Things aren't always as they seem

Poor Kermit - he's got a long road ahead




If you don't quite get it, look for Big Bird sitting around the table....

The Art of Bachelorhood

Here's just a glimps of my life as a bachelor. Someone pointed out to me the other day that it seems the only people who really read and comment on my blog are women...hmmmm. Anyways, I knew this picture would be appauling to most of you so I posted it. You see, as a bachelor there are some things I just don't care about. The beauty of being single and living alone is that it doesn't really matter what I do (or don't do, like take out the trash). This picture actually provides lots of information about me: I like Gatorade, I buy generic breakfast cereal (for dinner), Hotpockets (also for dinner), small cartons of milk (which usually spoil before I use them), and I recently received a UPS package (I don't remember what it was). Any bachelor will tell you that the art of "trash configuration" is an important one. I owe much of it to my years of playing Tetris. One crucial key to this art: notice the sturdy papers coming out of the right side of the trash can - these provide the support needed to hold extra items OUTSIDE of the trash can, literally buying me days that I can stall taking the trash out. Now, let's sing to the tune of the Hokey-Pokey, "You put the sturdy paper in ... and you let the sides hang out ... you put the bottles on top ... so you don't have to take it out...." There you go - that's me (sorry mom).

Concerned Church Member

okay, you've got to check this out - I was going to just post it on my site, but I want you to check out CJ's blog. Anyway, go to "Worship complainer - the REMIX!" post and check out the recording. You have to listen to the 2 recordings in order - first, is the actual voice mail left by this concerned member of the church, then, listen to the Remixed version. It's good stuff - definitely will make you laugh!
Worship complainer - the REMIX!

Save a friendship - pick a different gift

Apparently I'm not up on "what's cool" anymore, because this animatronics monkey is not only unappealing as a Christmas gift, it actually concerns me. Concerns me that <1> someone that calls themself a friend would buy this <2> someone who is the friend would want this. It's available through Sharper Image for a mere $149. The marketing copy actually says, ' "Alive" Chimpanzee can see, hear and feel in ways that allow him to interact intelligently with you, your family, your guests...and with baffled strangers.' Let's break that down: "see, hear and feel in ways..." stop there. It's a piece of metal wrapped in highly-flammable fur that you plug into your wall. I don't think there's a whole lot of personality there. Next, "allow him to interact intelligently with you..."If my children are interacting intelligently with this, they either need a special school or special medication. Finally, "and with baffled strangers." This I can understand. Enough said.
Certainly, the fact that his eyes look hauntingly real, his teeth look like he's been smoking for years, and "his skin reacts to contact with touch sensors all around" this is an automated nightmare waiting to happen. Someone should be fired.

"Even my boogers are spicy"

Ahhh, a classic line from Ralph (Ralphie) Wiggum after he gets sprayed with pepper spray. Yes, that's right - I'm a huge Simpsons fan and some Christians would call me a terrible person because I watch the show. I hear parents talk about their kids watching the Simpsons and say, "That's not good for our children." My response: eating Snickers Bars and drinking Pepsi isn't good for them either, but that's sure not slowing them down from shoveling that crap down their throats all day long. Anyway, I'm pretty much giving strong hints of what I'd like for Christmas - the complete 7th season is in stores on DVD DEC 13, just in time for Christmas. What do you get a guy who has everything? The gift of humor (i.e. the Simpsons 7th season on DVD). In fact, one of my favorite books is the Gospel According to the Simpsons. If you haven't read it, you need to check it out. You may be surprised by the background and thinking of the writers of this show - it's actually pretty brilliant. Click on the banner above to check out the Simpson characters, episode guides, and the Simpsons store for more gifts for me.

MMMM...what's in this? My body is telling me it's not natural.

okay, so if you've been reading my blog you know I'm probably not the best cook...no, in fact I don't really cook much past grilled cheese. But grilled cheese beats many things in my opinion. Case and point: the picture of the beans above which look like their hatching larva. AHHH - I feel a story coming on: One time, at band camp...(wait - that's a different story). One time, in high school, I was babysitting for this family. I rode home with them from school and the mom fixed dinner before they left. I was downstairs playing with the 5 kids (yeah, 5) and this awful odor began waffing downstairs. It smelled like hot, dog-poo on a grill, topped with something worse than curry. I thought to myself, "Surely that's not dinner - the disposal must have backed up, or she's changing the baby. Not dinner." But soon enough, the kids and I found out that we were being treated to canned beans mixed with hot dog chunks. I'm telling you, these weren't normal beans. They must have been generic beans from the discount rack that she bought just before the can exploded from botulism. What is botulism? Click on the beans above and read up, it's an exciting disease. Anyway, by the time dinner was ready the house was filled with this overwhelming smell that almost make me sick. I vividly remember as we prayed, I bowed my head toward my bowl and almost fainted. So, then I started reasoning with myself: "I'm sure it won't actually taste like what it smells like" and it didn't - it was worse. The first bite caused my body to involuntarily convulse. Long story short, I didn't chew. I just put it in my mouth and swallowed. That my friends, was perhaps the worst experience I've ever had with food.

