Some requests for the next time Wendy's makes my hamburger

Dear Makers of Tag Body Spray

Dear Wendy's Sandwich Makers

Dear Wendy's sandwich makers,
I have a few requests for the next time you make my sandwich.  Certainly, I'm no restaurant connoisseur, but there seem to be some common sense ideals I'd like to mention that perhaps you could consider.
First of all, please consider the fact that I don't eat my entire hamburger in one bite.  I don't know what kind of training you go through or what burger-making formula you're taught your first day working at Wendy's. But let me give you a little insight: most people enjoy pickles with every bite of the burger, not just the very center bite where you stack all 5 pickles on top of each other.
Same goes for the glob of mustard. There's a reason it comes out of the container in a thin line. Try rotating your hand in a circular motion around the top of the hamburger. One giant squeeze, creating "Mustard Mountain" right in the center is not the preferred method. You can also practice this method with the ketchup and mayo!
Next, onions are obviously the cheapest ingredient since you so graciously pile 1/4 pound of onion on each burger. I thought it was supposed to be a quarter pound of meat? Perhaps there is some confusion and you should go back and reference your manual.
Also, keep in mind that when surveyed, most American's preferred red tomatoes, not hard green crunchy ones. I think I may have figured this one out. Your slogan on your website reads Quality is Our Recipe. I guess I need to request that recipe next time I come in; I didn't realize it was by request only. This is no fault of yours, as a sandwich maker, but maybe just consider it in the broad scheme of things.
Finally, when I  unwrapped my burger tonight, I found most of these condiments smeared all over the sandwich wrapper and consequently all over the outside of the bun. I understand you're working for speed, but obviously that's not working out for you too well either. There's always a huge line when I come in to order and I end up waiting about 5 minutes per customer before I even make it to the counter.
Is any of this making sense to you?  Do you eat your own sandwiches and actually experience these issues that countless customers are taking in stride every meal? Certainly, you don't claim to be "sandwich artists" and it's becoming more and more clear why.
One more thought - has your store ever considered getting more than one credit card terminal for all the cash registers, which gets tied up when you get a phone call or another customer chooses to pay with credit?
Just thought you might consider my suggestions.

A surprise in every meal!

I'll admit - I eat out a lot. (Alone. But that's another story.) I think Sonic Drive-In is one of my favorite places. Yeah. They don't even invite you inside. You're encouraged to stay in your car. Sure, they set up a few picnic tables outside, but they're the kind with the holes in them and you end up loosing lots of food through the table. Plus, if you spill your drink you're screwed. It immediately soaks your pants and you'll need an ample supply of napkins. But none of the car-hops are around when you need something. Sure, they've been over a dozen times to see if you want more ketchup packets or another peppermint, but good luck finding them when they mess up your order or you spill all over your pants because of their special recipe-for-disaster-picnic-tables. If you dare try to go inside and open the sacred "Sonic Door" all the employees yell out some sort of secret code word that basically means you shouldn't have walked into their kitchen. Also, few people know this, but Sonic DOES have bathrooms. They're kind of like gas station bathrooms; it's a scary door that looks like a janitor closet you can only access from outside the building. But my favorite thing about Sonic is that you get to sample a bit of everything when you go. Sure, they always ask if you want fries, tots, or onion rings but we all know it doesn't matter which one you order. After a couple of tots, you find a few fries mashed into your box, and if you're lucky, some onion ring pieces. I wonder what their thinking in that private little kitchen of theirs. I order tots for a reason, but I always get the "combo pack". The real reason I go to Sonic is the amazing music they blare over the loud speakers. And, I'll admit it, I'm just hoping one day to see a car hop bite it in the parking lot on their roller skates.

