Kumon: Seems like an odd name choice for a child education center.

Screaming goat - an easy substitute for annoying songs

I seriously couldn't stop laughing.  I'm not a big fan of Taylor Swift which makes this even better.



Check out some other funny videos

Top 5 Reasons to be a Mortician

1) Free makeup

2) You'll lose weight because you're never hungry for lunch

3) You never have a client complain (that's a cadaver joke folks)


4) No one's life is at stake

5) You never have to take your work home with you (yep, another cadaver joke)

Dear massage therapist

Dear massage therapist,

There's something I keep meaning to tell you, but it's awkward at the moment it happens.  So, here it goes:

Please stop talking to me while you give me a massage.  If I wanted to pay big bucks to talk with someone, I would go see a counselor.  Please note that the first word in your title is "Massage" and you asking me questions while you're supposed to be performing your primary job duty is distracting, and quite frankly, disturbing to my relaxation.

It's hard for me to talk while my face is enclosed in a small cushy pillow with a hole in the center.  My words don't really come out right and I frequently fear that I will drool on your feet while trying to compose a sentence.

Really, even if I get a discount session by purchasing from Groupon or Living Social, it's still not worth it if I have to constantly answer your questions.

Thanks for listening and I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you to shut up during my massage.  Also, please pass this message along to any of your dentist friends.

Thanks
Ejucated Guy

I'm not always perfect

Yep, I've taken a lot of grief from the improv group for this one. I don't know what I was thinking. I was trying to keep from cracking up on stage, then my voice cracked and that threw me a bit, then I just totally ruined the game.
The game is called "Airport Customs" and unfortunately this wasn't the first time I messed up. Just earlier that week in practice, I did something similar and everyone gave me a hard time. We joked about it, but I assured them I wouldn't do this on stage. Oops.

"It's the worst thing you can think of"

With mother's day approaching, I thought I would share some life lessons from mom.

When I was about 6 years old, my brother and I were playing football in the front yard and our annoying neighbor (Otis) came up to our house. He wanted to be included in the fun, but we really weren't interested in his company. After he asked a few times and we told him to go home, it was obvious he wasn't going to give up and we needed to take further action.

So, my brother being the smart one had me do the dirty work. My brother holds up his middle finger and tells me to go up to Otis, put it in his face and say, "Get off our property." Nice Chad. Me, being the young innocent non-tainted mind sibling had no idea what it meant but apparently it was a nice way to tell Otis to go home. So, I did it. Otis marched right past me through our yard, rang the doorbell and informed my mom of what I did. "Thank you, Otis" she replied...."Now go home" (she didn't really like him either). I knew by the tone of her voice when she called me inside that I probably shouldn't have listened to Chad's solution for getting Otis home. "Toby, we NEVER do that" my mom said. I was clueless and said, "Why not? What does it mean?" Instead of giving my six-year-old mind descriptive details, she just said, "It's the worst thing you can think of." WOW! I felt terrible and I'm sure the horrified look on my face communicated to my mother that I would never do that again, at least not until I was old enough to start driving.

A few weeks later, I was spending the night at a friends house in his tent in the backyard and we were telling dirty jokes and eating the white bread we snuck into the tent. (Yeah, white bread. Apparently that was the best we could come up with). Anyway, I decided to share my insight with my friend, Jonathan, so I held up my middle finger and said, "Check this out....it means POOP!"

All the facts add up - I should be smarter

I recently realized I had all the tools growing up that I needed to make me smarter, I just forgot to use them. I started off with a classic toy - the Speak and Spell. Although I could have learned how to spell words and hear sounds with it, instead I plugged in dirty words just to hear a computer say them back. Hilarious by the way - totally worth it. Then I decided it was time to downsize. Yeah, I had this pretty cool calculator watch starting at about 6th grade. It was larger than the back side of my wrist and I probably could have slid it up past my bicept on a cold day. It could do pretty much anything (at the time) but I'm not sure if I ever used the calculator function on it. No, instead I was busy making notes about how much money people owed me from when I let them borrow lunch money and filling up the phone book function with all my friends names and telephone numbers. I think this momentous piece of equipment was also responsible for launching my parttime career of unsuccessful pickup lines like, "My calculator watch has room for you." When I got bored, I would put other numbers in there too, like the library (even though I never went to the library - another missed opportunity for education). Anyway, fast forward another 7 years and I went to college. Another great opportunity to get smarter...but I was a communications major. I know, it just keeps getting worse. Finally, I worked at a publishing company for 5.5 years...but I didn't like reading. So, here I am - ready for smartness to occur. Maybe I'll make a point of using the technology and resources I have to assist in my smarter marathon. For instance, this past year I started playing the Wii instead of xbox. I think I get some points for that...or at least more excercise.

