Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Top 5 Reasons to be a Mortician

1) Free makeup

2) You'll lose weight because you're never hungry for lunch

3) You never have a client complain (that's a cadaver joke folks)

4) No one's life is at stake

5) You never have to take your work home with you (yep, another cadaver joke)

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Dear massage therapist

Dear massage therapist,

There's something I keep meaning to tell you, but it's awkward at the moment it happens.  So, here it goes:

Please stop talking to me while you give me a massage.  If I wanted to pay big bucks to talk with someone, I would go see a counselor.  Please note that the first word in your title is "Massage" and you asking me questions while you're supposed to be performing your primary job duty is distracting, and quite frankly, disturbing to my relaxation.

It's hard for me to talk while my face is enclosed in a small cushy pillow with a hole in the center.  My words don't really come out right and I frequently fear that I will drool on your feet while trying to compose a sentence.

Really, even if I get a discount session by purchasing from Groupon or Living Social, it's still not worth it if I have to constantly answer your questions.

Thanks for listening and I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you to shut up during my massage.  Also, please pass this message along to any of your dentist friends.

Ejucated Guy

Monday, February 20, 2012

I totally got hooked up today.  I placed an order with which produces life size cut-outs of sports figures, cool art, and many others things which stick directly on your wall. No frame or anything else - just right on the wall.  They come off easily too.  You should check it out if you've never seen their stuff.

Anyway, I ordered a dry erase board....that was it.  But I got life-sized cutouts of every Disney princess along with it! Yeah, I know! Awesome!  I'm going to make my office the princess room!  Okay, not really.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Kona: A force to be reckoned with

I love my little puppy Kona and thank goodness she's not the destructive little force she used to be.  I had never owned my own dog before, just family pets so I let my parents take care of all the problems and training.  I live in a townhome, so I held off getting a dog for a long time.  It's not an ideal situation - no yard, every potty break becomes a long walk, etc.  But I'm glad I got her.
But I will say,  it hasn't always been easy.  Early on, she enjoyed chewing things up. From speaker wires to a couple sage green throw pillows. I once left her alone for just a few hours and I guess the separation anxiety got to her. My roommate had just purchased one of these lowes synthetic and jute aubusson carved rugs (basically an indoor /outdoor rug which can withstand pretty much anything except for the Jaws of Kona) and we came home to small little fibers spread throughout the house, plus some interesting poop for the next few days.
But truthfully, she's helped me get more organized.  You have to be responsible with a little puppy! Both with your time and your surroundings. I started by buying a muscle rack 5 shelf super storage rack to organize all her food, toys, treats, and dog stuff.  Pretty soon I was doing all kinds of home improvement projects, because once you start, you can't stop!
More than that, I rescued her from a shelter (some might say I bought her used).  She's a good companion and also inspires me to exercise more so she doesn't get fat (yeah, so SHE doesn't get fat.  I may or may not have a beer gut).

Monday, February 13, 2012

Tax Time: Don't take the Douglas Bruce approach

Well, I have to admit I look for any possible reason to delay doing my taxes....but I still do my taxes.  I have money earned from my improv group (not much), and my own company which provides corporate training (even less), plus a W2 from where ever I'm working this year (constantly changing). But despite my procrastination, I still do my taxes!

If you don't understand the references, we recently had "anti-tax crusader" (as the Denver Post calls him) Douglas Bruce get 180 days in prison plus "six years of strictly supervised economic probation" for tax evasion (not exactly sure what supervised economic probation is, but it sounds similar to having to check with your parents before spending your allowance). Judging from his photos, he's spent most of his extra tax money on food.

Yep, he's got it figured out with a slew of charges including attempting to influence a public servant, filing a false return and tax evasion (Read more: Doug Bruce sentenced to 180 days in jail, six years probation for tax evasion - The Denver Post His initials are DB - what did you expect (now, think of references in your mind which have the initials "d" and "b").

Anyway, I have a few months left before I land myself in the cluster he's set up for himself.
So do your taxes, kids!

Now we know, and knowing is half the battle!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

So that was awkward...

We had an improv show last night and we made the mistake (without knowing that Whitney Houston had just died) about asking for someone who had been in the news lately.  Someone immediately yelled out, "Whitney Houston" and broke the news to us during our show.
The rule of improv comedy is taking the first suggestion you receive, so we took it.  I had the "privileged" of portraying Whitney Houston in The Dating Game and we made the best of it.  When asked, "I like to travel. Do you like to travel?" I responded with, "Well, I traveled today.  I went far away, and I won't be back.  But I will always love you."  It was a little tough to be sensitive to the situation and still portray the character.
Anyway, sincerely, we'll miss you Whitney.  I have to admit- I had some Whitney CD's growing up and she was definitely a talented artist.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

The World of Chick-Fil-A

There's nothing like waking up and heading to Chick-fil-a for breakfast in Colorado Springs (well, except on Sunday). I love CFA, even after being a previous employee.  Yep, total nerd Toby worked there with his calculator watch and thick, gold framed eyeglasses days. It totally beat my Chuck E Cheese days, but that's another story.
The CFA experience just makes me laugh sometimes.  It always catches me off guard when then say, "My pleasure."  Sometime, I just want to respond, "Well, thanks for pleasuring me" and see their reaction.
The drive thru is also comical to me.  I guess it's efficient (unlike Wendy's), but I always crack up when I see the employees awkwardly walking, then running, then slowing down, then jogging next to the car windows in the drive-thru line all while taking the customers' orders. Then, quickly calling the order into their fancy little headsets and moving along to the next car.  I never know what to do - drive slow? Stop? Speed up really quickly and see if they can catch up? I don't have the best driving record, so I'm a bit concerned I'll take one of them out with my car someday.
That's why I usually venture inside, were I'll have table service with drink refills every 10 minutes and over eager employees taking away my tray before I've scooped up that last glob of ketchup with my remaining fry. I have to say, it's nice that they're attentive, but sometimes I go for fast food because I want to be left alone! I don't know - I'm hard to please I guess.
Anyway, there's no point to this story other than my rantings.