Thursday, December 31, 2009

I'm not always perfect

Yep, I've taken a lot of grief from the improv group for this one. I don't know what I was thinking. I was trying to keep from cracking up on stage, then my voice cracked and that threw me a bit, then I just totally ruined the game.
The game is called "Airport Customs" and unfortunately this wasn't the first time I messed up. Just earlier that week in practice, I did something similar and everyone gave me a hard time. We joked about it, but I assured them I wouldn't do this on stage. Oops.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Blocks of wood make great gifts

As I procrastinate on my Christmas shopping again this year, I remembered one of my all-time worst gifts which I so graciously gave to my only brother. Sorry Chad.

I think I was about 11 years old and I had this cool box car kit. It came with wheels, nails to put the wheels on, and a wood block. It sat in my drawer for a long time until I decided that I was going to put it to good use and make a really cool, homemade gift for my older brother, Chad. He is my only sibling, which is unfortunate, because he got lots of crappy gifts from me and had no other source for gifts except my parents.

So, I started on my project. I went out to the garage and started carefully shaving wood chunks off what was meant to be the front of the car. Thankfully, I had my trusty cub scout pocket knife to assist me, but after carving off the edges to create my masterpiece (a grueling 20 minutes or so) I realized it was going to be pretty hard work and it was going to take a while. I decided I needed a break and went inside for a glass of lemonade. Unfortunately, I never worked on it again and before I knew it Christmas had rolled around. So, I put the wheels on (but I did that wrong because they didn't actually turn) and wrapped it up (actually, I think I had my mom wrap it). I didn't paint it. I didn't draw cool logos on it. I just ... put the wheels on. It didn't even look like a car. It looked like a piece of wood that had been used as a door jam for a while ... and then someone ... put wheels on it. As you can expect, it wasn't his favorite Christmas. Sorry Chad.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Whiner Gone Missing

So, I have to admit my dog (Kona) looks kind of funny. She was just spayed this week and the vet shaved her tummy and a patch on her left leg so they could do the surgery and give her an IV.
But I think they did more than a ovariohysterectomy....I don't know how they did it, but they took her "whiner" as well. Usually, she goes to the front door and whines when she needs to go out, but now she just sits there and make this weird breathy, air-pushing sound. Hmmm....maybe it'll come back.
They also told me she can't jump, run, use stairs, play, take a bath, swim, etc. Are you kidding me? What am I supposed to do - I mean, she's not too upset about the no bath rule, but everything else can only be accomplished if I tranquilize her (which apparently is how COPS control kids in Colorado now).

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

More creative than you think

I'm not sure why, but when I was young (like, really young...4 or 5 years old), after finishing going to the bathroom, I would close the lid, turn around and sit backwards on the toilet. Then, I would flush it while pretending I was starting up a truck and driving away. The good news is I always remembered to flush so I guess my mom was happy with my little game. It's been years since I've done that....seriously. However, I still remember to flush. I think it's random creativity like this that led me to improv later in life.

Friday, May 08, 2009

"It's the worst thing you can think of"

With mother's day approaching, I thought I would share some life lessons from mom.
When I was about 6 years old, my brother and I were playing football in the front yard and our annoying neighbor (Otis) came up to our house. He wanted to be included in the fun, but we really weren't interested in his company. After he asked a few times and we told him to go home, it was obvious he wasn't going to give up and we needed to take further action.
So, my brother being the smart one had me do the dirty work. My brother holds up his middle finger and tells me to go up to Otis, put it in his face and say, "Get off our property." Nice Chad. Me, being the young innocent non-tainted mind sibling had no idea what it meant but apparently it was a nice way to tell Otis to go home. So, I did it. Otis marched right past me through our yard, rang the doorbell and informed my mom of what I did. "Thank you, Otis" she replied...."Now go home" (she didn't really like him either). I knew by the tone of her voice when she called me inside that I probably shouldn't have listened to Chad's solution for getting Otis home. "Toby, we NEVER do that" my mom said. I was clueless and said, "Why not? What does it mean?" Instead of giving my six-year-old mind descriptive details, she just said, "It's the worst thing you can think of." WOW! I felt terrible and I'm sure the horrified look on my face communicated to my mother that I would never do that again, at least not until I was old enough to start driving.
A few weeks later, I was spending the night at a friends house in his tent in the backyard and we were telling dirty jokes and eating the white bread we snuck into the tent. (Yeah, white bread. Apparently that was the best we could come up with). Anyway, I decided to share my insight with my friend, Jonathan, so I held up my middle finger and said, "Check this means POOP!"

Monday, May 04, 2009

Sincere, but sincerely wrong

When I was a kid, I loved to sing. It seems that the signing was more important to me than the words. I know this because I was often surprised when I learned the actual words to songs were not the lyrics I was signing. I think my favorite was:

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy
Down in my heart
Down in my heart.... Tuesday.

Yeah, Tuesday. I thought those were the words. If I'm breaking this hard news to you for the first time, it should be "to stay" as is permanently, not just one day of the week.

I also loved another song I sang in Sunday school. The real lyrics are:

Ho ho ho ho-san-na
Ha Ha Ha-le-lu-ah
He He He Save-d Me
And I've got the joy in the Lord

Apparently I thought this was a seasonal song, because I sang:

Ho Ho Ho Ho San-ta

I know what you're thinking. I'm amazed I've made it this far in life too.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

You're a huge tool and everyone knows it

You think you're so cool, walking along with your new Christmas clothes on and your sharp new haircut. You sniff up a confident stream of air through your nose which only makes you realize there's still a bit of that Christmas cold lingering in your sinuses. After a quick but moderately quiet snort, you feel the need to spit. But there are so many people watching you - it's hard to be so good looking. You keep your mouth shut waiting for the perfect opportunity to spit where few people will notice, perhaps a small shrub or street crossing. Finally, the moment is right - no one's looking and you let it go...but not quite. It's that damn stringy spit that won't break apart! How is this still attached to your face?!? You gave it a good effort but now it's blowing in the wind and you're awkwardly bent at the waist while continuing to walk, waiting for the 3 foot long strand to release from your bottom lip. Now, you're realizing you should have stopped walking much earlier as it has attached itself to your new Christmas sweater, yet it continues to cling to your chin. NOW people are looking, and it's not your haircut they're noticing. Mothers are pulling their children close with fear in their eyes and disgust in their faces, and even the homeless are shocked by your lack of control. You have to take action and you sacrifice the back of your hand to avoid further embarrassment. But word spreads immediately - don't shake his hand or give him a hug. You're practically a huge walking disease of filth and saliva. There are so many people laughing at you right now. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us.

If you enjoyed this, you may also want to read about drooling while you sleep.