2 Hour Ford Commercial

Did anyone watch the 2 hour Ford commercial tonight on NBC? They called it "Knight Rider." I don't think I've seen product placement like this since....well, last week on Biggest Loser. Anyway, I have to say I have enjoyed some of the classic shows I grew up with coming back to primetime. For instance, American Gladiators. Let's face it - that's just good TV. Watching school teachers and average joe's getting pumbled by massive athlete's that have taken so many steriods their fingers alone are stronger than the average man. But Hulk Hogan as a host? I don't know about that. I think at 55 years old it's time to cut the blonde hair off and hang up the handkerchief from his head. But I guess it makes sense why he tries to look so tough and rugged - his real name is Terry Gene Bollea. Okay, so maybe it's not great TV but it's fun to mindlessly watch when you have nothing better to do.

I'm just curious what's next - what other TV shows from my childhood will be brought back? Maybe they'll bring back the cast of Different Strokes for an updated series (you know, the ones who aren't in prison). Gary Coleman's a definite possiblity - he's always looking for work. Plus he hasn't really aged in 25 years so he's got that going for him. And William Shatner...I bet he really misses hosting Rescue 911. Must be why he sold out to doing priceline.com commercials.

Ultimately, most of the shows should just stay locked in the vault. You know the ones I'm talking about: Hee-Haw, Golden Girls, Silver Spoons, Punky Brewster and most definitely Roseanne (yeah, I'm not even going to provide a link for this one). Actually, if we could just lock her in a vault just to cover our bases that might be good.

ding fries are done

A little cheery Christmas song for you.

What's under YOUR bed?

Have you ever stayed at "one of those" hotels? Last weekend, I went up to Denver for 2 events. First, there was the Great American Beer Festival on Thursday night and then the Denver Improv Festival on Friday and Saturday. I decided that I didn't really care to fight Denver traffic both morning and night, so I got a hotel room. If you don't know me, let me tell you that I'm not exactly a "planner". So, 2 days before I went to Denver, I started buying my tickets for the fesitvals and checking on hotels. Unfortunately, there were a lot of major events going on in the city that weekend and rooms were hard to find. However, I thought I had found the deal that everyone else had somehow overlooked. A hotel room for $40 per night! What a steal - man, am I lucky. I don't know how everyone else passed this up! It was just on the other side of the bridge from downtown on Speer at the highly-exclusive Knights Inn. Well, I quickly figured out why there was still vacancy. It was a small, cinder block building painted a beautiful dirt-cream color, with a spacious courtyard in the center. The rooms were still decorated for this century, with Goodwill quality couches and hammock style beds (meaning you roll to the middle no matter where you lay on the bed). There was no alarm clock, or clock at all for that matter, so you can just relax in your flea-bag room and not worry about the time. Although, relaxing on the bed was hard since there was a glass sliding door just inches from the bed that exited to the ground level courtyard where you could buy any variety of the latest street drugs. Now let's venture back to the bathroom. The yellow-tinted lights made it difficult to see if the tile was actually yellow too, but there was just enough light to verify a large brown stain on the cheap white towels. Mmmmm. Although the water initially spurted out dark brown, it quickly turned an off-yellow color, probably safe for brushing your teeth...I think. Let's go back out to the main room and relax......OHHHH...WHAT'S THAT SMELL? Yeah, it was late Thursday night when I caught a whif of a very bad odor...like baby poop. My first thought jumped back to an episode of Myth Busters where an unsuspecting couple found a dead body decomposing under their bed. So, I looked behind the olive green couch - no, not there - then under the bed. AHA! A half-eaten english muffin (which is funny since the hotel didn't provide breakfast) and a baby sippy cup further under the bed. Okay. Let's head back to the bathroom, puke a little, and then get a trash bag. I stuck my hand inside, wrapped it around my arm, layed on the bed and reached WAY under to grab the clear sippy cup. I had definitely found the source of the stench. Apparently, Junior wasn't very hungry and tossed his breakfast under the bed a few months ago. The sippy cup had a large, white,rock-hard piece of chunky milk in it. Back to the bathroom to vomit a little more, and then out to the dump with my check-in surprise. Thank you Knights in for two lovely nights in Denver - for only $89.99 with tax!