Some people should just listen

It seems that some people think just because they're at a Karaoke party (or bar, depending on your style), that the HAVE to sing. Let me set you straight - if you can't sing, it's not fun for anyone. A wise man once said, "Better to be thought of as a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt". Aaahhh, wise words. I think my favorite part about karaoke is that there are two kinds of people: drunk and sober. The drunk people lose their sense of tone, rhythm, and self respect. If these people could carry a tune at one time, all bets are off after a few adult beverages. Then, there's actually two types of sober people: "professional" singers who haven't quite made it and the only audience that can get to clap for them is a bunch of drunks, and then very confident people who don't care that they can't sing, but know they'll have a fighting chance against the drunk singers. It's really a vicious cycle of lose-lose for everyone within earshot. Okay, I guess there's one more type now that I think about it: the kind who know they can't sing, so they digress to physical humor like dancing on tables and getting down on one knee while they sing love songs to a very unimpressed female customer in the front row. It's like watching American Idol - some of them can REALLY sing, but the ones who can't...why haven't their friends told them? Certainly, there's validity in encouraging your friends, but if they can't sing and are about to humiliate themselves publicly (i.e. American Idol), maybe it's time you had a heart-to-heart, candid conversation with them first. Some people should just listen.

Interested?

I know what your thinking - BUBBLE BOY!?! No, not Bubble Boy, just some looney who is selling a Two-Pack of Eighty Inch Balloons! High Quality “Climb Inside” Latex Balloons. Almost 7 Feet In Diameter! Your Choice of Clear or White"
I don't get it. How do people sell this stuff? This is currently on eBay so rush over and bid on it after you've read my blog. I've recently signed up for eBay and am selling random pieces of junk in my house. I had never bought or sold anything on eBay, so I figured it was time. I guess what it really comes down to is that I'm home for almost a month and a half without having to travel. I'm not sure what to do with myself although I suppose there are more productive things.

"I can actually hear you getting fatter"

Yes, a classic line from Tommy Boy rings all-too-true the last few days of travel. I've discovered new food options available to Americans. First of all, I was in Wisconsin today (I sat in O'hare from 6:30pm - 11:30pm waiting for my plane to Wisconsin, but that's another story). Anyway, while I sat in O'hare I talked to some other passengers waiting for the Green Bay flight. We got on the topic of cheees curds and what a wonderful "treat" they are. They told us we HAD to have fried cheese curds before we left. I know it doesn't sound good, but I'm sure it's not. Then, one of our customers today was confirming how wonderful cheese curds are and said, "sometimes they sqeak on your teeth when you chew them." Raise your hand if this really sounds good? Hmmmm, Hmmmm. At first, I didn't think they sounded good, but the "sqeaking" on my teeth captured me. ARE YOU KIDDING! I still have yet to try these and it's not a life goal at this point. Here's a pic of a cheese curd if you still had any doubts.
Anyway, now I'm in Cincinnati, OH where they are known for their chili. But here's the gross part: they have fastfood chili resturants where that's all they serve (Skyline and Goldstar are the main two). These people eat large bowls of chili as a meal, but not just chili. They start by putting pasta noodles in a bowl, add some chili, then cheese, then stop your heart, pull out the paddles, CLEAR, restart, more cheese, topped with chili and heartburn. Rumor is that the chili itself contains chocolate and cinnamon, and is a sweet-chili. Also (and this is my favorite part) you can ask for a 3-way, 4-way or 5-way. 3-way: pasta, chili, cheese. 4-way: add either onions or red beans, and 5-way: everything. Please, anyone from Wisconsin or Ohio tell me why either of these are tempting.

