Top 5 Reasons to be a Mortician

1) Free makeup

2) You'll lose weight because you're never hungry for lunch

3) You never have a client complain (that's a cadaver joke folks)


4) No one's life is at stake

5) You never have to take your work home with you (yep, another cadaver joke)

Dear massage therapist

Dear massage therapist,

There's something I keep meaning to tell you, but it's awkward at the moment it happens.  So, here it goes:

Please stop talking to me while you give me a massage.  If I wanted to pay big bucks to talk with someone, I would go see a counselor.  Please note that the first word in your title is "Massage" and you asking me questions while you're supposed to be performing your primary job duty is distracting, and quite frankly, disturbing to my relaxation.

It's hard for me to talk while my face is enclosed in a small cushy pillow with a hole in the center.  My words don't really come out right and I frequently fear that I will drool on your feet while trying to compose a sentence.

Really, even if I get a discount session by purchasing from Groupon or Living Social, it's still not worth it if I have to constantly answer your questions.

Thanks for listening and I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you to shut up during my massage.  Also, please pass this message along to any of your dentist friends.

Thanks
Ejucated Guy

Tax Time: Don't take the Douglas Bruce approach

Well, I have to admit I look for any possible reason to delay doing my taxes....but I still do my taxes.  I have money earned from my improv group (not much), and my own company which provides corporate training (even less), plus a W2 from where ever I'm working this year (constantly changing). But despite my procrastination, I still do my taxes!

If you don't understand the references, we recently had "anti-tax crusader" (as the Denver Post calls him) Douglas Bruce get 180 days in prison plus "six years of strictly supervised economic probation" for tax evasion (not exactly sure what supervised economic probation is, but it sounds similar to having to check with your parents before spending your allowance). Judging from his photos, he's spent most of his extra tax money on food.

Yep, he's got it figured out with a slew of charges including attempting to influence a public servant, filing a false return and tax evasion (Read more: Doug Bruce sentenced to 180 days in jail, six years probation for tax evasion - The Denver Post http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_19955019#ixzz1mKLzQQuV). His initials are DB - what did you expect (now, think of references in your mind which have the initials "d" and "b").

Anyway, I have a few months left before I land myself in the cluster he's set up for himself.
So do your taxes, kids!

Now we know, and knowing is half the battle!

Dear Makers of Tag Body Spray

The 4th of July is over so please shoot off your remaining fireworks

Dear Neighbor,
I would like to request that you shoot off all your remaining fireworks tonight, as my patience is running thin. I'm glad that you've enjoyed the 4th of July holiday so much and I can't tell you how pleased I am with your patriotism. However, we're now well past the Independence Day celebration period.

I'm not sure if you're simply a pyromaniac or if you bought the family pack of fireworks at Sam's Club and you're just trying to get your money's worth, but it's time to fizzle out your wicks.

Typically, I fall asleep to music, a good book, or you and your wife screaming at each other (okay, that's not true. I don't read). But lately I've been lying in bed hearing loud pops, trying to determine if you've been shot by your wife or if you ignited another firework. After the "pop" I don't hear any cheering or celebratory laughter, so I can only assume that your wife hasn't shot you yet. This means you're in your yard, by yourself, putting on a pathetic and illegal firework show.

It's time to stop the pop. Gather all your fireworks and put on a grand finale tonight. I'll arrange for the fire department to stand by and you can get one of your buddies that you play poker with in your garage to video tape the whole thing and put it on YouTube. Then you'll have it for the entire year to enjoy at your own leisure.

Thanks for your understanding. Give me a call when you have a chance too - let's talk about how to get those Christmas lights taken down sometime before the end of summer.

Thanks,
Toby

Lather, Rinse, and Stop

I don't know why I decided to read the directions on my Gillette shampoo in the shower this morning because I'm pretty familiar on how to wash my hair. But I'm glad they understand me:

DIRECTIONS: Lather, rinse, and get on with your day.

