Tax Time: Don't take the Douglas Bruce approach

Well, I have to admit I look for any possible reason to delay doing my taxes....but I still do my taxes.  I have money earned from my improv group (not much), and my own company which provides corporate training (even less), plus a W2 from where ever I'm working this year (constantly changing). But despite my procrastination, I still do my taxes!

If you don't understand the references, we recently had "anti-tax crusader" (as the Denver Post calls him) Douglas Bruce get 180 days in prison plus "six years of strictly supervised economic probation" for tax evasion (not exactly sure what supervised economic probation is, but it sounds similar to having to check with your parents before spending your allowance). Judging from his photos, he's spent most of his extra tax money on food.

Yep, he's got it figured out with a slew of charges including attempting to influence a public servant, filing a false return and tax evasion (Read more: Doug Bruce sentenced to 180 days in jail, six years probation for tax evasion - The Denver Post http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_19955019#ixzz1mKLzQQuV). His initials are DB - what did you expect (now, think of references in your mind which have the initials "d" and "b").

Anyway, I have a few months left before I land myself in the cluster he's set up for himself.
So do your taxes, kids!

Now we know, and knowing is half the battle!

So that was awkward...

We had an improv show last night and we made the mistake (without knowing that Whitney Houston had just died) about asking for someone who had been in the news lately.  Someone immediately yelled out, "Whitney Houston" and broke the news to us during our show.
The rule of improv comedy is taking the first suggestion you receive, so we took it.  I had the "privileged" of portraying Whitney Houston in The Dating Game and we made the best of it.  When asked, "I like to travel. Do you like to travel?" I responded with, "Well, I traveled today.  I went far away, and I won't be back.  But I will always love you."  It was a little tough to be sensitive to the situation and still portray the character.
Anyway, sincerely, we'll miss you Whitney.  I have to admit- I had some Whitney CD's growing up and she was definitely a talented artist.

Drunk Napping at McDonalds

With the recent string of robberies at Subway and other sandwich shops, seems like McDonald's would be a good, safer option for families. Instead, in was the scene of another proud moment in a Colorado Springs parents' life. Colorado Springs Police found a man passed out in the play area at a local McDonald's while his kids were playing. When police showed up to arrest him, he kicked an officer in the face and then told the kids to "bite their [police] faces off".

Let's consider a few things:

First of all, who says to themselves, "I'm pretty drunk and need to pass out. I think I'll take the kids to Mc D's and cuddle up in the urine saturated ball pit."

Secondly, what kind of dental setup do these children have? Fangs? Who instructs their children to bite someone's face off?

Finally, who goes to McDonalds at all?

The incident ended when the man was tazed (hmmmm...sounds strangely similar to a recent Chuck E Cheese tazer incident) and taken into custody.

Whiner Gone Missing

So, I have to admit my dog (Kona) looks kind of funny. She was just spayed this week and the vet shaved her tummy and a patch on her left leg so they could do the surgery and give her an IV.
But I think they did more than a ovariohysterectomy....I don't know how they did it, but they took her "whiner" as well. Usually, she goes to the front door and whines when she needs to go out, but now she just sits there and make this weird breathy, air-pushing sound. Hmmm....maybe it'll come back.
They also told me she can't jump, run, use stairs, play, take a bath, swim, etc. Are you kidding me? What am I supposed to do - I mean, she's not too upset about the no bath rule, but everything else can only be accomplished if I tranquilize her (which apparently is how COPS control kids in Colorado now).

Improv Workshop - coming soon

Stick Horses in Pants will be offering three improv workshops at the Inspire Conference Oct. 5 and 6
http://www.inspire-conference.org

If you want to give improv a try in a fun, low-stress environment, this is your chance!

The conference is a great value, offering a packed schedule of acting, dance and performance art classes. Plus, Stick Horses will be giving an exclusive show on Friday night.

Check it out! We'd love to see you there.

Stick Horses in Pants

Dear Friends,

I wanted to let you all know about a significant life change that may be coming very soon for me. I've been in fairly constant contact with a nation-wide company called Publisher's Clearing House that is offering something fairly substantial. I certainly don't want to get my hopes up and I hesitate even telling you, my trusted friends, about this possible opportunity.
Anyway, I'll try to keep this short, but here's the scoop:
It all started last February when I got a letter in the mail. At first, it seemed like the kind of letter that would be mailed to lots of people and I didn't think much of it. They asked me to do a few things and respond in a timely manner, which I did. As our correspondence continued, I realized that they really cared about me. They started personalizing my packages with sticky notes and personal letters from the president of the company. I realized that this was serious and I couldn't give up on the efforts I had already put forward. I admit, it has cost me a lot in postage, but in the end, that won't matter. I'm pretty sure it's between me and one other person here in Colorado Springs, but my household has been chosen several times and the probable winner. Thankfully, I kept sending the correspondence back - it sounds like a lot of people forgot to send back their packets and they only have themselves to blame.
Again, I don't want to get too excited yet, but it looks like I may have already won 10 million dollars. You may see me on T.V. - I'm going to try my best to act surprised, but it's kind of a done deal at this point.
Please know that I won't forget ANY of you...you're all special to me!

