Ejucated Guy

The World of Chick-Fil-A

2012-01-28T23:41:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like waking up and heading to Chick-fil-a for breakfast in Colorado Springs (well, except on Sunday). I love CFA, even after being a previous employee. Yep, total nerd Toby worked there with his calculator watch and thick, gold framed eyeglasses days. It totally beat my Chuck E Cheese days, but that's another story.
The CFA experience just makes me laugh sometimes. It always catches me off guard when then say, "My pleasure." Sometime, I just want to respond, "Well, thanks for pleasuring me" and see their reaction.
The drive thru is also comical to me. I guess it's efficient (unlike Wendy's), but I always crack up when I see the employees awkwardly walking, then running, then slowing down, then jogging next to the car windows in the drive-thru line all while taking the customers' orders. Then, quickly calling the order into their fancy little headsets and moving along to the next car. I never know what to do - drive slow? Stop? Speed up really quickly and see if they can catch up? I don't have the best driving record, so I'm a bit concerned I'll take one of them out with my car someday.
That's why I usually venture inside, were I'll have table service with drink refills every 10 minutes and over eager employees taking away my tray before I've scooped up that last glob of ketchup with my remaining fry. I have to say, it's nice that they're attentive, but sometimes I go for fast food because I want to be left alone! I don't know - I'm hard to please I guess.
Anyway, there's no point to this story other than my rantings.

Handyman Connection: A fulfilling weekend of pain and dead things

2011-04-04T15:04:00.000-06:00

My time in the crawl space this weekend was a time to take deep breaths of asbestos, meditate on things I'd rather be doing, and practice hot yoga as I squatted in weird positions and twisted my body to access hard to reach pipes and vents. I also: practiced pain management as I snagged my arms on nails, tested my body's resilience to poison as I endured spider bites, and had the opportunity to use my anger management skills as I tried to reconnect a dryer vent. I opened my eyes to a whole new world of nature - leaves, twigs, lint, and other debris that was filling the dryer vent which I had to empty out before reattaching it. Sadly, I also had to witness the cycles of life on both ends of the spectrum, as I knocked down newly formed spiders nests filled with tiny eggs to cleaning up mice carcasses filled with maggots. Man, I'm lucky to have a life full of such amazing experiences.

If I were made of clay

2011-01-07T15:41:00.001-07:00

Yep, I've created myself as a clay figure, thanks to Hotels.com. You should go try it too.

I made my mouth extremely large because, if you don't know me, it is extremely large. I can fit the top of a pop can between my teeth. I'm still searching for a photograph to compare to this one so you can see that I'm serious.

Well, I guess that's about the extent of the excitement in my life right now.

Bye.

Dear Taco Bell

2010-12-28T13:06:00.001-07:00

Dear Taco Bell,
What happened today was a mistake. I knew I should have stopped earlier, but I just kept going. It's so hard for me, after all these years. I think I loved you once, but you've changed.

Over the past 10 years, you've hurt me many times and left me begging on my knees for the pain to stop. I knew I couldn't go on like that, so I made a decision to not come back to you. But after a while, I started wondering "what would it be like now." I thought maybe things had changed.

I heard about some new things you were working on and it sounded like you were doing well. The $5 box lured me in, only to find out you had stuffed it with things that would end up hurting me again.

I think it's best if we part ways and never cross paths again. I want to love you, but you insist on hurting me and bringing up what we just finished. My heart says yes, but my body says no. I have to trust my gut on this one and call it quits.

I'm ready for a new chapter in my life. I didn't want to tell you this, but I've been seeing Wendy lately. She just offers me things I can't get from you. Anyway, I'm sure you're not interested in hearing about that.

Tell Cinnamon Twist I said hi.

ejucatedguy

Other posts you might enjoy:
Dear Wendy's Sandwich Makers
Dear Makers of Tag Body Spray
Dear Friends

I saw your Facebook post

2010-12-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, I saw your cry for attention disguised as a Facebook post, I just chose not to comment.

