade. Unfortunately, I never worked on it again and before I knew it Christmas had rolled around. So, I put the wheels on (but I did that wrong because they didn't actually turn) and wrapped it up (actually, I think I had my mom wrap it). I didn't paint it. I didn't draw cool logos on it. I just ... put the wheels on. It didn't even look like a car. It looked like a piece of wood that had been used as a door jam for a while ... and then someone ... put wheels on it. As you can expect, it wasn't his favorite Christmas. Sorry Chad.

"It's the worst thing you can think of"

With mother's day approaching, I thought I would share some life lessons from mom.

When I was about 6 years old, my brother and I were playing football in the front yard and our annoying neighbor (Otis) came up to our house. He wanted to be included in the fun, but we really weren't interested in his company. After he asked a few times and we told him to go home, it was obvious he wasn't going to give up and we needed to take further action.

So, my brother being the smart one had me do the dirty work. My brother holds up his middle finger and tells me to go up to Otis, put it in his face and say, "Get off our property." Nice Chad. Me, being the young innocent non-tainted mind sibling had no idea what it meant but apparently it was a nice way to tell Otis to go home. So, I did it. Otis marched right past me through our yard, rang the doorbell and informed my mom of what I did. "Thank you, Otis" she replied...."Now go home" (she didn't really like him either). I knew by the tone of her voice when she called me inside that I probably shouldn't have listened to Chad's solution for getting Otis home. "Toby, we NEVER do that" my mom said. I was clueless and said, "Why not? What does it mean?" Instead of giving my six-year-old mind descriptive details, she just said, "It's the worst thing you can think of." WOW! I felt terrible and I'm sure the horrified look on my face communicated to my mother that I would never do that again, at least not until I was old enough to start driving.

A few weeks later, I was spending the night at a friends house in his tent in the backyard and we were telling dirty jokes and eating the white bread we snuck into the tent. (Yeah, white bread. Apparently that was the best we could come up with). Anyway, I decided to share my insight with my friend, Jonathan, so I held up my middle finger and said, "Check this out....it means POOP!"

Thinking back, TV shows saved my life

We're so funny as kids - we create the weirdest games with our siblings and friends, and somehow they are fun and become tradition. In fact, many times the rules are "unspoken" but you just KNOW what you can and can't do.
For instance, when my brother and I would watch TV growing up, we played a little game. It doesn't have a name, so we'll call it "Beat to Death in 2.5 Minutes." Basically, whenever we were watching TV together, at the start of any commercial break we would start wrestling. It could be dangerous, because if you didn't "see the commercial coming," you would suddenly receive a blow to the head, tackle from behind, or a shoe flying through the air in your direction. We would absolutely ravage each other for the 2.5 minute commercial break, but as soon as the show started you had to stop whatever you were doing. This factor often saved my life as my brother was crushing me under his 200 pound body while he laughed as he made me punch myself with my own hands (I hated that one - I could never figure out how to stop it when he grabbed me by the wrist and made me punch my own face). Thankfully, as soon as GI Joe, Ducktales, or C.H.i.P.S came back on my life was suddenly extended for another good 15 minutes. Sometimes it amazes me I made it through childhood. Oh, yeah...sorry if you didn't know this, mom. This is how the wall got punctured in the kitchen. My head got crushed between Chad's massive body and the drywall.

Step Up: I'm ready!

My brother and I used to fight a lot and when I say "fight" I don't mean bickering, I mean Fight Club type fight. You see, we are only 15 months apart so we've always been very close. However, at one point, my brother was about 6'4", 260 lbs and 1% body fat when he was playing football. I, on the other hand, was about 5'6", 90lbs with no body or fat. So, it was hardly ever a real even playing field. One day in elementary school (I was in 2nd, he was in 4th grade) we decided to fight out on the playground before school. Now, understand that kids would gather around and watch as my brother and I squared off. Most of my fans would continue cheering even though I was laying on the ground in crazy pain. I wanted to show them that I could win occassionally. Fun times. Anyway, this cold winter day, we resorted to fighting again, but I decided this was my day. I was set in my mind that I would beat him and all my friends would cheer. I let him throw a few punches and then I socked him right in the mouth with my winter gloves on (the kind that smell funny on the inside when they get wet). He went down instantly! But, I pretty much knew that would happen since I had slipped a handful of cold rocks into the knuckles of my gloves. I think I got a little bruise on my finger when the rocks crushed against his front teeth. Anyway, right as he fell to the ground, the teacher blew the whistle and all the kids lined up to go to class....except my brother laying in the middle of the baseball field face down, covering his face. Maybe he was thinking if he held the spot where his front teeth used to be it might stop bleeding...it's hard to say. Finally, he got up and made some threatening remark to me. I don't know...I really couldn't understand him with his new lisp. Looking back, I should have thought it through a little better and positioned the rocks so they wouldn't hurt my fingers.

