Monday, August 07, 2006

Mary's meat sauce...and other things I wasn't interested in.

When I first moved into my townhouse I was 19 years old and my neighbor next door was a middle-aged woman who was single and looking for a nice young man....much younger. I apparently fit the role well. But it wasn't a mutual interest. You see, I'm too nice sometimes and one day I offered to help her with something. After that, me and my roommate became her "handymen". We hung curtain rods, changed light bulbs, carried in groceries, moved furniture, fixed her computer, etc. Once we had done our chores, she "rewarded" us with a special gift - frozen, homemade spaghetti sauce in ziploc bags. I sort of felt like Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer. We were always a little worried about the contents, so we never actually indulged in our parting gifts. Yeah, they went straight to the trash. Anyway, we continued to help her with various things until she started making comments in her grogly smoker voice, "If I was 30 years younger..." although we never got to hear how that phrase ended because Mary would begin to laugh, and then start a hacking-cough from years of smoking. On the days she wasn't feeling as forward, she'd tell us about her drinking problem and start crying - then (of course) "Come give me a big hug" and she would embrace us like a Katrina victim being air-lifted from their rooftop by a rescue party. Finally, she found a nice live-in-boyfriend (Rafael) at AA and she didn't need our assistance anymore. One Saturday morning, they came over and told us how much they appreciated us as neighbors and asked us if we wanted to have a BBQ that afternoon on the community lawn. It seemed a little strange, but we accepted. He was going to bring the beer (they both left AA after meeting eachother) and we were going to provide the burgers. Anyway, a few hours later, we saw them driving away with a truckload of stuff. We figured they'd be back in time for the BBQ in a few hours, but we never saw them again.

4 comments:

CJ said...

That is a really funny/awkward situation my friend. I am wired similarly to you in that I always find myself in these strange quasi-relationships with people I don't really want to be friends with but don't quite know how to get out of without hurting someone's feelings. So when i get too many of those, I move to a new state, hence my current address.

Remind me when we talk to tell you about my old "roommate" who was also a middle aged lady that wanted a son but advertised for a roommate and got me. Ack!

Ruth said...

Absolutely hilarious. But you know I really wanted more of a smashing ending, you know...instead of Mary and her AA boyfriend driving off into the sunset so...ABRUPTLY. :P

EjucatedGuy said...

what can I say...I just tell the stories, I don't choose the ending.

Ruth said...

You know that's almost profound...