Ending Christmas with a bang

Yeah, it was a pretty good Christmas for the most part. My parents surprised me with a new Wii system, which wasn't expected at all. So, my arms are sore from playing tennis, bowling, baseball, boxing, etc. I know...pathetic.
Unfortunately, I wrapped up my Christmas with a bang...literally. I backed into a car in the street when I was leaving my parents house Christmas night. I'm not really sure what I was doing or how it happened, but I busted out the headlight cover of the other car and now she's going to make an insurance claim. Nice. I offered to pay her the $100 it's going to be to replace it, but she wants to file a claim. Whatever. I should've just driven away and not told her.
Anyway, this has been absolutely my worst year of driving ever. I got my first speeding ticket about 2 months ago, this Christmas accident, and some other minor fender benders I would rather not discuss because it will just make me bitter. However, I will mention that one included the whole front part of my Mazda 6 coming off and I was driving around town with it in the back of my car for a few weeks. See my former blog if you'd like the details.
Hope your Christmas was full of happier surprises than mine.

ding fries are done

A little cheery Christmas song for you.

Wanna Treat?!? It's still warm...

I just spent the last 8 days dogsitting my parents two dogs. I don't know why I don't have a dog...oh..wait...I remember. Because I don't enjoy picking up steaming hot dog poop with my hand wrapped around Tuesday's blue newspaper bag. Notice, I didn't say Sunday's bag. That's because the Sunday paper is stuffed with ads and that Parade Magazine that no one reads. All that extra weight usually results in the paper hitting the porch a little harder at 4AM on Sunday morning when the unemployed Intel worker delivers my paper. The force of his anger and the extra weight of the paper usually rips a hole in the corner of the Sunday bag and that makes for poor protection of my hands 30 seconds after the dogs have pinched off a fresh one in the neighbors yard. Although, even after a short week of this delightful duty, I started learning other tricks to save time and the feeling of repulsiveness of picking up Pedigree biproducts. For instance, if you carry a bag along with you while you walk the dogs and throw some rocks in it, then bend down and grab a handful of grass directly next to the target, the neighbors think you're cleaning it up. Also, I was a little confused what to do with the bags full of poop? Is it okay to just throw those away in the Bestway dumpster? I hope so. Sorry Bestway...oh, and sorry to the neighbors who's yard I left poop in and just pulled some of their grass out.

What's under YOUR bed?

Have you ever stayed at "one of those" hotels? Last weekend, I went up to Denver for 2 events. First, there was the Great American Beer Festival on Thursday night and then the Denver Improv Festival on Friday and Saturday. I decided that I didn't really care to fight Denver traffic both morning and night, so I got a hotel room. If you don't know me, let me tell you that I'm not exactly a "planner". So, 2 days before I went to Denver, I started buying my tickets for the fesitvals and checking on hotels. Unfortunately, there were a lot of major events going on in the city that weekend and rooms were hard to find. However, I thought I had found the deal that everyone else had somehow overlooked. A hotel room for $40 per night! What a steal - man, am I lucky. I don't know how everyone else passed this up! It was just on the other side of the bridge from downtown on Speer at the highly-exclusive Knights Inn. Well, I quickly figured out why there was still vacancy. It was a small, cinder block building painted a beautiful dirt-cream color, with a spacious courtyard in the center. The rooms were still decorated for this century, with Goodwill quality couches and hammock style beds (meaning you roll to the middle no matter where you lay on the bed). There was no alarm clock, or clock at all for that matter, so you can just relax in your flea-bag room and not worry about the time. Although, relaxing on the bed was hard since there was a glass sliding door just inches from the bed that exited to the ground level courtyard where you could buy any variety of the latest street drugs. Now let's venture back to the bathroom. The yellow-tinted lights made it difficult to see if the tile was actually yellow too, but there was just enough light to verify a large brown stain on the cheap white towels. Mmmmm. Although the water initially spurted out dark brown, it quickly turned an off-yellow color, probably safe for brushing your teeth...I think. Let's go back out to the main room and relax......OHHHH...WHAT'S THAT SMELL? Yeah, it was late Thursday night when I caught a whif of a very bad odor...like baby poop. My first thought jumped back to an episode of Myth Busters where an unsuspecting couple found a dead body decomposing under their bed. So, I looked behind the olive green couch - no, not there - then under the bed. AHA! A half-eaten english muffin (which is funny since the hotel didn't provide breakfast) and a baby sippy cup further under the bed. Okay. Let's head back to the bathroom, puke a little, and then get a trash bag. I stuck my hand inside, wrapped it around my arm, layed on the bed and reached WAY under to grab the clear sippy cup. I had definitely found the source of the stench. Apparently, Junior wasn't very hungry and tossed his breakfast under the bed a few months ago. The sippy cup had a large, white,rock-hard piece of chunky milk in it. Back to the bathroom to vomit a little more, and then out to the dump with my check-in surprise. Thank you Knights in for two lovely nights in Denver - for only $89.99 with tax!