SPECIAL REQUEST: Stop

To all companies, sales people, and other pointless ventures of advertising, consumer aquisition and retention, please note that I would rather not receive the following items from this point forward:
1) The stupid neighborhood/community newspaper that gets thrown at the end of my driveway and eventually rots into small scraps of newspaper that wash down the city streets.
2) All Facebook application requests.
3) DVD's from Columbia House that I have to return because I forgot to decline my selection of the month.
4) The coupon magazine that comes in my mailbox filled with mail-in cards for collectible figurines that fall out of the stack of mail before I make it inside.
5) The email notification from various people in Africa that I can work with confidentially to get the money I'm owed as a beneficiary to some large some of money.
6) The plastic swords in my drinks and toothpicks in my sandwiches. these are dangerous.
7) the extra screws that come with self-assemble furniture. I don't even use all the required pieces and I certainly don't need extra. as long as the furniture doesn't collapse, I'm okay with the standard supplies.
8) coupons for "buy one sandwich get one free". I'm single and I eat alone frequently. I don't really want another sandwich. I would rather get half price on the sandwich I just bought and not have someone remind me on a daily basis that I have no one else to share a second sandwich with.
9) the huge cotton ball in bottles of medication. I can get a whole bag of cotton balls for 99 cents at Wal-Mart. I don't need more.
10) the annoying phone call I get 2 minutes after arriving in my hotel room to make sure everything is okay. first of all, your phones are nasty and smell like perfume and body sweat. I prefer not to use them. Plus, I'm tired. If I felt like chatting, I would have had a cup of coffee with you at the front desk when I checked in.

Thank you for your consideration. My patience is running thin.

YOU'RE the one who ruined our friendship, I'M just deleting your picture

It's that tough battle that many of us face today - we want more friends on Facebook and deleting a current friend seems preposterous (yeah, I totally had to look that word up on dictionary.com). But sometimes they leave you with no other choice. Here's a letter you're free to use if you find yourself in this awkward situation:

Dear _________ ,

Look, since we've never met each other this is going to be even more awkward. I'm not sure how you talked me into adding you as a friend. I've been very patient with you as you've added 3 new applications each day. I get so excited when I see that I have "5 Notifications" but when I open them, I see your sorry, poorly lit profile picture that you took of yourself in the mirror under the yellowish lights of the bathroom one Friday night as you stayed at home alone. Next to your picture, I'm immediately brought up-to-date on all the ridiculous new applications created for Facebook that day. Where do you find these? How many walls, pokes, races, and fights do I really need? I'm exhausted by the fact that you poke, pinch, throw, prod, tase, throw sharp objects, and exchange bunnies with me daily and ask me to return the "favor." And, no, you're still not my "Top Friend" because it would make my girlfriend angry.
Frankly, I don't care where you've been because I never intend to go anywhere with you. I don't care what kind of drink you order at Starbucks because I'm not going to bring you one, and I could care less if you've compared me as a worse kisser than your friend Timmy.
I'm sorry if this is abrupt, but I'm deleting you from my friends. You're the one who ruined our friendship, I'm just deleting your picture.

________________

Wanna Treat?!? It's still warm...

I just spent the last 8 days dogsitting my parents two dogs. I don't know why I don't have a dog...oh..wait...I remember. Because I don't enjoy picking up steaming hot dog poop with my hand wrapped around Tuesday's blue newspaper bag. Notice, I didn't say Sunday's bag. That's because the Sunday paper is stuffed with ads and that Parade Magazine that no one reads. All that extra weight usually results in the paper hitting the porch a little harder at 4AM on Sunday morning when the unemployed Intel worker delivers my paper. The force of his anger and the extra weight of the paper usually rips a hole in the corner of the Sunday bag and that makes for poor protection of my hands 30 seconds after the dogs have pinched off a fresh one in the neighbors yard. Although, even after a short week of this delightful duty, I started learning other tricks to save time and the feeling of repulsiveness of picking up Pedigree biproducts. For instance, if you carry a bag along with you while you walk the dogs and throw some rocks in it, then bend down and grab a handful of grass directly next to the target, the neighbors think you're cleaning it up. Also, I was a little confused what to do with the bags full of poop? Is it okay to just throw those away in the Bestway dumpster? I hope so. Sorry Bestway...oh, and sorry to the neighbors who's yard I left poop in and just pulled some of their grass out.

What's under YOUR bed?

