Dear massage therapist

Dear massage therapist,

There's something I keep meaning to tell you, but it's awkward at the moment it happens.  So, here it goes:

Please stop talking to me while you give me a massage.  If I wanted to pay big bucks to talk with someone, I would go see a counselor.  Please note that the first word in your title is "Massage" and you asking me questions while you're supposed to be performing your primary job duty is distracting, and quite frankly, disturbing to my relaxation.

It's hard for me to talk while my face is enclosed in a small cushy pillow with a hole in the center.  My words don't really come out right and I frequently fear that I will drool on your feet while trying to compose a sentence.

Really, even if I get a discount session by purchasing from Groupon or Living Social, it's still not worth it if I have to constantly answer your questions.

Thanks for listening and I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you to shut up during my massage.  Also, please pass this message along to any of your dentist friends.

Thanks
Ejucated Guy

The 4th of July is over so please shoot off your remaining fireworks

Dear Neighbor,
I would like to request that you shoot off all your remaining fireworks tonight, as my patience is running thin. I'm glad that you've enjoyed the 4th of July holiday so much and I can't tell you how pleased I am with your patriotism. However, we're now well past the Independence Day celebration period.

I'm not sure if you're simply a pyromaniac or if you bought the family pack of fireworks at Sam's Club and you're just trying to get your money's worth, but it's time to fizzle out your wicks.

Typically, I fall asleep to music, a good book, or you and your wife screaming at each other (okay, that's not true. I don't read). But lately I've been lying in bed hearing loud pops, trying to determine if you've been shot by your wife or if you ignited another firework. After the "pop" I don't hear any cheering or celebratory laughter, so I can only assume that your wife hasn't shot you yet. This means you're in your yard, by yourself, putting on a pathetic and illegal firework show.

It's time to stop the pop. Gather all your fireworks and put on a grand finale tonight. I'll arrange for the fire department to stand by and you can get one of your buddies that you play poker with in your garage to video tape the whole thing and put it on YouTube. Then you'll have it for the entire year to enjoy at your own leisure.

Thanks for your understanding. Give me a call when you have a chance too - let's talk about how to get those Christmas lights taken down sometime before the end of summer.

Thanks,
Toby

Consider Yourself Warned

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Dear makers of TAG body spray,
I recently saw one of your commercials and was more than excited to try your new body spray. I was only imagining what could happen the minute I sprayed myself with your product - my mind was filled with images of large groups of girls attacking me instantly. Unfortunately, this hasn't been my experience.
When you said, "Consider Yourself Warned", I guess I thought this was a good thing. The first day I used TAG, I was overcome by a cloud of aerosol gas that I couldn't help but inhale in the close-quarters of my bathroom. My eyes began burning and when I exhaled, it was like I had been smoking TAG hookah. After escaping the formidable cloud myself, I wasn't coherent enough to think about warning my roommate. Before I knew it, he had entered the bathroom and was quickly suffering the effects of my little black bottle. Thankfully, we're both alright.
I've also noticed that the smell is slightly overpowering at first, and then it begins to turn sour throughout the day. The first day I went out after trying tag, I noticed women suddenly covering their mouths as I walked by. At first, I thought they were just laughing because I was suckered into believing they would be attracted to me, but then I realized they were throwing up in their mouths just a little. Indeed, the various scents don't seem to be as appealing to women as you promised in your commercials.
Thankfully, I won't need a refund on the $5 per bottle I paid for this product. I've found that it kills bees and wasps immediately with a quick shot, or I can empty a whole can into my house before leaving for vacation and it acts as a bug bomb, killing everything inside!

THANKS TAG!

T. L. Lorenc