So I locked myself out of my house this morning.  I love it when I do stuff like that - it makes me feel so smart.  Although, I still had my phone with me so I was able to make lots of early morning calls which resulted in people's voicemail.  Most of them promptly returned my calls a few hours later.  Thankfully, I had just locked all my windows a day or two before, you know, for safety.  I wouldn't want anyone crawling in the windows. I had also recently removed my hide-a-key, one of the world's best inventions when it's in place. So, I was stuck outside, with my coffee and my phone. Ideally, I should have been headed to my appointment across town that started in 15 minutes, but instead I had coffee on my front porch. It was fun to look through the back sliding door and watch my dog sit there and wag her tail.  It was like she was saying, "Hey, don't you wish you would have taught me to unlock doors?" Yep.
It's such a helpless feeling. At one point, I thought about kicking down my front door like a swat team member, or perhaps breaking a window. But I resisted. After my cup of coffee, I realized I had given a key to a friend to watch my house a when I went to Disneyworld.  I'm pretty sure he was looking for an excuse to leave work at 8am since he had been there so long already for the day.
Yep, there's really no point to this story. It's more of a long mental note to myself to remember to drop my keys into my pocket before I walk out the front door.  Noted.

Dear Wendy's Sandwich Makers

Dear Wendy's sandwich makers,
I have a few requests for the next time you make my sandwich.  Certainly, I'm no restaurant connoisseur, but there seem to be some common sense ideals I'd like to mention that perhaps you could consider.
First of all, please consider the fact that I don't eat my entire hamburger in one bite.  I don't know what kind of training you go through or what burger-making formula you're taught your first day working at Wendy's. But let me give you a little insight: most people enjoy pickles with every bite of the burger, not just the very center bite where you stack all 5 pickles on top of each other.
Same goes for the glob of mustard. There's a reason it comes out of the container in a thin line. Try rotating your hand in a circular motion around the top of the hamburger. One giant squeeze, creating "Mustard Mountain" right in the center is not the preferred method. You can also practice this method with the ketchup and mayo!
Next, onions are obviously the cheapest ingredient since you so graciously pile 1/4 pound of onion on each burger. I thought it was supposed to be a quarter pound of meat? Perhaps there is some confusion and you should go back and reference your manual.
Also, keep in mind that when surveyed, most American's preferred red tomatoes, not hard green crunchy ones. I think I may have figured this one out. Your slogan on your website reads Quality is Our Recipe. I guess I need to request that recipe next time I come in; I didn't realize it was by request only. This is no fault of yours, as a sandwich maker, but maybe just consider it in the broad scheme of things.
Finally, when I  unwrapped my burger tonight, I found most of these condiments smeared all over the sandwich wrapper and consequently all over the outside of the bun. I understand you're working for speed, but obviously that's not working out for you too well either. There's always a huge line when I come in to order and I end up waiting about 5 minutes per customer before I even make it to the counter.
Is any of this making sense to you?  Do you eat your own sandwiches and actually experience these issues that countless customers are taking in stride every meal? Certainly, you don't claim to be "sandwich artists" and it's becoming more and more clear why.
One more thought - has your store ever considered getting more than one credit card terminal for all the cash registers, which gets tied up when you get a phone call or another customer chooses to pay with credit?
Just thought you might consider my suggestions.