Have you ever stayed at "one of those" hotels? Last weekend, I went up to Denver for 2 events. First, there was the Great American Beer Festival on Thursday night and then the Denver Improv Festival on Friday and Saturday. I decided that I didn't really care to fight Denver traffic both morning and night, so I got a hotel room. If you don't know me, let me tell you that I'm not exactly a "planner". So, 2 days before I went to Denver, I started buying my tickets for the fesitvals and checking on hotels. Unfortunately, there were a lot of major events going on in the city that weekend and rooms were hard to find. However, I thought I had found the deal that everyone else had somehow overlooked. A hotel room for $40 per night! What a steal - man, am I lucky. I don't know how everyone else passed this up! It was just on the other side of the bridge from downtown on Speer at the highly-exclusive Knights Inn. Well, I quickly figured out why there was still vacancy. It was a small, cinder block building painted a beautiful dirt-cream color, with a spacious courtyard in the center. The rooms were still decorated for this century, with Goodwill quality couches and hammock style beds (meaning you roll to the middle no matter where you lay on the bed). There was no alarm clock, or clock at all for that matter, so you can just relax in your flea-bag room and not worry about the time. Although, relaxing on the bed was hard since there was a glass sliding door just inches from the bed that exited to the ground level courtyard where you could buy any variety of the latest street drugs. Now let's venture back to the bathroom. The yellow-tinted lights made it difficult to see if the tile was actually yellow too, but there was just enough light to verify a large brown stain on the cheap white towels. Mmmmm. Although the water initially spurted out dark brown, it quickly turned an off-yellow color, probably safe for brushing your teeth...I think. Let's go back out to the main room and relax......OHHHH...WHAT'S THAT SMELL? Yeah, it was late Thursday night when I caught a whif of a very bad odor...like baby poop. My first thought jumped back to an episode of Myth Busters where an unsuspecting couple found a dead body decomposing under their bed. So, I looked behind the olive green couch - no, not there - then under the bed. AHA! A half-eaten english muffin (which is funny since the hotel didn't provide breakfast) and a baby sippy cup further under the bed. Okay. Let's head back to the bathroom, puke a little, and then get a trash bag. I stuck my hand inside, wrapped it around my arm, layed on the bed and reached WAY under to grab the clear sippy cup. I had definitely found the source of the stench. Apparently, Junior wasn't very hungry and tossed his breakfast under the bed a few months ago. The sippy cup had a large, white,rock-hard piece of chunky milk in it. Back to the bathroom to vomit a little more, and then out to the dump with my check-in surprise. Thank you Knights in for two lovely nights in Denver - for only $89.99 with tax!

You're not really helping me

It's a funny thing-for some reason, as Colorado drivers, we don't have to parallel park to pass our driving test. Even so, I failed my driving test the first time I tried, but I'm proud to say I still have a clean driving record. Anyway, I learned to parallel park by....well, trying. It's very embarrassing, because I'm still not very good and I take lots of heat from friends . My lack of parking skills were fully demonstrated one evening in Manitou Springs, CO. Manitou is a small, touristy town at the foot of the mountains. It's also the witchcraft capitol of the USA, but that's not important right now and I'm not going to cite my source because I don't have one. Trust me. I'm Toby. Anyway, back to the parking problem. I was meeting my family for a nice dinner at the Mona Lisa fondue restaurant in historic (or satanic, however you want to look at it) Manitou Springs. The only available parking space was on the main street, cleverly named "Manitou Avenue". Good work with the creativity numb nuts.....ANYWAY, I pulled up to the parking space and after a 30-point manuever, I noticed there happened to be a man walking down the sidewalk next to my car. I immediately realized the opportunity for a little assistance with my parking skills and asked him to direct me. He agreed and started directing me back so I wouldn't hit the car behind me....(remember that part - it's key and a bit foreshadowing). Keep in mind (this is no excuse but certainly a critical factor) I was driving my extended cab 8-foot bed, Dodge Ram 1500 Quad Cab pick up. So, he kept directly me backward saying, "keep coming...you're fine...no problem...you've got it...I'm a huge liar....step on the gas...blah, blah, blah...BOOOOOOMMM >>>>> "what the heck?" My truck jolted and the car behind me moved down the street a bit...As soon as I realized I had hit the car behind me, he jovially blurted out in a I'm-dumber-than-a-stack-of-bricks voice, "TOO FAR!" He even laughed a little at the end...(it was very spiteful)...and then he kept walking while he shook his head like, "What a moron". YOU'RE THE MORON MY FRIEND...NO, NOT MY FRIEND....JUST MORON!! Obviously, I had no choice but to find another parking space so the car with minimal damage wouldn't know it was me.