On the Mafia hitlist

Chicago has to be one of the greatest cities. Excellent food, great shopping (apparently), and the Mafia. Yes, I'm in Chicago (again) for a conference which ended tonight. Me and a few coworkers ended the night with drinks and cigars at the bar, which was fun and low key. Last night however was much more adventurous. You see, I have to set the story up: last year when I was here, I went to a local Chicago Italian restaurant with my boss. As we sat there eating our lunch, we noticed this place was authentic, down to the table of "the family" in the back smoking cigars and talking about how "business" was going (not necessarily at the food business). Anyway, the longer we stayed the more "family" showed up and pretty soon we were the only customers in the restaurant. The waiter was very nice to us, but was subtly suggesting we leave as he showed the men arriving into a private room off to the side. All that said, it was quite the experience and we figured we should leave while we could. So, back to the present, we told our sales team about this place and they decided they wanted to go check it out. So last night, 10 of us went there for dinner. All was going well until our CEO decided to make the hilarious comment to one of the owners, "We came to see the Mafia!" Our jaws dropped and our lives flashed before our eyes is disbelief at his comment. Also, the owner was not amused by his comment and got this look in his eye like, "Eat up - it's you last meal". So, for the rest of the night we feared any special invitations to "come see the kitchen" or "take a tour of the city, ending at the lake".
Lesson learned: Don't make Mafia jokes when the Mafia is standing right there.

Jarhead - Keep your money

I was one of the few that went and saw Jarhead tonight at the theater. If you have $8 in your pocket that you don't want, here are a couple of options instead of going to Jarhead: 1) Send it to me 2) go buy a lotto ticket 3) simply flush it (not recommended). Basically, I thought the movie would be a little more action-oriented. Rather, it shows the life of a Marine during Operation Desert Storm. If they had taken out all the language and sex scenes, it would have been a rather short and dull film. Instead, it was long, dull, and crass. I just wanted to go to a movie and I thought it looked like the only decent one out right now - I was wrong.
It cetainly shows you the mundane life and daily activities of soldiers "waiting for war" and how that literally drives them insane. And, I guess if it's important to you, you get to see this no-name actor with his shirt off. Unfortunately, you get to see a lot more than that. REALLY - send me your money.

Always up for something new

Well, I DJ'd a wedding tonight - that's a first. I used to be a radio DJ in college and I've emceed various events, but never a wedding. It was a small wedding so I was actually the sound guy too (which I didn't know until I arrived). No problem. I'm always up for a challenge. The bride would probably freak out if she new before hand that I had never set up sound equipment by myself. I just showed up and started plugging wires into various sockets in which they looked like they might fit. It's like that toy you had when you were a kid where you have to fit the right shape into the right space. Yeah. I've learned that if you don't know what you're doing, just do it confidently and no one knows:) Anyway, I guess it was a success because it went smoothly, people had a good time, and I got lots of compliments. So, I guess I have a new talent. Anyone need a DJ?

Airplane Etiquette - Don't Sneeze in the Magazine

I just returned home (Colorado Springs) from a trip to Nashville and realized how disgusting people are sometimes. As I watched people on the plane, I realized two major things: 1) the cold is going around 2) People like to find ways to share. On the front cover of Hemispheres Magazine (provided by United) it says, "Your Free Copy", but after seeing how people used this magazine, I don't think anyone in their right mind would take it home or even pick it up. I noticed one older man reading this magazine and apparently he felt a sneeze coming on. So, in his moment of panic he quickly brought the magazine up to his face and used it as a sneeze guard. He might as well have finished it off by blowing his nose in it. Then, another individual was having similar issues and found that clearing his nasal passages with his finger was the best option. Unfortunately, Kleenex is not provided along with your free pretzels and Pepsi, but he found the magazine was a great backup for those pesky boogers. So, next time you see "Your Free Copy" you may want to just think about what the magazine might contain - it's far more than just travel tips.

Most Unrecognizable In Costume

Yep, that was the award I won at a Halloween party I went to this year - most unrecognizable. I also won "Most Likely to Save you from a Burning Building". You see, I didn't really celebrate Halloween much when I was younger. Mom usually let us have a party the night of Halloween with lots of our friends to play games, eat candy, and sleep over. We went Trick-or-Treating a few years when I was younger, but there was always the fear of razor blades and poision in candy (yet my parents let us ride bikes without helments, ride in the car without seatbelts, etc - hmmmm.) Anyway, since I've left home I've participated in Halloween more and more. It's amazing to me what a large part of my age group goes "all out" for Halloween. I went to two parties this weekend. The fun part was dressing up as Batman. The costume sort of came together at the last moment, but it worked out great. I could have convinced any kid that there was a batmobile outside.
Anyway, go to my homepage and check out the pics. What do you do for Halloween?