Dear business man having an outdoor meeting

2010-09-21T12:02:00.000-06:00

Dear business man having an outdoor meeting,
Thanks for the entertainment this morning. When you started spreading your paperwork across the table outside on a windy day, I thought, "Surely he knows that's all going to blow away." But you looked so polished and professional, like you knew exactly what you were doing...well, that is until your paperwork started blowing everywhere throughout Manitou Springs. I'm not sure what sort of product you were pitching or proposal you were making, but I'm sure you left a killer impression with your clients as you ran around stomping on the pages of your pitch. I know I was impressed.
Thanks again,
Ejucatedguy

Some requests for the next time Wendy's makes my hamburger

2010-08-25T10:08:00.001-06:00

Dear Makers of Tag Body Spray

2010-08-19T14:45:00.000-06:00

King Sooper "Fuel Savings"

2010-08-16T15:15:00.006-06:00

The 4th of July is over so please shoot off your remaining fireworks

2010-07-14T16:37:00.001-06:00

Dear Neighbor,
I would like to request that you shoot off all your remaining fireworks tonight, as my patience is running thin. I'm glad that you've enjoyed the 4th of July holiday so much and I can't tell you how pleased I am with your patriotism. However, we're now well past the Independence Day celebration period.

I'm not sure if you're simply a pyromaniac or if you bought the family pack of fireworks at Sam's Club and you're just trying to get your money's worth, but it's time to fizzle out your wicks.

Typically, I fall asleep to music, a good book, or you and your wife screaming at each other (okay, that's not true. I don't read). But lately I've been lying in bed hearing loud pops, trying to determine if you've been shot by your wife or if you ignited another firework. After the "pop" I don't hear any cheering or celebratory laughter, so I can only assume that your wife hasn't shot you yet. This means you're in your yard, by yourself, putting on a pathetic and illegal firework show.

It's time to stop the pop. Gather all your fireworks and put on a grand finale tonight. I'll arrange for the fire department to stand by and you can get one of your buddies that you play poker with in your garage to video tape the whole thing and put it on YouTube. Then you'll have it for the entire year to enjoy at your own leisure.

Thanks for your understanding. Give me a call when you have a chance too - let's talk about how to get those Christmas lights taken down sometime before the end of summer.

Thanks,
Toby

Unemployment is filling my time

2010-07-02T14:18:00.000-06:00

Well, after 4 years, I decided that real estate was not my thing. I'm still keeping my license active so if I have clients wanting to buy or sell I can refer them to a great agent.
So, I really have no excuse for not blogging more - other than the fact that I'm keeping myself busy with other things. I'm still doing improv comedy with Stick Horses in Pants, writing articles for examiner.com as the Colorado Springs Breakfast examiner, and helping a friend promote her amazing artwork.
Anyway, keep watching for more blogs - I know you're all tired of seeing the Butt Face Towel blog:)

Home Fashions from Publishers Clearing House

2010-04-07T10:14:00.017-06:00

For those of you that have high self esteem, you can now purchase the Butt Face towel available from your friends at Publishers Clearing House. Yep, it's just a reminder every morning of the ridicule and harsh words your elementary classmates threw your way growing up. Order now and receive the Jack Ass wash rag set, plus the I'm A Huge Tool shower curtain. Your whole bathroom can gleam of insults and your morning routine in the bathroom will change the way you look at your day, and yourself!

Guaranteed to lower confidence, spur depression, and send you in a downward spiral, all before your morning cup of coffee!

Lather, Rinse, and Stop

2010-04-06T14:48:00.000-06:00

I don't know why I decided to read the directions on my Gillette shampoo in the shower this morning because I'm pretty familiar on how to wash my hair. But I'm glad they understand me:

DIRECTIONS: Lather, rinse, and get on with your day.

Seems a bit shady to me

2010-03-31T13:02:00.003-06:00

I was driving down Fillmore today when I spotted this. Does this seem a bit sketchy to anyone else?