Nothing like decomposing carcass to wake you up in the morning

Yep, these are the true stories of my daily life. Here's a fun one:
I woke up early this morning for a 7:30 breakfast meeting. I'm not a morning person in general...okay, at all...so mornings aren't exactly my time to shine. After getting ready and preparing to prep myself for the day, I decided it may be a good idea to brush the sticky film that had attached itself to my teeth in my sleep (you're welcome for the visual). I pasted up and stuck the toothbrush in my mouth and immediately smelled a distinct, foul odor. At first, I thought it was my hand perhaps dying from a rare disease while still attached to my body. After sniffing my fingers like Mary Catherine Gallagher, I realized the noxious odor was coming from the handle of my toothbrush. So I pulled out my roommates toothbrush from the toothbrush-cup holder and found the same unpleasant smell. (I know you're getting bored with the story, but hang in there). I took off the top and looked in the bottom of the cup to find a dead bug, decomposing in my toothbrush holder. The smell was....well, overwhelming and I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Let's look at the science of this real life experience. Wikipedia defines decomposition as:

The body of a living organism begins to decompose (as part of a succession) shortly after death. Such decomposition can be simplified in two stages: In the first stage, it is limited to the production of vapors. In the second stage, liquid materials form and the flesh or plant matter begins to decompose. The science which studies such decomposition generally is called taphonomy.

Yummy. Thankfully, my small dead friend was in the first stage and after some heavy doses of scalding hot water on all our toothbrush accessories, I think I've corrected the problem. I have to say, it wasn't the "grand start of the day" I was hoping for. This is my life...seriously.

Improv Workshop - coming soon

Stick Horses in Pants will be offering three improv workshops at the Inspire Conference Oct. 5 and 6
http://www.inspire-conference.org

If you want to give improv a try in a fun, low-stress environment, this is your chance!

The conference is a great value, offering a packed schedule of acting, dance and performance art classes. Plus, Stick Horses will be giving an exclusive show on Friday night.

Check it out! We'd love to see you there.

Stick Horses in Pants

Treo 700pos

I always thought the "p" in Treo 700p stood for "Palm", but I'm pretty sure it stands for POS. I specifically didn't get the 700w (the Windows based version) because I didn't want my phone crashing all the time. Yeah...I really side-stepped that landmine.

Anyone else have one of these? Apparently, it's a phone but I wouldn't know because it doesn't ring. People call and it just goes straight to voicemail. It also likes to shut down randomly and reset itself. But I know it's working when I talk on it, because it heats up like a hot piece of bacon fresh off the frying pan. If I talk too long, I can barely stand to hold it in my hand and against my face. That's right - that redness isn't a sunburn on the right side of my face, it's my phone slowly frying my skin. I also have problems with the voice quality - people on the other end always say, "It sounds like you're in a tunnel!" Many of my friends believe I'm homeless because of this. It's affecting my life.

I've called customer support many times within the year that I've had this phone. Each time, of course, I get a different person (usually from India) and they all tell me something different. One guy told me, "Yeah, you just have to pop off the battery and shut down the phone every night. That should fix it." Oooohhh, of course! Thanks! Everytime I talk to customer service, I realize it's a useless conversation.

