You're a huge tool and everyone knows it

You think you're so cool, walking along with your new Christmas clothes on and your sharp new haircut. You sniff up a confident stream of air through your nose which only makes you realize there's still a bit of that Christmas cold lingering in your sinuses. After a quick but moderately quiet snort, you feel the need to spit. But there are so many people watching you - it's hard to be so good looking. You keep your mouth shut waiting for the perfect opportunity to spit where few people will notice, perhaps a small shrub or street crossing. Finally, the moment is right - no one's looking and you let it go...but not quite. It's that damn stringy spit that won't break apart! How is this still attached to your face?!? You gave it a good effort but now it's blowing in the wind and you're awkwardly bent at the waist while continuing to walk, waiting for the 3 foot long strand to release from your bottom lip. Now, you're realizing you should have stopped walking much earlier as it has attached itself to your new Christmas sweater, yet it continues to cling to your chin. NOW people are looking, and it's not your haircut they're noticing. Mothers are pulling their children close with fear in their eyes and disgust in their faces, and even the homeless are shocked by your lack of control. You have to take action and you sacrifice the back of your hand to avoid further embarrassment. But word spreads immediately - don't shake his hand or give him a hug. You're practically a huge walking disease of filth and saliva. There are so many people laughing at you right now. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us.

If you enjoyed this, you may also want to read about drooling while you sleep.

Things I Miss From Childhood

These are the things that made my childhood so cool:

MR BUBBLE

Heck with Rubber Ducky, Mr Bubble made bath time lots of fun for me. My mom would always measure a tiny capful, then when she left the bathroom we would add another few cups of Mr Bubble to the water. If you read up on Mr. Bubble, it was actually intended to encourage kids to take baths. Worked for me - I took a bath every Saturday night until I was 16 (This statement is for humorous purposes only. It is not intended to represent or classify actual time spent bathing).

SUPERMAN PAJAMAS & UNDEROOS
Oh yeah, these were very cool. I ran around in them all day, jumping from the 4th stair so my cape could flap in the wind a bit and I could feel the thrill of flying for 0.2 seconds. After a full day of super activities in my pj's, I would wear them to bed. I'm sure they had an awful stench.

BIG WHEELS

I'm not sure why these were so popular. I guess they were good for kids like me who didn't learn to ride a 2-wheel bike until later than most children. But the design of Big Wheels seemed a little sub-par. No matter how fast you pedaled, the flat tractionless plastic wheels just kept spinning. If you were riding along with your friends, there was no hope for talking to eachother because the plastic on pavement made so much noise, you had stop just to make sense of any conversation. Plus, the brakes on those...uummmm, I don't think they would have really served you well in a true emergency based on the fact you would still skid a good 5 feet after fully applying the brake pedal. Perhaps that most dangerous part of these cheap plastic contraptions was going down a hill where you could no longer move your legs fast enough to keep up with the pedals and you ended up whacking the hell out of your chins and feet. Way to go on introducing pain to children at an early age Mr. Big Wheel.

LAZER TAG

Very retro. Padded vest and dorky trucker hats with sensors provided hours of fun. They also used gobs of batteries and after a few stuntman dives across the floor, the guns didn't work so well.

ZOTS

There were two types of Zots. One, (Zotz) were an individually wrapped hard candy available at the local 7-11 that had a fizzy-center filling. The second type of zot was the typical boy invention - pieces of ordinary paper, folded up many times, then folded in half. Often times, we would put tape around them as well. Then, you wrap them around a rubber band and shoot them at each other like a sling shot. We had hours of zot wars in our basement growing up. My moms only requirement was that we wore goggles to protect our eyes. We also used our Lazer Tag vest to protect our core since the lazer tag set pretty much broke after the first few months we had it. We were huge dorks, but it was lots of fun. It was sort of a younger version of "Paint Ball" - we had many welts and red marks from some brutal zot shots.

Thanks for reflecting with me, and thanks to Stef N for the inspiration to write on Mr Bubble.