2010-03-26T22:51:00.000-06:00

So I locked myself out of my house this morning. I love it when I do stuff like that - it makes me feel so smart. Although, I still had my phone with me so I was able to make lots of early morning calls which resulted in people's voicemail. Most of them promptly returned my calls a few hours later. Thankfully, I had just locked all my windows a day or two before, you know, for safety. I wouldn't want anyone crawling in the windows. I had also recently removed my hide-a-key, one of the world's best inventions when it's in place. So, I was stuck outside, with my coffee and my phone. Ideally, I should have been headed to my appointment across town that started in 15 minutes, but instead I had coffee on my front porch. It was fun to look through the back sliding door and watch my dog sit there and wag her tail. It was like she was saying, "Hey, don't you wish you would have taught me to unlock doors?" Yep.
It's such a helpless feeling. At one point, I thought about kicking down my front door like a swat team member, or perhaps breaking a window. But I resisted. After my cup of coffee, I realized I had given a key to a friend to watch my house a when I went to Disneyworld. I'm pretty sure he was looking for an excuse to leave work at 8am since he had been there so long already for the day.
Yep, there's really no point to this story. It's more of a long mental note to myself to remember to drop my keys into my pocket before I walk out the front door. Noted.

Vote NOW for Best of the Springs

2010-02-15T15:17:00.002-07:00

It's that time again - Gazette's annual Best Of The Springs where we all get to give our opinions on our favorite restaurants, shops, activities, bars and clubs, local artist, entertainment, comedians, etc, etc.
Make sure you submit a vote. It's a fun way to think through your favorite things about this great city of Colorado Springs and support local businesses with your votes.

Dear Wendy's Sandwich Makers

2010-02-09T22:02:00.002-07:00

Dear Wendy's sandwich makers,
I have a few requests for the next time you make my sandwich. Certainly, I'm no restaurant connoisseur, but there seem to be some common sense ideals I'd like to mention that perhaps you could consider.
First of all, please consider the fact that I don't eat my entire hamburger in one bite. I don't know what kind of training you go through or what burger-making formula you're taught your first day working at Wendy's. But let me give you a little insight: most people enjoy pickles with every bite of the burger, not just the very center bite where you stack all 5 pickles on top of each other.
Same goes for the glob of mustard. There's a reason it comes out of the container in a thin line. Try rotating your hand in a circular motion around the top of the hamburger. One giant squeeze, creating "Mustard Mountain" right in the center is not the preferred method. You can also practice this method with the ketchup and mayo!
Next, onions are obviously the cheapest ingredient since you so graciously pile 1/4 pound of onion on each burger. I thought it was supposed to be a quarter pound of meat? Perhaps there is some confusion and you should go back and reference your manual.
Also, keep in mind that when surveyed, most American's preferred red tomatoes, not hard green crunchy ones. I think I may have figured this one out. Your slogan on your website reads Quality is Our Recipe. I guess I need to request that recipe next time I come in; I didn't realize it was by request only. This is no fault of yours, as a sandwich maker, but maybe just consider it in the broad scheme of things.
Finally, when I unwrapped my burger tonight, I found most of these condiments smeared all over the sandwich wrapper and consequently all over the outside of the bun. I understand you're working for speed, but obviously that's not working out for you too well either. There's always a huge line when I come in to order and I end up waiting about 5 minutes per customer before I even make it to the counter.
Is any of this making sense to you? Do you eat your own sandwiches and actually experience these issues that countless customers are taking in stride every meal? Certainly, you don't claim to be "sandwich artists" and it's becoming more and more clear why.
One more thought - has your store ever considered getting more than one credit card terminal for all the cash registers, which gets tied up when you get a phone call or another customer chooses to pay with credit?
Just thought you might consider my suggestions.