Maybe I'll switch back to the old "brick phones" that we used to have in the 80's. Remember those? They were huge - bigger than a normal house phone, but at least they were 10 pounds of reliability. As for my Treo, it works 60% of the time - everytime.

So, I'm just curious if everyone else has had similar experiences with this phone - and I'm curious to know what phone you use that has email capabilities as this one does but doesn't make you regret spending $500 everytime you get a call.....or a new voicemail.

You're not really helping me

It's a funny thing-for some reason, as Colorado drivers, we don't have to parallel park to pass our driving test. Even so, I failed my driving test the first time I tried, but I'm proud to say I still have a clean driving record. Anyway, I learned to parallel park by....well, trying. It's very embarrassing, because I'm still not very good and I take lots of heat from friends . My lack of parking skills were fully demonstrated one evening in Manitou Springs, CO. Manitou is a small, touristy town at the foot of the mountains. It's also the witchcraft capitol of the USA, but that's not important right now and I'm not going to cite my source because I don't have one. Trust me. I'm Toby. Anyway, back to the parking problem. I was meeting my family for a nice dinner at the Mona Lisa fondue restaurant in historic (or satanic, however you want to look at it) Manitou Springs. The only available parking space was on the main street, cleverly named "Manitou Avenue". Good work with the creativity numb nuts.....ANYWAY, I pulled up to the parking space and after a 30-point manuever, I noticed there happened to be a man walking down the sidewalk next to my car. I immediately realized the opportunity for a little assistance with my parking skills and asked him to direct me. He agreed and started directing me back so I wouldn't hit the car behind me....(remember that part - it's key and a bit foreshadowing). Keep in mind (this is no excuse but certainly a critical factor) I was driving my extended cab 8-foot bed, Dodge Ram 1500 Quad Cab pick up. So, he kept directly me backward saying, "keep coming...you're fine...no problem...you've got it...I'm a huge liar....step on the gas...blah, blah, blah...BOOOOOOMMM >>>>> "what the heck?" My truck jolted and the car behind me moved down the street a bit...As soon as I realized I had hit the car behind me, he jovially blurted out in a I'm-dumber-than-a-stack-of-bricks voice, "TOO FAR!" He even laughed a little at the end...(it was very spiteful)...and then he kept walking while he shook his head like, "What a moron". YOU'RE THE MORON MY FRIEND...NO, NOT MY FRIEND....JUST MORON!! Obviously, I had no choice but to find another parking space so the car with minimal damage wouldn't know it was me.

Dear Friends,

I wanted to let you all know about a significant life change that may be coming very soon for me. I've been in fairly constant contact with a nation-wide company called Publisher's Clearing House that is offering something fairly substantial. I certainly don't want to get my hopes up and I hesitate even telling you, my trusted friends, about this possible opportunity.
Anyway, I'll try to keep this short, but here's the scoop:
It all started last February when I got a letter in the mail. At first, it seemed like the kind of letter that would be mailed to lots of people and I didn't think much of it. They asked me to do a few things and respond in a timely manner, which I did. As our correspondence continued, I realized that they really cared about me. They started personalizing my packages with sticky notes and personal letters from the president of the company. I realized that this was serious and I couldn't give up on the efforts I had already put forward. I admit, it has cost me a lot in postage, but in the end, that won't matter. I'm pretty sure it's between me and one other person here in Colorado Springs, but my household has been chosen several times and the probable winner. Thankfully, I kept sending the correspondence back - it sounds like a lot of people forgot to send back their packets and they only have themselves to blame.
Again, I don't want to get too excited yet, but it looks like I may have already won 10 million dollars. You may see me on T.V. - I'm going to try my best to act surprised, but it's kind of a done deal at this point.
Please know that I won't forget ANY of you...you're all special to me!