Year of The _________

I try to date one girl per year. It just makes it easier when recalling past relationships so I can refer to my relationships as periods in my life. For instance, "Year of The Lisa." It's no coincidence that some of these periods of my life are names of horrific tropical storms.


As I prepare for the New Year, I've done some thinking. More than just the obvious thoughts that run through my head (like the fact that according to the Chinese calendar 2009 is the Year of The Ox which concerns me a little) but really contemplating. I think I just need to be really honest with women: I have NO money and I'm probably not going to age well. I've already reached my peak and it's all downhill from here. I've never been good at picking up on subtle hints so please just tell me what you're thinking. I will remember random things, but sometimes not the things you deem as "important" so cut me some slack....okay, maybe I should stop. I'm just reciting the actual conversations that ended each of the last few historic "periods" of my life.

A surprise in every meal!

I'll admit - I eat out a lot. (Alone. But that's another story.) I think Sonic Drive-In is one of my favorite places. Yeah. They don't even invite you inside. You're encouraged to stay in your car. Sure, they set up a few picnic tables outside, but they're the kind with the holes in them and you end up loosing lots of food through the table. Plus, if you spill your drink you're screwed. It immediately soaks your pants and you'll need an ample supply of napkins. But none of the car-hops are around when you need something. Sure, they've been over a dozen times to see if you want more ketchup packets or another peppermint, but good luck finding them when they mess up your order or you spill all over your pants because of their special recipe-for-disaster-picnic-tables. If you dare try to go inside and open the sacred "Sonic Door" all the employees yell out some sort of secret code word that basically means you shouldn't have walked into their kitchen. Also, few people know this, but Sonic DOES have bathrooms. They're kind of like gas station bathrooms; it's a scary door that looks like a janitor closet you can only access from outside the building. But my favorite thing about Sonic is that you get to sample a bit of everything when you go. Sure, they always ask if you want fries, tots, or onion rings but we all know it doesn't matter which one you order. After a couple of tots, you find a few fries mashed into your box, and if you're lucky, some onion ring pieces. I wonder what their thinking in that private little kitchen of theirs. I order tots for a reason, but I always get the "combo pack". The real reason I go to Sonic is the amazing music they blare over the loud speakers. And, I'll admit it, I'm just hoping one day to see a car hop bite it in the parking lot on their roller skates.

I'm chewing the ocean

True Story: I was out with my (then) girlfriend to Black Eyed Pea for lunch. The waitress knew me, because I had given her a hard time in the past. At one point, I begged, "Please don't spit in my food" and from then forward, it was her joke everytime I came in. I would order chicken fried steak, green beans, and mashed potatoes and she would ask, "Would you like spit in that?" Yeah, I didn't think it was funny either. Anyway, this particular day, she asked the same question and I responded, "You know, I hope you really don't spit in my food or poison it every time I come here." Ha, ha, ha we had a good laugh, blah, blah, blah. Part of her daily pitch of specials included a Blackberry cobbler, made fresh for the lunch hour rush. We were there around 1pm for a late lunch, and I was surprised there was any left when I ordered some for dessert. So, back to the conversation with my girlfriend (she's married now, I kind of blew that one). We were having a fairly serious conversation and she was close to tears as I took my first bite of cobbler....there was something terribly wrong. It was, perhaps, the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth. I didn't want to cause a scene or interrupt the serious conversation, so I kept chewing, gagging, and finally swallowed what tasted like a huge bite of chunky ocean water. Finally, Sarah (the relationship I once had) noticed by the contortions in my face that something was wrong and paused the conversation to check in on me. Yeah, it was bad. I knew immediately - they made the cobbler with salt instead of sugar. Apparently, I was the 1st lucky customer of the day to test the awful mix of ingredients. I'm still not sure why I didn't just spit it out. So, we called the waitress over to inquire why she really went through with the threat of poisoning my food. She alerted the manager, who made the entire staff try the disgusting concoction and then they threw away all 6 pans of the wretched mix. Really, I can't ever have Blackberry cobbler again. Thanks Black Eyed Pea for a ruined relationship and bad food.