SPECIAL REQUEST: Stop

To all companies, sales people, and other pointless ventures of advertising, consumer aquisition and retention, please note that I would rather not receive the following items from this point forward:
1) The stupid neighborhood/community newspaper that gets thrown at the end of my driveway and eventually rots into small scraps of newspaper that wash down the city streets.
2) All Facebook application requests.
3) DVD's from Columbia House that I have to return because I forgot to decline my selection of the month.
4) The coupon magazine that comes in my mailbox filled with mail-in cards for collectible figurines that fall out of the stack of mail before I make it inside.
5) The email notification from various people in Africa that I can work with confidentially to get the money I'm owed as a beneficiary to some large some of money.
6) The plastic swords in my drinks and toothpicks in my sandwiches. these are dangerous.
7) the extra screws that come with self-assemble furniture. I don't even use all the required pieces and I certainly don't need extra. as long as the furniture doesn't collapse, I'm okay with the standard supplies.
8) coupons for "buy one sandwich get one free". I'm single and I eat alone frequently. I don't really want another sandwich. I would rather get half price on the sandwich I just bought and not have someone remind me on a daily basis that I have no one else to share a second sandwich with.
9) the huge cotton ball in bottles of medication. I can get a whole bag of cotton balls for 99 cents at Wal-Mart. I don't need more.
10) the annoying phone call I get 2 minutes after arriving in my hotel room to make sure everything is okay. first of all, your phones are nasty and smell like perfume and body sweat. I prefer not to use them. Plus, I'm tired. If I felt like chatting, I would have had a cup of coffee with you at the front desk when I checked in.

Thank you for your consideration. My patience is running thin.

Treo 700pos

I always thought the "p" in Treo 700p stood for "Palm", but I'm pretty sure it stands for POS. I specifically didn't get the 700w (the Windows based version) because I didn't want my phone crashing all the time. Yeah...I really side-stepped that landmine.

Anyone else have one of these? Apparently, it's a phone but I wouldn't know because it doesn't ring. People call and it just goes straight to voicemail. It also likes to shut down randomly and reset itself. But I know it's working when I talk on it, because it heats up like a hot piece of bacon fresh off the frying pan. If I talk too long, I can barely stand to hold it in my hand and against my face. That's right - that redness isn't a sunburn on the right side of my face, it's my phone slowly frying my skin. I also have problems with the voice quality - people on the other end always say, "It sounds like you're in a tunnel!" Many of my friends believe I'm homeless because of this. It's affecting my life.

I've called customer support many times within the year that I've had this phone. Each time, of course, I get a different person (usually from India) and they all tell me something different. One guy told me, "Yeah, you just have to pop off the battery and shut down the phone every night. That should fix it." Oooohhh, of course! Thanks! Everytime I talk to customer service, I realize it's a useless conversation.

Maybe I'll switch back to the old "brick phones" that we used to have in the 80's. Remember those? They were huge - bigger than a normal house phone, but at least they were 10 pounds of reliability. As for my Treo, it works 60% of the time - everytime.

So, I'm just curious if everyone else has had similar experiences with this phone - and I'm curious to know what phone you use that has email capabilities as this one does but doesn't make you regret spending $500 everytime you get a call.....or a new voicemail.

Some personal notes from me to phobics

Phobophobia: Fear of phobias
I would advise that you don't continue reading.

Prosophobia: Fear of progress
Two down, 12 to go. Good work!

Sophophobia: Fear of learning
Keep reading - there's lots of good information here.

Agateophobia: Fear of insanity
Is it just me or does that seem like a cyclical problem? If you're always afraid that you may be insane....doesn't that make you insane?

Apeirophobia: Fear of infinity
Sorry apeirophobics, this will always be a fear for humans. ALWAYS.

Arithmophobia: Fear of numbers
My #1 favorite, but #6 on the list.

Athazagoraphobia: Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting
These people don't really exist.

Catagelophobia: Fear of being ridiculed
These people are morons.

Cenophobia (or Centophobia): Fear of new things or ideas
I bet you don't even know what your phobia is called.

Cyberphobia: Fear of computers or working on a computer
STOP READING NOW

Decidophobia: Fear of making decisions
Please take my survey in the sidebar.

Hamartophobia: Fear of sinning
Too late. Sinner.

Xyrophobia: Fear of razors
I'm sure you have a lovely beard.

specific phobias

Optical illusion? No, just a bad day.

