Confessions of a bachelor

I love being single, mostly because I can get away with things no sane spouse could handle. Here are a few examples of my daily life that keep me laughing at myself:

Ironing

I keep a water bottle handy to spray my clothes with a light mist, then throw them in the dryer to get the wrinkles out.

Dusting

Thanks to Sharper Image, I just turn on my Ionic Breeze machine and it takes all the dust particles out of the air.

Trash

There is an art to stacking, shoving, piling and towering the trash.

http://ejucatedguy.blogspot.com/2005/12/art-of-bachelorhood.html

Eating

Do not under estimate the power of gift cards.

Laundry

Don't let the care instruction tags fool you - throw it all in together, even "Dry Clean Only"

Sweeping

A leaf blower works wonders, even inside.  Just make sure the Ionic Breeze is turned on.

Shoveling

Snow melts.

Cleaning

When I need to clean the toilet, I flush first and then pee really hard on the stains.

My roommate scares me to girlish screaming

Kumon: Seems like an odd name choice for a child education center.

Top 5 Reasons to be a Mortician

1) Free makeup

2) You'll lose weight because you're never hungry for lunch

3) You never have a client complain (that's a cadaver joke folks)


4) No one's life is at stake

5) You never have to take your work home with you (yep, another cadaver joke)

Dear massage therapist

Dear massage therapist,

There's something I keep meaning to tell you, but it's awkward at the moment it happens.  So, here it goes:

Please stop talking to me while you give me a massage.  If I wanted to pay big bucks to talk with someone, I would go see a counselor.  Please note that the first word in your title is "Massage" and you asking me questions while you're supposed to be performing your primary job duty is distracting, and quite frankly, disturbing to my relaxation.

It's hard for me to talk while my face is enclosed in a small cushy pillow with a hole in the center.  My words don't really come out right and I frequently fear that I will drool on your feet while trying to compose a sentence.

Really, even if I get a discount session by purchasing from Groupon or Living Social, it's still not worth it if I have to constantly answer your questions.

Thanks for listening and I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you to shut up during my massage.  Also, please pass this message along to any of your dentist friends.

Thanks
Ejucated Guy

The World of Chick-Fil-A

There's nothing like waking up and heading to Chick-fil-a for breakfast in Colorado Springs (well, except on Sunday). I love CFA, even after being a previous employee.  Yep, total nerd Toby worked there with his calculator watch and thick, gold framed eyeglasses days. It totally beat my Chuck E Cheese days, but that's another story.
The CFA experience just makes me laugh sometimes.  It always catches me off guard when then say, "My pleasure."  Sometime, I just want to respond, "Well, thanks for pleasuring me" and see their reaction.
The drive thru is also comical to me.  I guess it's efficient (unlike Wendy's), but I always crack up when I see the employees awkwardly walking, then running, then slowing down, then jogging next to the car windows in the drive-thru line all while taking the customers' orders. Then, quickly calling the order into their fancy little headsets and moving along to the next car.  I never know what to do - drive slow? Stop? Speed up really quickly and see if they can catch up? I don't have the best driving record, so I'm a bit concerned I'll take one of them out with my car someday.
That's why I usually venture inside, were I'll have table service with drink refills every 10 minutes and over eager employees taking away my tray before I've scooped up that last glob of ketchup with my remaining fry. I have to say, it's nice that they're attentive, but sometimes I go for fast food because I want to be left alone! I don't know - I'm hard to please I guess.
Anyway, there's no point to this story other than my rantings.

Some requests for the next time Wendy's makes my hamburger