Times we made mom cry

My family often went camping 4-5 times each summer when I was younger. One year, we went to a spot just up the mountain from Vail, CO. My brother and I had wondered up into the forest and had been playing up there for hours. You see, we found a tree that had fallen over onto a rock so we walked up the tree, then grabbed the top of a nearby aspen tree and jumped. I think it was a good 20-30 feet down, but aspen trees tend to be very flexible, so the strength of the tree's resistance made it "safe". What can I say -we were boys, about 12 & 13 years old at that point. I honestly can't believe I survived my childhood. Anyway, as the sun went down we decided we better start making our way back to camp. We couldn't believe how quickly it was getting dark and before we knew it, it was pitch black. So, we wondered down the mountain until we finally hit a road, realizing we were still quite a ways from our campsite. As we're walking up the road, suddenly a man (whom we've never met) comes running toward us and asks in a half-scared, half-angry voice, "ARE YOU CHAD AND TOBY!?!?" This was the point we knew we were going to be in trouble. When we finally made it back to our campsite with the escort of Mr Perky McFinderson, my dad was around the picnic table with the park ranger and other concerned campers and my mom was in the tent crying. Whoops. I guess they hadn't heard yet that we were alive. All kids make their moms cry - Clay Aiken's mom probably cries everyday. Thankfully my brother and I tried to not "bring on the waterworks" too often.

Stuntmen - make that stuntman

In response to my brother's comment on "Hair Care Holiday", let me further explain the laundry basket and staircase game. Basically, we were risk-takers growing up. He was the risk, and I was the taker. I would say we were stuntmen, but it was actually just me who did the stunts, so I guess it's just stuntman. Being a very small child, I decided to show my brother (Chad) how cool it was that I could actually fit into our laundry basket. I got in, closed the lid and was so proud of my new talent. As I climbed out, Chad said, "Wow - that's really cool! Show me again" Like a moron, I climbed back in, closed the lid - but this time Chad held the lid down and picked up the basket. I was laughing, not knowing I was now the candidate for "today's stunt". He then carefully set the basket at the top of the staircase and said, "Don't move". Unfortunately, half the basket was hanging off the stairs and my weight was not distributed evenly. Within a matter of seconds, I was tipping toward the staircase (about 20 stairs). It was actually fun for the first tenth of a second - then the basket hit the fifth stair down and shot me out like a biscuit from those pressurized cans. I believe I got some pretty good air before I hit the 12th stair, and finally the wall at the bottom of the landing. Chad thought I was perhaps dead as it took me a minute to orient myself and readjust my eyeglasses. He was laughing pretty hard, but deep down I think he felt bad.
I've sketched a rough rendering of the event called "The Laundry Basket and Staircase Game" for your enjoyment.

Lost and gone forever

So, if you know me very well at all or work with me on a regular basis (and, yes, I probably have your phone number memorized) you know that I travel all the time. I'm also extremely hard to reach or make any sort of contact with. All that said, my brother created an unique but honest out-of-office reply for my email:

Sorry I missed you, I am never in the office, in fact I would need a map just to find the office, so of course you missed me. Rumor has it my family has sent pictures of me for milk cartons and postcards.

I am currently on a (Choose one: plane, train, automobile, ship, space shuttle) and will be spending the night at a hotel in (name a location in North America) which I will be available between 12-3 as I sleep, but I have meetings immediately before and after, following that I will be back in a (Choose one: plane, train, automobile, ship, space shuttle) until my next (chose one: sale meeting; sales training, vendor visit, client visit, or my (name of the place I am at) girlfriends house) after which you can reach me (go back to the beginning)

Your best hope of ever catching me is calling a random stewardess at the main airline hubs in the country, where they all know me by name and may also be my (name of a location in North America) girlfriend. Don’t bother calling me on the cell phone as I can never answer it and the voice mail is always full. Forget emailing me despite the fact I have four computers at my disposal - I never have time to use any of them. But you can read my blog and check out my website if you have forgotten what I look like or would like to pretend I am talking to you so you can engage in my great sense of humor.

Do not use this email as an invitation to rob my house just because I am not there - all my mail and money go to my parents house and I don’t have any time to spend my money and buy things anyway. Despite the fact I work 80 hours a week I actually don’t make that much money either. So unless you are offering a new job with less hours and better pay forget trying to get hold of me. Please just close your eyes and remember the times we used to have together and the man I used to be.

Thanks,
Toby (the machine)
(***) ***-**** [cell] (not that it's going to help you anyhow)