Dear Friends,

I wanted to let you all know about a significant life change that may be coming very soon for me. I've been in fairly constant contact with a nation-wide company called Publisher's Clearing House that is offering something fairly substantial. I certainly don't want to get my hopes up and I hesitate even telling you, my trusted friends, about this possible opportunity.
Anyway, I'll try to keep this short, but here's the scoop:
It all started last February when I got a letter in the mail. At first, it seemed like the kind of letter that would be mailed to lots of people and I didn't think much of it. They asked me to do a few things and respond in a timely manner, which I did. As our correspondence continued, I realized that they really cared about me. They started personalizing my packages with sticky notes and personal letters from the president of the company. I realized that this was serious and I couldn't give up on the efforts I had already put forward. I admit, it has cost me a lot in postage, but in the end, that won't matter. I'm pretty sure it's between me and one other person here in Colorado Springs, but my household has been chosen several times and the probable winner. Thankfully, I kept sending the correspondence back - it sounds like a lot of people forgot to send back their packets and they only have themselves to blame.
Again, I don't want to get too excited yet, but it looks like I may have already won 10 million dollars. You may see me on T.V. - I'm going to try my best to act surprised, but it's kind of a done deal at this point.
Please know that I won't forget ANY of you...you're all special to me!

Sincerely,

Toby L Lorenc

Some personal notes from me to phobics

Phobophobia: Fear of phobias
I would advise that you don't continue reading.

Prosophobia: Fear of progress
Two down, 12 to go. Good work!

Sophophobia: Fear of learning
Keep reading - there's lots of good information here.

Agateophobia: Fear of insanity
Is it just me or does that seem like a cyclical problem? If you're always afraid that you may be insane....doesn't that make you insane?

Apeirophobia: Fear of infinity
Sorry apeirophobics, this will always be a fear for humans. ALWAYS.

Arithmophobia: Fear of numbers
My #1 favorite, but #6 on the list.

Athazagoraphobia: Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting
These people don't really exist.

Catagelophobia: Fear of being ridiculed
These people are morons.

Cenophobia (or Centophobia): Fear of new things or ideas
I bet you don't even know what your phobia is called.

Cyberphobia: Fear of computers or working on a computer
STOP READING NOW

Decidophobia: Fear of making decisions
Please take my survey in the sidebar.

Hamartophobia: Fear of sinning
Too late. Sinner.

Xyrophobia: Fear of razors
I'm sure you have a lovely beard.

specific phobias

Tossing the salad

Well, as some of you know, I used to work at Chuck E Cheese pizza. Although I was only there for 5 months, I gained many stories and life lessons from that awful place....most aren't worth telling, but here's a good one.
When I wasn't "in Chuck E Cheese" as we say in the industry (i.e. dressed up in the costume getting punched by children) I was a host. Basically, I was a personal slave to grouchy parents for 1.5 hours at a time. They would book their special birthday party for Jimmy and invite all his little friends and I would set up the birthday table and serve them greasy pizza and cheap sheet cake. One Friday night was particularly busy with a full dining room of parties so I was rushing around trying to keep up. As I headed pass the salad bar back to the kitchen I had no idea what I was about to walk into. Someone had diligently mopped the tile floor after a major soda spill created by one of the little pipsqueaks but failed to put up that annoying bright yellow sign that says "Caution: Wet Floor" in Spanish. Feeling rushed from the madhouse of customers, I was walking briskly back to the kitchen when I took one step on the wet tile and...well, let's just say my back hit the floor before you could say "advierta el suelo mojado". However, in that brief second in mid-air I managed to reach out towards the salad bar to try and catch myself. Try is the keyword there. Instead of breaking my fall, I managed to wrap one finger around the crouton dish, one finger around the sunflower seed bowl, and one on the bacon bits....you know, those ugly maroon unbreakable dishes they use on salad bars? I'm not sure how it happened, but all the salad toppings beat me to the floor and I landed in all of them. If it wasn't obviously enough that I had fallen, the three unbreakable dishes bounced around on the floor like a set of drums, drawing even more attention to the guy laying in salad toppings. "Attention all employees. Clean up on aisle one, salad bar. Stat."