Drunk Napping at McDonalds

2010-01-29T11:03:00.002-07:00

With the recent string of robberies at Subway and other sandwich shops, seems like McDonald's would be a good, safer option for families. Instead, in was the scene of another proud moment in a Colorado Springs parents' life. Colorado Springs Police found a man passed out in the play area at a local McDonald's while his kids were playing. When police showed up to arrest him, he kicked an officer in the face and then told the kids to "bite their [police] faces off".

Let's consider a few things:

First of all, who says to themselves, "I'm pretty drunk and need to pass out. I think I'll take the kids to Mc D's and cuddle up in the urine saturated ball pit."

Secondly, what kind of dental setup do these children have? Fangs? Who instructs their children to bite someone's face off?

Finally, who goes to McDonalds at all?

The incident ended when the man was tazed (hmmmm...sounds strangely similar to a recent Chuck E Cheese tazer incident) and taken into custody.

Gifts that will not be forgotten

2010-01-12T22:02:00.002-07:00

My Great Grandma Goodenough (God rest her soul) use to send me and my cousins boxes of random things growing up. I believe she intended them as gifts and perhaps even thought we might use the items. Sometimes these gift packs were for a specific holiday and sometimes we just got them out of the blue.
You see, my grandma was a garage sale shopper. She always liked to find a deal, even if it wasn't really a deal. I once went along with her to find these gems. That particular day, she bought some plastic figurines which she later super-glued to the dashboard of her 1978 Chevy Caprice. She also tried on some used lipstick at one of the garage sales, but decided it wasn't her color and put it back.
When I was in college, my entire dorm floor would gather around when I got a box from her because the contents were always so random. For instance, one Christmas, I got a white knit stocking cap (made for a child or perhaps even an infant - keep in mind, I was about 18 years old). The best part was after talking with my brother, who was 6'4" 260lb college football player, I found out he scored with the matching infant gloves in his box. Yeah, grandma never really had a good concept of the type of things we might actually enjoy or use, but she kept trying; and kept sending, again and again.
We got everything you can imagine from garage sales across Iowa, from dirty stuffed animals, to kitchen utensils, to food that was often in a questionable state by the time it arrived at our house.
Perhaps some of the best and most memorable gifts was a bright red sweatshirt with a giant screen printed teddy bear on the front. The teddy bear print had a great big smile, open arms, and was surrounded by pink and blue hearts. At the top, it said, "I need a hug." I would have been killed instantly if I would have worn it anywhere.
But I think my all-time favorite gift, which I regret now not holding onto for memory sake, was a baby-blue mesh hat, with the words carefully embroidered on the front, "My love belongs to my Daddy." As an added touch, my name was thoughtfully airbrushed above the words.
At times, we questioned her sanity and would try to visit her so she could see how old we actually were with the hope that it might sink in that she was sending us stuff we could never use. Unbelievably, despite her poor judgment on picking gifts out for us, she always remembered exactly what she sent each of the grandkids. Needless to say, it was always awkward when she asked me face-to-face how I liked the teddy bear sweatshirt, customized faux trucker hat, and kitchen accessories.

Funny, I don't remember that...

2010-01-06T23:54:00.001-07:00

If you've been reading my blog you know that I got a new puppy last September. She's a rescue dog, so I don't know exactly what the mix is, but definitely some lab. But that's not the point. You see, I keep finding black dog hair in weird places.
It's funny, because I don't remember telling her she could get on the couch...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember seeing her sit on the toilet seat..............but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember telling her to help herself to my Lucky Charms...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember her crawling through my miniblinds....but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember her changing my furnace filters....but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember her making me coffee in the morning...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember seeing her using my iPod headphones...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember watching her fold my laundry...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember noticing her crawl through all the heating vents...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember driving herself to the vet in my car...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember her putting on my Oakley's on a sunny day...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember her weighing herself on my scale...but there's hair there.
It's funny, because I don't remember the last time she used my laptop to get online...but there's hair there.
You get the point. I guess the good news is she's with me where ever I go.