Sincerely,

Toby L Lorenc

COPS: Special Edition-Chuck E Cheese

Grab your cupcakes and pizza kids - there was a new LIVE show at Chuck E Cheese in Aurora, CO the other night. No, it wasn't the usual squeaky mechanical animals performing on stage last Sunday afternoon that caught customers attention, it was the man being tasered at the salad bar! Police were called to the Chuck E Cheese in the suburb of Denver when 29 year-old Danon Gale couldn't prove to a manager that he had paid for the trip to the salad bar after loading his plate like a hungry soldier. But he wasn't the only soldier there that night - the police showed up to take care of this serious situation. "All units - CODE 3 to the Chuck E Cheese salad bar" crackled over the police radio. When officers showed up, the stories start conflicting about what actually happened (you know, who pushed who first). But it all ended with the salad bandit getting tasered twice by the police, in front of his 3 and 7 year old kids as well as a full house of other children and families. Chuck E Cheese managers said, "When the police began tasering him, he really had some great moves and we're thinking about incorporating them into our live dance shows so kids can watch it again and again." Okay, they didn't really say that. In fact, they've hired an attorney and refused to comment. Maybe it's time to pick a new place for family entertainment.

Check out the full story of the salad bar tasering.

Jobs we never admit to

Thinking back on all the jobs I've had, I start to wonder: What was I thinking? As you know if you've read my blog, I was Chuck E Cheese for a while. I remember actually thinking as I applied how cool it would be to wear around that huge rat costume. Truth be told, it was terrible. It was so hot - you're covered by layers of padded fur and you have to dance every hour. The mini fan in the head of Chuck E doesn't come close to cooling you down. I used to sweat so much, my glasses would slide off my face inside the Chuck E head. Plus, you've got kids pulling a tugging on you wanting constant attention. I think parents who don't give thier kids enough attention take them to Chuck E Cheese. That way, they can get hugs and have someone hold thier hand as they walk around, while mom and dad sit at the table drinking cheap beer and even worse wine. I guess those help wash down the awful pizza and make parents forget they don't give their kids enough attention. Then kids can win cheesy prizes for playing games and collecting tickets. I don't know what the attraction is, but I'll admit I loved going there as a kid too. But working there was a whole different story. What was I thinking?

Drooling while you sleep can be socially awkward

When I was in high school, I went to a white water rafting camp in Oregon. Basically, it was a week long and we went white water rafting every other day. It was perhaps one of the greatest weeks of my life and full of memories. One memory in particular was not so good. After a long day of rafting, I was headed home on the short bus with the other kids from my raft group. The girl next to me was obviously exhausted from the day and fell asleep almost as soon as we sat down. I didn't know her at all - never met her, never seen her, except for that day and even that day I never actually talked to her. So, about 10 minutes into the ride her head falls onto my shoulder. Let's be honest - she was really not all that attractive so it was one of those awkward moments - I didn't want to wake her up and embarrass her, but I also really didn't want her snoozing on my shoulder. But, being the nice guy I was, I didn't wake her up. A few minutes later, the bus started heading down a hill and her body wasn't prepared for the transition. The next thing I knew her whole body flopped over and her head was in my lap. As her face slapped against the back of my hand in my lap, she immediately woke up, sat straight up and looked at me with this horrified expression, then laid her head against the bus window and went back to sleep. The whole thing happened so fast, I was still trying to piece it together when I noticed the entire back-side of my hand covered in a pool of warm drool. This wasn't just a droplet, we're talking a full, chipmunk-size-storage mouthful. So, I grabbed her shirt that was sitting on the seat next to her and soaked it up - what! I wasn't going to wipe it on my clothes! I don't think she ever fully knew what happened...it's probably better that way.

Some personal notes from me to phobics

Phobophobia: Fear of phobias
I would advise that you don't continue reading.

Prosophobia: Fear of progress
Two down, 12 to go. Good work!

Sophophobia: Fear of learning
Keep reading - there's lots of good information here.

Agateophobia: Fear of insanity
Is it just me or does that seem like a cyclical problem? If you're always afraid that you may be insane....doesn't that make you insane?

Apeirophobia: Fear of infinity
Sorry apeirophobics, this will always be a fear for humans. ALWAYS.

Arithmophobia: Fear of numbers
My #1 favorite, but #6 on the list.

Athazagoraphobia: Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting
These people don't really exist.

Catagelophobia: Fear of being ridiculed
These people are morons.