Nothing like decomposing carcass to wake you up in the morning

Yep, these are the true stories of my daily life. Here's a fun one:
I woke up early this morning for a 7:30 breakfast meeting. I'm not a morning person in general...okay, at all...so mornings aren't exactly my time to shine. After getting ready and preparing to prep myself for the day, I decided it may be a good idea to brush the sticky film that had attached itself to my teeth in my sleep (you're welcome for the visual). I pasted up and stuck the toothbrush in my mouth and immediately smelled a distinct, foul odor. At first, I thought it was my hand perhaps dying from a rare disease while still attached to my body. After sniffing my fingers like Mary Catherine Gallagher, I realized the noxious odor was coming from the handle of my toothbrush. So I pulled out my roommates toothbrush from the toothbrush-cup holder and found the same unpleasant smell. (I know you're getting bored with the story, but hang in there). I took off the top and looked in the bottom of the cup to find a dead bug, decomposing in my toothbrush holder. The smell was....well, overwhelming and I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Let's look at the science of this real life experience. Wikipedia defines decomposition as:

The body of a living organism begins to decompose (as part of a succession) shortly after death. Such decomposition can be simplified in two stages: In the first stage, it is limited to the production of vapors. In the second stage, liquid materials form and the flesh or plant matter begins to decompose. The science which studies such decomposition generally is called taphonomy.

Yummy. Thankfully, my small dead friend was in the first stage and after some heavy doses of scalding hot water on all our toothbrush accessories, I think I've corrected the problem. I have to say, it wasn't the "grand start of the day" I was hoping for. This is my life...seriously.

Improv Workshop - coming soon

Stick Horses in Pants will be offering three improv workshops at the Inspire Conference Oct. 5 and 6
http://www.inspire-conference.org

If you want to give improv a try in a fun, low-stress environment, this is your chance!

The conference is a great value, offering a packed schedule of acting, dance and performance art classes. Plus, Stick Horses will be giving an exclusive show on Friday night.

Check it out! We'd love to see you there.

Stick Horses in Pants

You're not really helping me

It's a funny thing-for some reason, as Colorado drivers, we don't have to parallel park to pass our driving test. Even so, I failed my driving test the first time I tried, but I'm proud to say I still have a clean driving record. Anyway, I learned to parallel park by....well, trying. It's very embarrassing, because I'm still not very good and I take lots of heat from friends . My lack of parking skills were fully demonstrated one evening in Manitou Springs, CO. Manitou is a small, touristy town at the foot of the mountains. It's also the witchcraft capitol of the USA, but that's not important right now and I'm not going to cite my source because I don't have one. Trust me. I'm Toby. Anyway, back to the parking problem. I was meeting my family for a nice dinner at the Mona Lisa fondue restaurant in historic (or satanic, however you want to look at it) Manitou Springs. The only available parking space was on the main street, cleverly named "Manitou Avenue". Good work with the creativity numb nuts.....ANYWAY, I pulled up to the parking space and after a 30-point manuever, I noticed there happened to be a man walking down the sidewalk next to my car. I immediately realized the opportunity for a little assistance with my parking skills and asked him to direct me. He agreed and started directing me back so I wouldn't hit the car behind me....(remember that part - it's key and a bit foreshadowing). Keep in mind (this is no excuse but certainly a critical factor) I was driving my extended cab 8-foot bed, Dodge Ram 1500 Quad Cab pick up. So, he kept directly me backward saying, "keep coming...you're fine...no problem...you've got it...I'm a huge liar....step on the gas...blah, blah, blah...BOOOOOOMMM >>>>> "what the heck?" My truck jolted and the car behind me moved down the street a bit...As soon as I realized I had hit the car behind me, he jovially blurted out in a I'm-dumber-than-a-stack-of-bricks voice, "TOO FAR!" He even laughed a little at the end...(it was very spiteful)...and then he kept walking while he shook his head like, "What a moron". YOU'RE THE MORON MY FRIEND...NO, NOT MY FRIEND....JUST MORON!! Obviously, I had no choice but to find another parking space so the car with minimal damage wouldn't know it was me.