It looks like the front end of a car in the back seat! How is this possible? Optical illusion?
No, just a bad day.
You see, Colorado was hit with a bad snow storm last week and I was one of the many unfortunate people to get stuck in this mess. Interstates and highways were closed, Denver International Airport was shut down, and even the post office was closed for 2 days right before Christmas (rain, snow, sleet, or hail....but apparently not blizzards). For some reason, I decided to go to work (actually, it's still my hobby) and as I pulled into the parking lot of my company my car got stuck in the snow. As I tried to get unstuck, I was throwing the car into reverse and heard an unfortunate noise. That was my front bumper snapping off. Apparently, the underneath side of my bumper cover was serving as a large snow shovel under my car, scooping snow until it couldn't handle any more. I was trying to dig my car out for almost 2 hours and of course, I didn't have a shovel with me, so I was down on my knees reaching under the car, trying to pull the snow out with my hands. Now, I'm left with frost-bite on my knee caps and a rather strange looking car and a bill for over $1,000 for repairs. Donations are always welcome.
Ideally, you should have a Winter Car Kit during this time of year in case this happens to you too. This includes everything from a shovel, to a bag of kitty litter in case you can't go (that's for traction under your tires - it has nothing to do with relieving yourself). Maybe I'll take my own advice and put all the stuff in my car someday.
Anyway, I think it's time to move to Phoenix where I don't have to deal with Colorado snow storms.

Consider Yourself Warned

Click here to watch this blog as a video
Dear makers of TAG body spray,
I recently saw one of your commercials and was more than excited to try your new body spray. I was only imagining what could happen the minute I sprayed myself with your product - my mind was filled with images of large groups of girls attacking me instantly. Unfortunately, this hasn't been my experience.
When you said, "Consider Yourself Warned", I guess I thought this was a good thing. The first day I used TAG, I was overcome by a cloud of aerosol gas that I couldn't help but inhale in the close-quarters of my bathroom. My eyes began burning and when I exhaled, it was like I had been smoking TAG hookah. After escaping the formidable cloud myself, I wasn't coherent enough to think about warning my roommate. Before I knew it, he had entered the bathroom and was quickly suffering the effects of my little black bottle. Thankfully, we're both alright.
I've also noticed that the smell is slightly overpowering at first, and then it begins to turn sour throughout the day. The first day I went out after trying tag, I noticed women suddenly covering their mouths as I walked by. At first, I thought they were just laughing because I was suckered into believing they would be attracted to me, but then I realized they were throwing up in their mouths just a little. Indeed, the various scents don't seem to be as appealing to women as you promised in your commercials.
Thankfully, I won't need a refund on the $5 per bottle I paid for this product. I've found that it kills bees and wasps immediately with a quick shot, or I can empty a whole can into my house before leaving for vacation and it acts as a bug bomb, killing everything inside!

THANKS TAG!

T. L. Lorenc

It's getting harder and harder to breathe

Yes, it's been a while since I've blogged and I apologize to all those who enjoy living life vicariously through my blogs. I guess I'm so busy with my "hobby" right now that I just haven't found the time....if you don't know, my "hobby" is real estate. I can't really call it a job at this point because I haven't made any money, and as my good friend Delbert pointed out, if I'm just doing it and not making money, it's a "hobby". Thanks for the insight Delbert. It really helps me cope with the fact I haven't had a paycheck in 4 months. I guess it could also be considered unvoluntary volunteer work. Plus, I've been putting in a lot of overtime, but of course, that's not paid time either. Thursday was a good day - I worked from home. I figured if I'm not making any money, I can do that from home. It hasn't helped that this last week I've been sick with a cold. I realized something very important this morning - you can't use mouthwash when you have a cold. I nearly drowned as I tried my best to get the full effect of swishing the sugary green juice in my mouth, yet still breath through my stuffed up nose. Finally, when I was about to faint from lack of oxygen, I decided it was a good time to spit.What can I say - I'm here to help: you've been warned. It's also difficult to sleep with a cold. Breathing only through my mouth, I managed to inhale fuzzies from my blanket all night and woke myself up snoring and choking on fuzz balls. Yeah, it's been a fun week.