I'm not always perfect

2009-12-31T10:23:00.003-07:00

Yep, I've taken a lot of grief from the improv group for this one. I don't know what I was thinking. I was trying to keep from cracking up on stage, then my voice cracked and that threw me a bit, then I just totally ruined the game.
The game is called "Airport Customs" and unfortunately this wasn't the first time I messed up. Just earlier that week in practice, I did something similar and everyone gave me a hard time. We joked about it, but I assured them I wouldn't do this on stage. Oops.

Blocks of wood make great gifts

2009-12-14T21:34:00.008-07:00

As I procrastinate on my Christmas shopping again this year, I remembered one of my all-time worst gifts which I so graciously gave to my only brother. Sorry Chad.

I think I was about 11 years old and I had this cool box car kit. It came with wheels, nails to put the wheels on, and a wood block. It sat in my drawer for a long time until I decided that I was going to put it to good use and make a really cool, homemade gift for my older brother, Chad. He is my only sibling, which is unfortunate, because he got lots of crappy gifts from me and had no other source for gifts except my parents.

So, I started on my project. I went out to the garage and started carefully shaving wood chunks off what was meant to be the front of the car. Thankfully, I had my trusty cub scout pocket knife to assist me, but after carving off the edges to create my masterpiece (a grueling 20 minutes or so) I realized it was going to be pretty hard work and it was going to take a while. I decided I needed a break and went inside for a glass of lemonade. Unfortunately, I never worked on it again and before I knew it Christmas had rolled around. So, I put the wheels on (but I did that wrong because they didn't actually turn) and wrapped it up (actually, I think I had my mom wrap it). I didn't paint it. I didn't draw cool logos on it. I just ... put the wheels on. It didn't even look like a car. It looked like a piece of wood that had been used as a door jam for a while ... and then someone ... put wheels on it. As you can expect, it wasn't his favorite Christmas. Sorry Chad.

Whiner Gone Missing

2009-12-03T16:39:00.005-07:00

So, I have to admit my dog (Kona) looks kind of funny. She was just spayed this week and the vet shaved her tummy and a patch on her left leg so they could do the surgery and give her an IV.
But I think they did more than a ovariohysterectomy....I don't know how they did it, but they took her "whiner" as well. Usually, she goes to the front door and whines when she needs to go out, but now she just sits there and make this weird breathy, air-pushing sound. Hmmm....maybe it'll come back.
They also told me she can't jump, run, use stairs, play, take a bath, swim, etc. Are you kidding me? What am I supposed to do - I mean, she's not too upset about the no bath rule, but everything else can only be accomplished if I tranquilize her (which apparently is how COPS control kids in Colorado now).

More creative than you think

2009-12-01T18:10:00.004-07:00

I'm not sure why, but when I was young (like, really young...4 or 5 years old), after finishing going to the bathroom, I would close the lid, turn around and sit backwards on the toilet. Then, I would flush it while pretending I was starting up a truck and driving away. The good news is I always remembered to flush so I guess my mom was happy with my little game. It's been years since I've done that....seriously. However, I still remember to flush. I think it's random creativity like this that led me to improv later in life.

"It's the worst thing you can think of"

2009-05-08T20:56:00.003-06:00

With mother's day approaching, I thought I would share some life lessons from mom.

When I was about 6 years old, my brother and I were playing football in the front yard and our annoying neighbor (Otis) came up to our house. He wanted to be included in the fun, but we really weren't interested in his company. After he asked a few times and we told him to go home, it was obvious he wasn't going to give up and we needed to take further action.