Sincerely,

Toby L Lorenc

COPS: Special Edition-Chuck E Cheese

Grab your cupcakes and pizza kids - there was a new LIVE show at Chuck E Cheese in Aurora, CO the other night. No, it wasn't the usual squeaky mechanical animals performing on stage last Sunday afternoon that caught customers attention, it was the man being tasered at the salad bar! Police were called to the Chuck E Cheese in the suburb of Denver when 29 year-old Danon Gale couldn't prove to a manager that he had paid for the trip to the salad bar after loading his plate like a hungry soldier. But he wasn't the only soldier there that night - the police showed up to take care of this serious situation. "All units - CODE 3 to the Chuck E Cheese salad bar" crackled over the police radio. When officers showed up, the stories start conflicting about what actually happened (you know, who pushed who first). But it all ended with the salad bandit getting tasered twice by the police, in front of his 3 and 7 year old kids as well as a full house of other children and families. Chuck E Cheese managers said, "When the police began tasering him, he really had some great moves and we're thinking about incorporating them into our live dance shows so kids can watch it again and again." Okay, they didn't really say that. In fact, they've hired an attorney and refused to comment. Maybe it's time to pick a new place for family entertainment.

Check out the full story of the salad bar tasering.

Shameless Self Promotion

Looking for something to do on a Friday night in Colorado Springs? Good news - The Stick Horses in Pants are doing a FREE improv comedy show at the Broadmoor Hotel Theater on April 6th at 8:00PM (yes, that is Good Friday). We take pride in keeping our shows "clean" and family friendly so anyone can attend. There is no cost for the show so bring a date and we'll let you both in free. This is audience suggestion, improvisational comedy. Not rehearsed, not scripted. If you like the TV show Who's Line Is It Anyway, you'll love our show.
I want you to be there....no excuses. If you haven't started your taxes yet, one more night isn't going to hurt.

Looking forward to seeing you there. Contact me if you have questions or need more details.

And you thought I was dead....

Wow, I just remembered that I have a blog. It's been almost 3 months since I've blogged. I guess I didn't really feel like I had much to say, but lots has happened.
First of all, my car is now repaired and in working order which is a good thing because work (real estate) has been crazy the last couple of weeks. Been showing lots of people around, looking at houses and eventually I'll buy one for myself too.
I sold my first house at the end of January but nothing since. So, that leaves me with one paycheck in the last 8 months. Nice. I think I'll set up a charity fund at a local bank that any of you can donate to if you wish.
Let's see....what else....the milk I bought when I posted my last blog has now gone bad, I've aged 3 months, and I have some new friends thanks to MySpace....okay, they're not really friends.
I still have a limited amount of hair, but it's still by choice. Check out my pic and new website, www.buywithtoby.com.
I've listed my first house as well - please buy it.
If you're missing your dose of "Toby Humor" come see me with The Stick Horses in Pants at our next improv show, April 6th at the Broadmoor Hotel. Yes, that's Good Friday. Show starts at 8pm in the Theater.
Also, check out some of our YouTube Videos:

World's Worst DTR
The Stick Horses At Play
Is it a Date or Not?

Well, that's about it. Keep checking back - I might actually start doing this regularly again.

Optical illusion? No, just a bad day.

It looks like the front end of a car in the back seat! How is this possible? Optical illusion?
No, just a bad day.
You see, Colorado was hit with a bad snow storm last week and I was one of the many unfortunate people to get stuck in this mess. Interstates and highways were closed, Denver International Airport was shut down, and even the post office was closed for 2 days right before Christmas (rain, snow, sleet, or hail....but apparently not blizzards). For some reason, I decided to go to work (actually, it's still my hobby) and as I pulled into the parking lot of my company my car got stuck in the snow. As I tried to get unstuck, I was throwing the car into reverse and heard an unfortunate noise. That was my front bumper snapping off. Apparently, the underneath side of my bumper cover was serving as a large snow shovel under my car, scooping snow until it couldn't handle any more. I was trying to dig my car out for almost 2 hours and of course, I didn't have a shovel with me, so I was down on my knees reaching under the car, trying to pull the snow out with my hands. Now, I'm left with frost-bite on my knee caps and a rather strange looking car and a bill for over $1,000 for repairs. Donations are always welcome.
Ideally, you should have a Winter Car Kit during this time of year in case this happens to you too. This includes everything from a shovel, to a bag of kitty litter in case you can't go (that's for traction under your tires - it has nothing to do with relieving yourself). Maybe I'll take my own advice and put all the stuff in my car someday.
Anyway, I think it's time to move to Phoenix where I don't have to deal with Colorado snow storms.

"And they named it COSMIX"

My patience for traffic is minimal at best. Now the city is working on a project to widen the Interstate. You know it's going to be bad when they give the project a name (COSMIX) and create a website. This website is filled with reasons you'll be late for work, as well as traffic cams of people just like you sitting in traffic. Yes, everything you could want, from which exits are closed to downloadable maps of detour routes. I'll be sure to print those out and keep them handy in my car. It's a simple way for the city to say, "We're going to be doing this construction for a very long time." Of course, you wouldn't want to miss any of the excitement, so they've decreased the speed limit to 45 as well. That way, everyone can get a good, long look at the workers pushing dirt around. Please join us for the completion party in the year 2030.