Tuesday, January 06, 2009

You're a huge tool and everyone knows it

You think you're so cool, walking along with your new Christmas clothes on and your sharp new haircut. You sniff up a confident stream of air through your nose which only makes you realize there's still a bit of that Christmas cold lingering in your sinuses. After a quick but moderately quiet snort, you feel the need to spit. But there are so many people watching you - it's hard to be so good looking. You keep your mouth shut waiting for the perfect opportunity to spit where few people will notice, perhaps a small shrub or street crossing. Finally, the moment is right - no one's looking and you let it go...but not quite. It's that damn stringy spit that won't break apart! How is this still attached to your face?!? You gave it a good effort but now it's blowing in the wind and you're awkwardly bent at the waist while continuing to walk, waiting for the 3 foot long strand to release from your bottom lip. Now, you're realizing you should have stopped walking much earlier as it has attached itself to your new Christmas sweater, yet it continues to cling to your chin. NOW people are looking, and it's not your haircut they're noticing. Mothers are pulling their children close with fear in their eyes and disgust in their faces, and even the homeless are shocked by your lack of control. You have to take action and you sacrifice the back of your hand to avoid further embarrassment. But word spreads immediately - don't shake his hand or give him a hug. You're practically a huge walking disease of filth and saliva. There are so many people laughing at you right now. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us.

If you enjoyed this, you may also want to read about drooling while you sleep.


Kelsey Donahue said...

Oh Toby. You are the Gob in my Stopper. :)

Stefanie said...

This is truly, horrifyingly disgusting. And yet I can't help but picture the whole scene.
So kudos for making me gag while reading. And for using the word "tool" in your title. And last but not least, for adding me to your blog list. Surely now I will have more than 3 readers. It's all about who you know.

Anonymous said...

Glad to know some people never change and can make me laugh no matter what! Hadn't read your stuff in a while but I really needed a laugh today and something told me to check in on you.
Thanks for not lettine me down Toby!

Kelsey Donahue said...

You have not blogged since January 6th. Unacceptable.