Second time's a charm

One of my favorite hobbies in high school was perfecting the art of TP'ing others houses. I had a friend who was constantly dating various girls, but most importantly, constantly breaking up with them. They made the perfect targets to practice our skills. One night, we were TP'ing one of his exgirlfriends house. When you're buying "supplies" at the store, the clerk has a pretty good idea of where you're headed. You're wearing all black, and purchasing 2 very cheap 24 packs of toilet paper - you're not fooling anyone.
Anyway, we were so excited, we went too early - we should have waited until early in the morning. Instead, it was about midnight and when we were almost finished, a car started coming up the street. We both laid down in the grass waiting for the car to pass. Instead, it began to slow down and pulled into the driveway - it was her dad!! At one point, his headlights lit up my face like a jack-o-lantern, but somehow he didn't notice me. I think he was too distracted by the 44 rolls of TP hanging from the trees. So, he gets out of the car and starts walking around the yard, pulling down all the TP and mumbling something under his breath. He was out there for a good 20 minutes trying to clean it up, all the while we're laying silently in the grass on opposite ends of the yard, sometimes just feet from him. Finally, he tore it all down...here was his fatal mistake: he threw it in a big pile, just outside the garage by the side of the house and went inside. We hated to see it all go to waste, so we stayed another 30 minutes and put it all back up, plus hung the additional 4 roles we hadn't yet used.

Step Up: I'm ready!

My brother and I used to fight a lot and when I say "fight" I don't mean bickering, I mean Fight Club type fight. You see, we are only 15 months apart so we've always been very close. However, at one point, my brother was about 6'4", 260 lbs and 1% body fat when he was playing football. I, on the other hand, was about 5'6", 90lbs with no body or fat. So, it was hardly ever a real even playing field. One day in elementary school (I was in 2nd, he was in 4th grade) we decided to fight out on the playground before school. Now, understand that kids would gather around and watch as my brother and I squared off. Most of my fans would continue cheering even though I was laying on the ground in crazy pain. I wanted to show them that I could win occassionally. Fun times. Anyway, this cold winter day, we resorted to fighting again, but I decided this was my day. I was set in my mind that I would beat him and all my friends would cheer. I let him throw a few punches and then I socked him right in the mouth with my winter gloves on (the kind that smell funny on the inside when they get wet). He went down instantly! But, I pretty much knew that would happen since I had slipped a handful of cold rocks into the knuckles of my gloves. I think I got a little bruise on my finger when the rocks crushed against his front teeth. Anyway, right as he fell to the ground, the teacher blew the whistle and all the kids lined up to go to class....except my brother laying in the middle of the baseball field face down, covering his face. Maybe he was thinking if he held the spot where his front teeth used to be it might stop bleeding...it's hard to say. Finally, he got up and made some threatening remark to me. I don't know...I really couldn't understand him with his new lisp. Looking back, I should have thought it through a little better and positioned the rocks so they wouldn't hurt my fingers.

Refreshing Turkey Legs!

Every holiday weekend gives us a reason to party - Memorial Day, St Patrick's Day, July 4th, Yom Kippur, etc. There are always plenty of festivals, parades, and events to occupy our time off work. And for some reason, when we get out in the hot sun, our senses are dulled and our judgment is impaired. I know this because I watch people line up and pay for overpriced turkey legs and giant pickles. Neither one of these is something I would consider a "refreshing snack". Maybe it's just me, but the last thing I'm thinking on a hot summer day is, "boy could I use a giant, hot turkey leg." Have you ever seen a marathon runner finish the race and head for the grill for a turkey leg? or a sunbather enjoying a day at the beach and crack open the cooler for a warm piece of poultry? No (unless you live in Alabama). So what makes them so tempting at carnivals and festivals? Someone needs to take a stand for all mankind and proudly say, "that's filthy disgusting."

