Ignite Your Thinking: Laugh Therapy on Twitter

If @netflix and @CenturyLink ever merge, this would be their logo pic.twitter.com/LNyFFZ9SZb

— Ignite Your Thinking (@LaughTherapy) July 1, 2014

The 4th of July is over so please shoot off your remaining fireworks

Dear Neighbor,
I would like to request that you shoot off all your remaining fireworks tonight, as my patience is running thin. I'm glad that you've enjoyed the 4th of July holiday so much and I can't tell you how pleased I am with your patriotism. However, we're now well past the Independence Day celebration period.

I'm not sure if you're simply a pyromaniac or if you bought the family pack of fireworks at Sam's Club and you're just trying to get your money's worth, but it's time to fizzle out your wicks.

Typically, I fall asleep to music, a good book, or you and your wife screaming at each other (okay, that's not true. I don't read). But lately I've been lying in bed hearing loud pops, trying to determine if you've been shot by your wife or if you ignited another firework. After the "pop" I don't hear any cheering or celebratory laughter, so I can only assume that your wife hasn't shot you yet. This means you're in your yard, by yourself, putting on a pathetic and illegal firework show.

It's time to stop the pop. Gather all your fireworks and put on a grand finale tonight. I'll arrange for the fire department to stand by and you can get one of your buddies that you play poker with in your garage to video tape the whole thing and put it on YouTube. Then you'll have it for the entire year to enjoy at your own leisure.

Thanks for your understanding. Give me a call when you have a chance too - let's talk about how to get those Christmas lights taken down sometime before the end of summer.

Thanks,
Toby

Gifts that will not be forgotten

My Great Grandma Goodenough (God rest her soul) use to send me and my cousins boxes of random things growing up. I believe she intended them as gifts and perhaps even thought we might use the items. Sometimes these gift packs were for a specific holiday and sometimes we just got them out of the blue.
You see, my grandma was a garage sale shopper. She always liked to find a deal, even if it wasn't really a deal. I once went along with her to find these gems. That particular day, she bought some plastic figurines which she later super-glued to the dashboard of her 1978 Chevy Caprice. She also tried on some used lipstick at one of the garage sales, but decided it wasn't her color and put it back.
When I was in college, my entire dorm floor would gather around when I got a box from her because the contents were always so random. For instance, one Christmas, I got a white knit stocking cap (made for a child or perhaps even an infant - keep in mind, I was about 18 years old). The best part was after talking with my brother, who was 6'4" 260lb college football player, I found out he scored with the matching infant gloves in his box. Yeah, grandma never really had a good concept of the type of things we might actually enjoy or use, but she kept trying; and kept sending, again and again.
We got everything you can imagine from garage sales across Iowa, from dirty stuffed animals, to kitchen utensils, to food that was often in a questionable state by the time it arrived at our house.
Perhaps some of the best and most memorable gifts was a bright red sweatshirt with a giant screen printed teddy bear on the front. The teddy bear print had a great big smile, open arms, and was surrounded by pink and blue hearts. At the top, it said, "I need a hug." I would have been killed instantly if I would have worn it anywhere.
But I think my all-time favorite gift, which I regret now not holding onto for memory sake, was a baby-blue mesh hat, with the words carefully embroidered on the front, "My love belongs to my Daddy." As an added touch, my name was thoughtfully airbrushed above the words.
At times, we questioned her sanity and would try to visit her so she could see how old we actually were with the hope that it might sink in that she was sending us stuff we could never use. Unbelievably, despite her poor judgment on picking gifts out for us, she always remembered exactly what she sent each of the grandkids. Needless to say, it was always awkward when she asked me face-to-face how I liked the teddy bear sweatshirt, customized faux trucker hat, and kitchen accessories.

Refreshing Turkey Legs!

Every holiday weekend gives us a reason to party - Memorial Day, St Patrick's Day, July 4th, Yom Kippur, etc. There are always plenty of festivals, parades, and events to occupy our time off work. And for some reason, when we get out in the hot sun, our senses are dulled and our judgment is impaired. I know this because I watch people line up and pay for overpriced turkey legs and giant pickles. Neither one of these is something I would consider a "refreshing snack". Maybe it's just me, but the last thing I'm thinking on a hot summer day is, "boy could I use a giant, hot turkey leg." Have you ever seen a marathon runner finish the race and head for the grill for a turkey leg? or a sunbather enjoying a day at the beach and crack open the cooler for a warm piece of poultry? No (unless you live in Alabama). So what makes them so tempting at carnivals and festivals? Someone needs to take a stand for all mankind and proudly say, "that's filthy disgusting."

Party Tricks

As you can tell, I have a fairly large mouth and during a New Years party at my house in 1997, I thought I would be "festive" by putting 97 pretzel sticks in my mouth to celebrate the new year. Then, I figured since I had 97, I might as well go for 100. I failed to think through the consequences of having my lips wrapped around 100 salty pretzel sticks. Plus, my mouth was watering and there was really no way to control the constant stream of drool goozing through the pretzels and running down my chin. My mouth was dry for the rest of the night and my lips were burning. The upside: I didn't need salt on the brim of my margarita's for the rest of the night.

Things aren't always as they seem

Poor Kermit - he's got a long road ahead




If you don't quite get it, look for Big Bird sitting around the table....

Save a friendship - pick a different gift

Apparently I'm not up on "what's cool" anymore, because this animatronics monkey is not only unappealing as a Christmas gift, it actually concerns me. Concerns me that <1> someone that calls themself a friend would buy this <2> someone who is the friend would want this. It's available through Sharper Image for a mere $149. The marketing copy actually says, ' "Alive" Chimpanzee can see, hear and feel in ways that allow him to interact intelligently with you, your family, your guests...and with baffled strangers.' Let's break that down: "see, hear and feel in ways..." stop there. It's a piece of metal wrapped in highly-flammable fur that you plug into your wall. I don't think there's a whole lot of personality there. Next, "allow him to interact intelligently with you..."If my children are interacting intelligently with this, they either need a special school or special medication. Finally, "and with baffled strangers." This I can understand. Enough said.
Certainly, the fact that his eyes look hauntingly real, his teeth look like he's been smoking for years, and "his skin reacts to contact with touch sensors all around" this is an automated nightmare waiting to happen. Someone should be fired.

Most Unrecognizable In Costume

Yep, that was the award I won at a Halloween party I went to this year - most unrecognizable. I also won "Most Likely to Save you from a Burning Building". You see, I didn't really celebrate Halloween much when I was younger. Mom usually let us have a party the night of Halloween with lots of our friends to play games, eat candy, and sleep over. We went Trick-or-Treating a few years when I was younger, but there was always the fear of razor blades and poision in candy (yet my parents let us ride bikes without helments, ride in the car without seatbelts, etc - hmmmm.) Anyway, since I've left home I've participated in Halloween more and more. It's amazing to me what a large part of my age group goes "all out" for Halloween. I went to two parties this weekend. The fun part was dressing up as Batman. The costume sort of came together at the last moment, but it worked out great. I could have convinced any kid that there was a batmobile outside.
Anyway, go to my homepage and check out the pics. What do you do for Halloween?