Cenophobia (or Centophobia): Fear of new things or ideas
I bet you don't even know what your phobia is called.

Cyberphobia: Fear of computers or working on a computer
STOP READING NOW

Decidophobia: Fear of making decisions
Please take my survey in the sidebar.

Hamartophobia: Fear of sinning
Too late. Sinner.

Xyrophobia: Fear of razors
I'm sure you have a lovely beard.

specific phobias

Shameless Self Promotion

Looking for something to do on a Friday night in Colorado Springs? Good news - The Stick Horses in Pants are doing a FREE improv comedy show at the Broadmoor Hotel Theater on April 6th at 8:00PM (yes, that is Good Friday). We take pride in keeping our shows "clean" and family friendly so anyone can attend. There is no cost for the show so bring a date and we'll let you both in free. This is audience suggestion, improvisational comedy. Not rehearsed, not scripted. If you like the TV show Who's Line Is It Anyway, you'll love our show.
I want you to be there....no excuses. If you haven't started your taxes yet, one more night isn't going to hurt.

Looking forward to seeing you there. Contact me if you have questions or need more details.

Tossing the salad

Well, as some of you know, I used to work at Chuck E Cheese pizza. Although I was only there for 5 months, I gained many stories and life lessons from that awful place....most aren't worth telling, but here's a good one.
When I wasn't "in Chuck E Cheese" as we say in the industry (i.e. dressed up in the costume getting punched by children) I was a host. Basically, I was a personal slave to grouchy parents for 1.5 hours at a time. They would book their special birthday party for Jimmy and invite all his little friends and I would set up the birthday table and serve them greasy pizza and cheap sheet cake. One Friday night was particularly busy with a full dining room of parties so I was rushing around trying to keep up. As I headed pass the salad bar back to the kitchen I had no idea what I was about to walk into. Someone had diligently mopped the tile floor after a major soda spill created by one of the little pipsqueaks but failed to put up that annoying bright yellow sign that says "Caution: Wet Floor" in Spanish. Feeling rushed from the madhouse of customers, I was walking briskly back to the kitchen when I took one step on the wet tile and...well, let's just say my back hit the floor before you could say "advierta el suelo mojado". However, in that brief second in mid-air I managed to reach out towards the salad bar to try and catch myself. Try is the keyword there. Instead of breaking my fall, I managed to wrap one finger around the crouton dish, one finger around the sunflower seed bowl, and one on the bacon bits....you know, those ugly maroon unbreakable dishes they use on salad bars? I'm not sure how it happened, but all the salad toppings beat me to the floor and I landed in all of them. If it wasn't obviously enough that I had fallen, the three unbreakable dishes bounced around on the floor like a set of drums, drawing even more attention to the guy laying in salad toppings. "Attention all employees. Clean up on aisle one, salad bar. Stat."

And you thought I was dead....

Wow, I just remembered that I have a blog. It's been almost 3 months since I've blogged. I guess I didn't really feel like I had much to say, but lots has happened.
First of all, my car is now repaired and in working order which is a good thing because work (real estate) has been crazy the last couple of weeks. Been showing lots of people around, looking at houses and eventually I'll buy one for myself too.
I sold my first house at the end of January but nothing since. So, that leaves me with one paycheck in the last 8 months. Nice. I think I'll set up a charity fund at a local bank that any of you can donate to if you wish.
Let's see....what else....the milk I bought when I posted my last blog has now gone bad, I've aged 3 months, and I have some new friends thanks to MySpace....okay, they're not really friends.
I still have a limited amount of hair, but it's still by choice. Check out my pic and new website, www.buywithtoby.com.
I've listed my first house as well - please buy it.
If you're missing your dose of "Toby Humor" come see me with The Stick Horses in Pants at our next improv show, April 6th at the Broadmoor Hotel. Yes, that's Good Friday. Show starts at 8pm in the Theater.
Also, check out some of our YouTube Videos:

World's Worst DTR
The Stick Horses At Play
Is it a Date or Not?

Well, that's about it. Keep checking back - I might actually start doing this regularly again.