I'm chewing the ocean

True Story: I was out with my (then) girlfriend to Black Eyed Pea for lunch. The waitress knew me, because I had given her a hard time in the past. At one point, I begged, "Please don't spit in my food" and from then forward, it was her joke everytime I came in. I would order chicken fried steak, green beans, and mashed potatoes and she would ask, "Would you like spit in that?" Yeah, I didn't think it was funny either. Anyway, this particular day, she asked the same question and I responded, "You know, I hope you really don't spit in my food or poison it every time I come here." Ha, ha, ha we had a good laugh, blah, blah, blah. Part of her daily pitch of specials included a Blackberry cobbler, made fresh for the lunch hour rush. We were there around 1pm for a late lunch, and I was surprised there was any left when I ordered some for dessert. So, back to the conversation with my girlfriend (she's married now, I kind of blew that one). We were having a fairly serious conversation and she was close to tears as I took my first bite of cobbler....there was something terribly wrong. It was, perhaps, the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth. I didn't want to cause a scene or interrupt the serious conversation, so I kept chewing, gagging, and finally swallowed what tasted like a huge bite of chunky ocean water. Finally, Sarah (the relationship I once had) noticed by the contortions in my face that something was wrong and paused the conversation to check in on me. Yeah, it was bad. I knew immediately - they made the cobbler with salt instead of sugar. Apparently, I was the 1st lucky customer of the day to test the awful mix of ingredients. I'm still not sure why I didn't just spit it out. So, we called the waitress over to inquire why she really went through with the threat of poisoning my food. She alerted the manager, who made the entire staff try the disgusting concoction and then they threw away all 6 pans of the wretched mix. Really, I can't ever have Blackberry cobbler again. Thanks Black Eyed Pea for a ruined relationship and bad food.

SPECIAL REQUEST: Stop

To all companies, sales people, and other pointless ventures of advertising, consumer aquisition and retention, please note that I would rather not receive the following items from this point forward:
1) The stupid neighborhood/community newspaper that gets thrown at the end of my driveway and eventually rots into small scraps of newspaper that wash down the city streets.
2) All Facebook application requests.
3) DVD's from Columbia House that I have to return because I forgot to decline my selection of the month.
4) The coupon magazine that comes in my mailbox filled with mail-in cards for collectible figurines that fall out of the stack of mail before I make it inside.
5) The email notification from various people in Africa that I can work with confidentially to get the money I'm owed as a beneficiary to some large some of money.
6) The plastic swords in my drinks and toothpicks in my sandwiches. these are dangerous.
7) the extra screws that come with self-assemble furniture. I don't even use all the required pieces and I certainly don't need extra. as long as the furniture doesn't collapse, I'm okay with the standard supplies.
8) coupons for "buy one sandwich get one free". I'm single and I eat alone frequently. I don't really want another sandwich. I would rather get half price on the sandwich I just bought and not have someone remind me on a daily basis that I have no one else to share a second sandwich with.
9) the huge cotton ball in bottles of medication. I can get a whole bag of cotton balls for 99 cents at Wal-Mart. I don't need more.
10) the annoying phone call I get 2 minutes after arriving in my hotel room to make sure everything is okay. first of all, your phones are nasty and smell like perfume and body sweat. I prefer not to use them. Plus, I'm tired. If I felt like chatting, I would have had a cup of coffee with you at the front desk when I checked in.

Thank you for your consideration. My patience is running thin.

All the facts add up - I should be smarter

I recently realized I had all the tools growing up that I needed to make me smarter, I just forgot to use them. I started off with a classic toy - the Speak and Spell. Although I could have learned how to spell words and hear sounds with it, instead I plugged in dirty words just to hear a computer say them back. Hilarious by the way - totally worth it. Then I decided it was time to downsize. Yeah, I had this pretty cool calculator watch starting at about 6th grade. It was larger than the back side of my wrist and I probably could have slid it up past my bicept on a cold day. It could do pretty much anything (at the time) but I'm not sure if I ever used the calculator function on it. No, instead I was busy making notes about how much money people owed me from when I let them borrow lunch money and filling up the phone book function with all my friends names and telephone numbers. I think this momentous piece of equipment was also responsible for launching my parttime career of unsuccessful pickup lines like, "My calculator watch has room for you." When I got bored, I would put other numbers in there too, like the library (even though I never went to the library - another missed opportunity for education). Anyway, fast forward another 7 years and I went to college. Another great opportunity to get smarter...but I was a communications major. I know, it just keeps getting worse. Finally, I worked at a publishing company for 5.5 years...but I didn't like reading. So, here I am - ready for smartness to occur. Maybe I'll make a point of using the technology and resources I have to assist in my smarter marathon. For instance, this past year I started playing the Wii instead of xbox. I think I get some points for that...or at least more excercise.

Best Theater Troupe Colorado Springs

If you're local to Colorado Springs or you feel like taking a road trip, come see the Stick Horses in Pants v.s. the R.I.P on June 6 & 7th. These two local improv groups will go head-to-head, competing against each other to claim the title "Best Improv Group in Colorado Springs." Of course, the Stick Horses have already won the title "Best Theater Troupe" according to the Gazette newspaper "Best of Awards for 2008" but they're willing to let R.I.P get a little publicity as well. The shows start at 8:00pm each night, June 6th and June 7th. Similar to Comedy Sports or Who's Line is it Anyway, this show will be audience suggestion improv and an opportunity for you to laugh outloud and impress a date with a fun event. Please support the arts and improv in Colorado Springs by attending this event. Your support (and laughter) help us grow the arts and entertainment in Colorado Springs.

YOU'RE the one who ruined our friendship, I'M just deleting your picture

It's that tough battle that many of us face today - we want more friends on Facebook and deleting a current friend seems preposterous (yeah, I totally had to look that word up on dictionary.com). But sometimes they leave you with no other choice. Here's a letter you're free to use if you find yourself in this awkward situation:

Dear _________ ,

Look, since we've never met each other this is going to be even more awkward. I'm not sure how you talked me into adding you as a friend. I've been very patient with you as you've added 3 new applications each day. I get so excited when I see that I have "5 Notifications" but when I open them, I see your sorry, poorly lit profile picture that you took of yourself in the mirror under the yellowish lights of the bathroom one Friday night as you stayed at home alone. Next to your picture, I'm immediately brought up-to-date on all the ridiculous new applications created for Facebook that day. Where do you find these? How many walls, pokes, races, and fights do I really need? I'm exhausted by the fact that you poke, pinch, throw, prod, tase, throw sharp objects, and exchange bunnies with me daily and ask me to return the "favor." And, no, you're still not my "Top Friend" because it would make my girlfriend angry.
Frankly, I don't care where you've been because I never intend to go anywhere with you. I don't care what kind of drink you order at Starbucks because I'm not going to bring you one, and I could care less if you've compared me as a worse kisser than your friend Timmy.
I'm sorry if this is abrupt, but I'm deleting you from my friends. You're the one who ruined our friendship, I'm just deleting your picture.

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