How about just brushing your teeth in the morning?

Every once in a while, a product comes along that causes us all to pause and ask why. If there's ever been a room full of product designers that decided to invent the dumbest product they could just to see how many people would flock to buy it, this is it. I'm sure they sit and laugh at consumer stupidity while we 'try new things' and they see sales increase. Seriously, please tell me that you have never purchased Brush Ups. The TV commercials alone should have been your first warning as grown adults dance around town with this rubber finger puppet used to brush their teeth. I really don't want to see anyone brushing their teeth in public, and especially with some mock-tooth-brillo pad (or textured teeth wipes as they call them). Thankfully, they've warned consumers in the product features that the "Comfortable, slip-on design fits most finger sizes". You know we'll be seeing a lawsuit for this in a year or so - some fat guy loses a finger when his circulation is cut off by his newfangled textured tooth wipe. You see, part of the genius of a toothbrush is that you don't have to stick your fingers in your mouth. I swear, if you're ever out with me and you 'rip one open', the evening is over.

I think I con myself most of the time

Well, you're probably tired of hearing my travel stories so let's change gears - shopping misfortunes. I think I often con myself into bad purchases. A great example: Columbia House. Folks, this has never really been a good deal yet I (and others) continually take advantage of this "incredible special". You get the little flier or email showing you a great deal - 8 CD's for a penny! How can you go wrong?!? I read the fine print everytime, like I don't know that you have to buy 4 more at regular price (I'm not sure where they're getting this "regular price" because it's close to what I'd spend for the CD player itself, let alone a single disc). So, I sign up. Yes, BMG, Columbia House CD, Columbia House DVD, etc, etc - they're all just waiting for suckers like myself. A few weeks later, you've got a whole box of new DVD's for just pennies. Now the real fun starts: don't forget to send the reply card back or you'll get the editor's pick of the month - the "featured selection". I think the next logical question is, "Who is this guy and why is he picking these movies"? You know, the classics like Hair Show, The Mexican (aka Brad Pitt's compromise), and Jingle All the Way (ditto for Arnold). The next thing you know, these are showing up in your mailbox as your first clue that you apparently trashed the reply card about two weeks ago. Then, the box is designed just right so you can't actually see what the DVD is until you open it. You try pulling up the window flap just enough to not tear the box for non-returnable status, but enough to see what Mr. Very Unsavvy editor has sent you next. Finally, you get so frustrated and rip it open - DING - sale for Columbia House DVD. Not just any sale - a "regular price" sale which means you just paid $25 for a DVD. 1 down, 3 to go! Hurry and get your last 3 (for one, you've got a deadline and they're going to charge you anyway) because once you meet your membership criteria, you'll unlock special savings as a valued-customer. You poor, sorry sap. Don't worry - when you're done with this commitment, you can always sign up again! Anyway, click here to get started.

The Art of Bachelorhood

Here's just a glimps of my life as a bachelor. Someone pointed out to me the other day that it seems the only people who really read and comment on my blog are women...hmmmm. Anyways, I knew this picture would be appauling to most of you so I posted it. You see, as a bachelor there are some things I just don't care about. The beauty of being single and living alone is that it doesn't really matter what I do (or don't do, like take out the trash). This picture actually provides lots of information about me: I like Gatorade, I buy generic breakfast cereal (for dinner), Hotpockets (also for dinner), small cartons of milk (which usually spoil before I use them), and I recently received a UPS package (I don't remember what it was). Any bachelor will tell you that the art of "trash configuration" is an important one. I owe much of it to my years of playing Tetris. One crucial key to this art: notice the sturdy papers coming out of the right side of the trash can - these provide the support needed to hold extra items OUTSIDE of the trash can, literally buying me days that I can stall taking the trash out. Now, let's sing to the tune of the Hokey-Pokey, "You put the sturdy paper in ... and you let the sides hang out ... you put the bottles on top ... so you don't have to take it out...." There you go - that's me (sorry mom).