Dear Friends,

I wanted to let you all know about a significant life change that may be coming very soon for me. I've been in fairly constant contact with a nation-wide company called Publisher's Clearing House that is offering something fairly substantial. I certainly don't want to get my hopes up and I hesitate even telling you, my trusted friends, about this possible opportunity.
Anyway, I'll try to keep this short, but here's the scoop:
It all started last February when I got a letter in the mail. At first, it seemed like the kind of letter that would be mailed to lots of people and I didn't think much of it. They asked me to do a few things and respond in a timely manner, which I did. As our correspondence continued, I realized that they really cared about me. They started personalizing my packages with sticky notes and personal letters from the president of the company. I realized that this was serious and I couldn't give up on the efforts I had already put forward. I admit, it has cost me a lot in postage, but in the end, that won't matter. I'm pretty sure it's between me and one other person here in Colorado Springs, but my household has been chosen several times and the probable winner. Thankfully, I kept sending the correspondence back - it sounds like a lot of people forgot to send back their packets and they only have themselves to blame.
Again, I don't want to get too excited yet, but it looks like I may have already won 10 million dollars. You may see me on T.V. - I'm going to try my best to act surprised, but it's kind of a done deal at this point.
Please know that I won't forget ANY of you...you're all special to me!

Sincerely,

Toby L Lorenc

Jobs we never admit to

Thinking back on all the jobs I've had, I start to wonder: What was I thinking? As you know if you've read my blog, I was Chuck E Cheese for a while. I remember actually thinking as I applied how cool it would be to wear around that huge rat costume. Truth be told, it was terrible. It was so hot - you're covered by layers of padded fur and you have to dance every hour. The mini fan in the head of Chuck E doesn't come close to cooling you down. I used to sweat so much, my glasses would slide off my face inside the Chuck E head. Plus, you've got kids pulling a tugging on you wanting constant attention. I think parents who don't give thier kids enough attention take them to Chuck E Cheese. That way, they can get hugs and have someone hold thier hand as they walk around, while mom and dad sit at the table drinking cheap beer and even worse wine. I guess those help wash down the awful pizza and make parents forget they don't give their kids enough attention. Then kids can win cheesy prizes for playing games and collecting tickets. I don't know what the attraction is, but I'll admit I loved going there as a kid too. But working there was a whole different story. What was I thinking?

Drooling while you sleep can be socially awkward

When I was in high school, I went to a white water rafting camp in Oregon. Basically, it was a week long and we went white water rafting every other day. It was perhaps one of the greatest weeks of my life and full of memories. One memory in particular was not so good. After a long day of rafting, I was headed home on the short bus with the other kids from my raft group. The girl next to me was obviously exhausted from the day and fell asleep almost as soon as we sat down. I didn't know her at all - never met her, never seen her, except for that day and even that day I never actually talked to her. So, about 10 minutes into the ride her head falls onto my shoulder. Let's be honest - she was really not all that attractive so it was one of those awkward moments - I didn't want to wake her up and embarrass her, but I also really didn't want her snoozing on my shoulder. But, being the nice guy I was, I didn't wake her up. A few minutes later, the bus started heading down a hill and her body wasn't prepared for the transition. The next thing I knew her whole body flopped over and her head was in my lap. As her face slapped against the back of my hand in my lap, she immediately woke up, sat straight up and looked at me with this horrified expression, then laid her head against the bus window and went back to sleep. The whole thing happened so fast, I was still trying to piece it together when I noticed the entire back-side of my hand covered in a pool of warm drool. This wasn't just a droplet, we're talking a full, chipmunk-size-storage mouthful. So, I grabbed her shirt that was sitting on the seat next to her and soaked it up - what! I wasn't going to wipe it on my clothes! I don't think she ever fully knew what happened...it's probably better that way.

Some personal notes from me to phobics

Phobophobia: Fear of phobias
I would advise that you don't continue reading.

Prosophobia: Fear of progress
Two down, 12 to go. Good work!

Sophophobia: Fear of learning
Keep reading - there's lots of good information here.

Agateophobia: Fear of insanity
Is it just me or does that seem like a cyclical problem? If you're always afraid that you may be insane....doesn't that make you insane?