And then there was the Fall

No, no - not the Adam and Eve fall! Fall, as in the season. It's already here and almost gone. I took this picture one Saturday that I was actually home. I had just returned from a sales trip to Canada and I just needed a day to enjoy where I live, so I went out and took pictures. This picture is of the entrance to Glen Eyrie Castle in Colorado Springs. If you've never been there, it's a must see at the foot of the Rocky Mountains.
I love Fall - it's by far my favorite season. However, We've already had our first snow here in Colorado. It came in early OCT (the 10th I believe) and left me waiting in another airport....which begs the question, how much longer can I handle a job that I travel non-stop? Hmmmm...

Oh, Canada

Well, I've certainly been slacking with the blogging. what can I say - I have things to do, people to see, ... who am I kidding. I'm sitting in my hotel room at Niagara Falls (Canada side). I'm learning LOTS of interesting things about Canada. For instance, poutine. Have you ever heard of this? Basically, it's french fries with brown gravy and cheese curds melting over the top. "I can actually HEAR you getting fat" comes to mind. it's actually not too bad - just a heads up that they often ask you if you want gravy on your fries up here. i got fish and chips one day and the waitress asked if I wanted gravvy. I said, "No, just malt vinegar" and she laughed knowing that I was for sure an American. Anyway, now you know so you won't make the same mistake.
Last week, I was in Edmonton (the OTHER side of Canada - western) at a youth conference. that was a blast, but I'm worn out.
This week, I get to be here in Niagara Falls. It is beautiful and I would definitely recommend anyone making the trip. Make sure you visit Niagara On the Lake if you're on the Canada side. It's very touristy, but a nice, quaint little place with lots of overpriced shops.

Aaahhh, the joy of travel

Remember me? We were probably friends at one point before I started traveling for a living. My job is taking me across the country for the past 4 years, but now the travel has increased even more. I keep telling my girlfriend that it's like 'Summer Camp'. One week at a time that we're away and it'll go so quick she'll barely notice that I'm gone. Yeah, that was a nice idea but not so much.
So if you don't know me, welcome into my head. I needed something to keep me sane while I travel, so i thought blogging was a nice option. Let me introduce myself: I'm strange, sometimes funny, and somewhat bitter about random things. That's all you need to know - I don't want anyone stalking me. Speaking of stalking, I used to work at Focus on the Family. I was a tour guide so i had lots of interaction with the public. The security staff there recommended that I didn't put my last name on my ID Badge for fear of guests stalking me (believe it or not, it had happened in the past with other tour guides). Despite their advice, I included my last name and figured, "Aaah, I'm a college student. A little excitement of a stalker might be fun." No one ever stalked me (i know, you thought that was going to be a really good story. nope.) I loved being in college - I didn't have anything. everyone was so worried about Y2K when I was in college. People were warning me to prepare and stock up for "the end of the world". I never did, because I figured even if I loose everything I have....I'm out $300 bucks.
Currently, I'm in a hotel room in Grand Rapids, MI. DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN GR, MI?!?! nothing, except a customer I needed to see. Earlier this week I was in Chicago (city and suburbs) and I finally get to spend a few days at home starting tomorrow. I hit some great food spots in Chicago, including a pizza and grinders restuarant downtown on Clark. It was amazing food. Also, I never miss going to Portillo's for hot dogs when I'm there. Good choice.
But traveling certainly creates lots of great stories to tell. For instance, last time I flew to Chicago, I was suddenly awaken on the plane by a loud, gushy, belching sound. At first I didn't know what it was, until I looked down and saw the vomit on my clothes from the passenger behind me. He apologized (wasn't that nice!) but "sorry" doesn't make the vomit go away. understand that I have just about the weakest stomach ever. I can't handle blood, vomit, boogers, or other secretions from the human body. I could never make it in a hospital, and I sometimes question if I could ever handle having kids. All that said, I would have lost my breakfast that morning on the plane, but United Airlines sidesteped that landmine by no longer serving meals on flights. No, just small bags of "Plane Cheezies" (a terrible imitation of Cheezit crackers shapped like airplanes - seriously, what am I, 5 years old? what a joke). So, the flight attendant (or whatever the PC term is now) brought me some wetwipes to clean off my khaki pants so I could attend my morning meeting that I was flying in for. What a day.
This trip, there are many stories - some which are a little vulgar and being that my mother could read this I won't share. One consistent problem of traveling is often I'll travel with roommates/coworkers. I try to remember to warn them that I talk in my sleep and occasionally scream like a 4th grade girl at recess. Now, understand that I'm not really a cussing-type-guy. But the other night I woke my roommate up with one simple word, yelled at the top of my lungs - $#!+!!!! Even though he was shaking and his heartrate trippled, deep down i think he thought it was funny.
Well, stick with me on my adventures on the road - we'll talk soon.