Consider Yourself Warned

Click here to watch this blog as a video
Dear makers of TAG body spray,
I recently saw one of your commercials and was more than excited to try your new body spray. I was only imagining what could happen the minute I sprayed myself with your product - my mind was filled with images of large groups of girls attacking me instantly. Unfortunately, this hasn't been my experience.
When you said, "Consider Yourself Warned", I guess I thought this was a good thing. The first day I used TAG, I was overcome by a cloud of aerosol gas that I couldn't help but inhale in the close-quarters of my bathroom. My eyes began burning and when I exhaled, it was like I had been smoking TAG hookah. After escaping the formidable cloud myself, I wasn't coherent enough to think about warning my roommate. Before I knew it, he had entered the bathroom and was quickly suffering the effects of my little black bottle. Thankfully, we're both alright.
I've also noticed that the smell is slightly overpowering at first, and then it begins to turn sour throughout the day. The first day I went out after trying tag, I noticed women suddenly covering their mouths as I walked by. At first, I thought they were just laughing because I was suckered into believing they would be attracted to me, but then I realized they were throwing up in their mouths just a little. Indeed, the various scents don't seem to be as appealing to women as you promised in your commercials.
Thankfully, I won't need a refund on the $5 per bottle I paid for this product. I've found that it kills bees and wasps immediately with a quick shot, or I can empty a whole can into my house before leaving for vacation and it acts as a bug bomb, killing everything inside!

THANKS TAG!

T. L. Lorenc

Step Up: I'm ready!

My brother and I used to fight a lot and when I say "fight" I don't mean bickering, I mean Fight Club type fight. You see, we are only 15 months apart so we've always been very close. However, at one point, my brother was about 6'4", 260 lbs and 1% body fat when he was playing football. I, on the other hand, was about 5'6", 90lbs with no body or fat. So, it was hardly ever a real even playing field. One day in elementary school (I was in 2nd, he was in 4th grade) we decided to fight out on the playground before school. Now, understand that kids would gather around and watch as my brother and I squared off. Most of my fans would continue cheering even though I was laying on the ground in crazy pain. I wanted to show them that I could win occassionally. Fun times. Anyway, this cold winter day, we resorted to fighting again, but I decided this was my day. I was set in my mind that I would beat him and all my friends would cheer. I let him throw a few punches and then I socked him right in the mouth with my winter gloves on (the kind that smell funny on the inside when they get wet). He went down instantly! But, I pretty much knew that would happen since I had slipped a handful of cold rocks into the knuckles of my gloves. I think I got a little bruise on my finger when the rocks crushed against his front teeth. Anyway, right as he fell to the ground, the teacher blew the whistle and all the kids lined up to go to class....except my brother laying in the middle of the baseball field face down, covering his face. Maybe he was thinking if he held the spot where his front teeth used to be it might stop bleeding...it's hard to say. Finally, he got up and made some threatening remark to me. I don't know...I really couldn't understand him with his new lisp. Looking back, I should have thought it through a little better and positioned the rocks so they wouldn't hurt my fingers.

Those pennies sure do add up!

Yeah, I just got back from a family reunion. You'll notice that I'm gambling - pretty much becuase that was one of the few things to do in Des Moines, IA. Unfortantely, I was playing .02 cent slots, so the 1350 credits was a total of $27. It didn't last long... I also made some bets at the horse race track, but I lost before I could even figure out what was happening. That was fun.

It was fun to see everyone, and I had lots of time to think about life in general on the 12-hour drive (each way). One last picture: my cousins Chris, Kim and me (I'm not sure who's beers those are). Anyway, I'm still here - more to come soon.

Things are heatin up - inside and outside

Aaahh, the sights and sounds of Spring are here. Just the other day, I saw two bunnies riding eachother like the nickel-pony at the grocery store. After researching what I saw, I learned that a female rabbit is called a doe, a male rabbit is called a buck.
Very interesting.
Anyway, now that it's getting hot (I'm talking about the weather now, not the bunny love), I decided I needed another fan for my house. You see, only about 40% of homes in my city have A/C. Usually, our weather isn't unbearable and you can stay cool by simply opening the windows. Yeah, whatever. So, I went to the Sharper Image and picked up the Unbreakable Fan. It brags on the box that it's shatter proof. Is this really a serious problem that consumers are facing - their fans shattering? I couldn't say that's ever crossed my mind. I've seen lots of things in my life (like bunnies mating) but I've never seen a fan shatter....hmmm...Thankfully, I've side-stepped that landmine with my new purchase.
Yeah, this blog really wasn't about anything. I just wanted you to know I'm still alive.

Refreshing Turkey Legs!