Apeirophobia: Fear of infinity
Sorry apeirophobics, this will always be a fear for humans. ALWAYS.

Arithmophobia: Fear of numbers
My #1 favorite, but #6 on the list.

Athazagoraphobia: Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting
These people don't really exist.

Catagelophobia: Fear of being ridiculed
These people are morons.

Cenophobia (or Centophobia): Fear of new things or ideas
I bet you don't even know what your phobia is called.

Cyberphobia: Fear of computers or working on a computer
STOP READING NOW

Decidophobia: Fear of making decisions
Please take my survey in the sidebar.

Hamartophobia: Fear of sinning
Too late. Sinner.

Xyrophobia: Fear of razors
I'm sure you have a lovely beard.

specific phobias

Shameless Self Promotion

Looking for something to do on a Friday night in Colorado Springs? Good news - The Stick Horses in Pants are doing a FREE improv comedy show at the Broadmoor Hotel Theater on April 6th at 8:00PM (yes, that is Good Friday). We take pride in keeping our shows "clean" and family friendly so anyone can attend. There is no cost for the show so bring a date and we'll let you both in free. This is audience suggestion, improvisational comedy. Not rehearsed, not scripted. If you like the TV show Who's Line Is It Anyway, you'll love our show.
I want you to be there....no excuses. If you haven't started your taxes yet, one more night isn't going to hurt.

Looking forward to seeing you there. Contact me if you have questions or need more details.

Tossing the salad

Well, as some of you know, I used to work at Chuck E Cheese pizza. Although I was only there for 5 months, I gained many stories and life lessons from that awful place....most aren't worth telling, but here's a good one.
When I wasn't "in Chuck E Cheese" as we say in the industry (i.e. dressed up in the costume getting punched by children) I was a host. Basically, I was a personal slave to grouchy parents for 1.5 hours at a time. They would book their special birthday party for Jimmy and invite all his little friends and I would set up the birthday table and serve them greasy pizza and cheap sheet cake. One Friday night was particularly busy with a full dining room of parties so I was rushing around trying to keep up. As I headed pass the salad bar back to the kitchen I had no idea what I was about to walk into. Someone had diligently mopped the tile floor after a major soda spill created by one of the little pipsqueaks but failed to put up that annoying bright yellow sign that says "Caution: Wet Floor" in Spanish. Feeling rushed from the madhouse of customers, I was walking briskly back to the kitchen when I took one step on the wet tile and...well, let's just say my back hit the floor before you could say "advierta el suelo mojado". However, in that brief second in mid-air I managed to reach out towards the salad bar to try and catch myself. Try is the keyword there. Instead of breaking my fall, I managed to wrap one finger around the crouton dish, one finger around the sunflower seed bowl, and one on the bacon bits....you know, those ugly maroon unbreakable dishes they use on salad bars? I'm not sure how it happened, but all the salad toppings beat me to the floor and I landed in all of them. If it wasn't obviously enough that I had fallen, the three unbreakable dishes bounced around on the floor like a set of drums, drawing even more attention to the guy laying in salad toppings. "Attention all employees. Clean up on aisle one, salad bar. Stat."

And you thought I was dead....

Wow, I just remembered that I have a blog. It's been almost 3 months since I've blogged. I guess I didn't really feel like I had much to say, but lots has happened.
First of all, my car is now repaired and in working order which is a good thing because work (real estate) has been crazy the last couple of weeks. Been showing lots of people around, looking at houses and eventually I'll buy one for myself too.
I sold my first house at the end of January but nothing since. So, that leaves me with one paycheck in the last 8 months. Nice. I think I'll set up a charity fund at a local bank that any of you can donate to if you wish.
Let's see....what else....the milk I bought when I posted my last blog has now gone bad, I've aged 3 months, and I have some new friends thanks to MySpace....okay, they're not really friends.
I still have a limited amount of hair, but it's still by choice. Check out my pic and new website, www.buywithtoby.com.
I've listed my first house as well - please buy it.
If you're missing your dose of "Toby Humor" come see me with The Stick Horses in Pants at our next improv show, April 6th at the Broadmoor Hotel. Yes, that's Good Friday. Show starts at 8pm in the Theater.
Also, check out some of our YouTube Videos:

World's Worst DTR
The Stick Horses At Play
Is it a Date or Not?

Well, that's about it. Keep checking back - I might actually start doing this regularly again.