Every holiday weekend gives us a reason to party - Memorial Day, St Patrick's Day, July 4th, Yom Kippur, etc. There are always plenty of festivals, parades, and events to occupy our time off work. And for some reason, when we get out in the hot sun, our senses are dulled and our judgment is impaired. I know this because I watch people line up and pay for overpriced turkey legs and giant pickles. Neither one of these is something I would consider a "refreshing snack". Maybe it's just me, but the last thing I'm thinking on a hot summer day is, "boy could I use a giant, hot turkey leg." Have you ever seen a marathon runner finish the race and head for the grill for a turkey leg? or a sunbather enjoying a day at the beach and crack open the cooler for a warm piece of poultry? No (unless you live in Alabama). So what makes them so tempting at carnivals and festivals? Someone needs to take a stand for all mankind and proudly say, "that's filthy disgusting."

Grills - not just for cars and cooking

So, as you know, I have opinions about lots of stuff. Here's a new one for ya - "Grills". These are actually custom-fit jewelry that somehow we've brainwashed some American citizens to not only buy, but wear over their teeth in public. Grills slip on over your teeth, but do absolutely nothing for the health of your teeth, in fact, it's recommended that you only wear them for 3 hours at a time. You can't have them in to eat, sleep, or brush your teeth. You can purchase these stunning freakshow trinkets anywhere from $100 to over $1,000. One site offers them in everything from 10k gold, to Platinum. I've thought of some potential ways these may change our society:

1) no more need for bicycle reflectors - just smile if you're about to get hit by a car
2) "It was so romantic - he got down on one knee, smiled, and asked me to marry him with a 14k grill"
3) Criminal mugshots will be less recognizable because of the glare from their grills
4) As if rap music isn't bad enough, now we're going to hear feedback in the microphone from their teeth jewelry
5) Eminem has something else to spend his money on...what's next?...maybe his children...

If I had a birthday party and could invite all my friends, it would mostly be flight attendants, rental car counter personnel, and TSA agents.

Well, another fun trip. Have I mentioned my love for travel? I figured I spent about 120 nights in hotels last year for work, not including personal travel. So far, about 40 this year. Tonight, I’m staying at an old favorite – the Hampton Inn Peabody (see this past blog for a recap of my last visit here). It was quite a adventure getting into Boston. THIRFTY Rental Car decided to rent the car I had booked with my reservation. So, AVIS was the next choice and all they had were minivan’s and Cadillac’s. My “inner geezer” chose the Caddy. So, I’m pimpin’ through Boston in my Caddy, looking like a possible dealer – or just a pimp. Tomorrow, it’s off to the airport for a 7:30 AM flight to Nashville (5:30 Colorado time). Most of you aren’t even up then – slackers.
I know travel is beginning to take a toll on my sanity when I start watching TV shows like Dog the Bounty Hunter and sumo wrestling on ESPN. Plus, when I’m home I miss the warm glow from the emergency orange-nightlite coming from the wall mounted hairdryer in the bathroom and the sheets tucked in so tight on the bed that I can’t feel my legs after 15 minutes. Only on the road my friends. Let me know if there’s something else you’d rather hear me complain about. I’m always up for suggestions.

Things that work - things that don't

Before you travel, let's review a list of both things that work in your hotel room, and things that don't:
THINGS THAT DON'T:
1) In-room iron
It will simply leak all over your clothes that you can't really press anyway thanks to the fine-quality Sunbeam irons that the hotel so thoughtfully selects for their premier guests.
2) Alarm Clock
Bring your own - despite your best efforts, you'll never be able to set these to actually go off at the right time
3) Key Card Locked Doors
Insert = Red light - dangit. Insert again = Red light - piece of... Insert again = YELLOW LIGHT!! what the *** does yellow mean?
4) Hot tub
Sorry for the inconvenience, but you've chosen to stay with us for the week that our hot tub is under major repairs.
5) Under-window temperature control unit
You have two options: off or on. Recommended: crank it up and cook for a while, then shut off to freeze.
NOW, THINGS THAT DO WORK:
1) In-room Iron
looks like the iron works after all. I just got a 3rd degree burn, but it still won't take the wrinkles out of my clothes
2) Alarm Clock
wow, that works too. apparently it has a dual alarm feature and the funny guy before set it to go off at 2:17 AM
3) Key Car Locked Doors
sure enough...I just closed my door without the key and it's securely locked. I guess it's time for a trip to the front desk in my pajamas.
4) Fire Alarm
blazing loud and clear - definitely works, except that it leaves me disabled in my room with a heart attack, left to burn
5) TV Remote
well, the volume up works, but I can't get it turned back down

Really - you're missing out on the glamour if you don't travel.