So, my brother being the smart one had me do the dirty work. My brother holds up his middle finger and tells me to go up to Otis, put it in his face and say, "Get off our property." Nice Chad. Me, being the young innocent non-tainted mind sibling had no idea what it meant but apparently it was a nice way to tell Otis to go home. So, I did it. Otis marched right past me through our yard, rang the doorbell and informed my mom of what I did. "Thank you, Otis" she replied...."Now go home" (she didn't really like him either). I knew by the tone of her voice when she called me inside that I probably shouldn't have listened to Chad's solution for getting Otis home. "Toby, we NEVER do that" my mom said. I was clueless and said, "Why not? What does it mean?" Instead of giving my six-year-old mind descriptive details, she just said, "It's the worst thing you can think of." WOW! I felt terrible and I'm sure the horrified look on my face communicated to my mother that I would never do that again, at least not until I was old enough to start driving.

A few weeks later, I was spending the night at a friends house in his tent in the backyard and we were telling dirty jokes and eating the white bread we snuck into the tent. (Yeah, white bread. Apparently that was the best we could come up with). Anyway, I decided to share my insight with my friend, Jonathan, so held up my middle finger and said, "Check this out....it means POOP!"

Sincere, but sincerely wrong

2009-05-04T21:30:00.002-06:00

When I was a kid, I loved to sing. It seems that the signing was more important to me than the words. I know this because I was often surprised when I learned the actual words to songs were not the lyrics I was signing. I think my favorite was:

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy
Down in my heart
Where?
Down in my heart.... Tuesday.

Yeah, Tuesday. I thought those were the words. If I'm breaking this hard news to you for the first time, it should be "to stay" as is permanently, not just one day of the week.

I also loved another song I sang in Sunday school. The real lyrics are:

Ho ho ho ho-san-na
Ha Ha Ha-le-lu-ah
He He He Save-d Me
And I've got the joy in the Lord

Apparently I thought this was a seasonal song, because I sang:

Ho Ho Ho Ho San-ta

I know what you're thinking. I'm amazed I've made it this far in life too.

You're a huge tool and everyone knows it

2009-01-06T16:29:00.004-07:00

You think you're so cool, walking along with your new Christmas clothes on and your sharp new haircut. You sniff up a confident stream of air through your nose which only makes you realize there's still a bit of that Christmas cold lingering in your sinuses. After a quick but moderately quiet snort, you feel the need to spit. But there are so many people watching you - it's hard to be so good looking. You keep your mouth shut waiting for the perfect opportunity to spit where few people will notice, perhaps a small shrub or street crossing. Finally, the moment is right - no one's looking and you let it go...but not quite. It's that damn stringy spit that won't break apart! How is this still attached to your face?!? You gave it a good effort but now it's blowing in the wind and you're awkwardly bent at the waist while continuing to walk, waiting for the 3 foot long strand to release from your bottom lip. Now, you're realizing you should have stopped walking much earlier as it has attached itself to your new Christmas sweater, yet it continues to cling to your chin. NOW people are looking, and it's not your haircut they're noticing. Mothers are pulling their children close with fear in their eyes and disgust in their faces, and even the homeless are shocked by your lack of control. You have to take action and you sacrifice the back of your hand to avoid further embarrassment. But word spreads immediately - don't shake his hand or give him a hug. You're practically a huge walking disease of filth and saliva. There are so many people laughing at you right now. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us.

If you enjoyed this, you may also want to read about drooling while you sleep.

Things I Miss From Childhood

2008-12-18T10:41:00.016-07:00

These are the things that made my childhood so cool:

MR BUBBLE

Heck with Rubber Ducky, Mr Bubble made bath time lots of fun for me. My mom would always measure a tiny capful, then when she left the bathroom we would add another few cups of Mr Bubble to the water. If you read up on Mr. Bubble, it was actually intended to encourage kids to take baths. Worked for me - I took a bath every Saturday night until I was 16 (This statement is for humorous purposes only. It is not intended to represent or classify actual time spent bathing).

SUPERMAN PAJAMAS & UNDEROOS
Oh yeah, these were very cool. I ran around in them all day, jumping from the 4th stair so my cape could flap in the wind a bit and I could feel the thrill of flying for 0.2 seconds. After a full day of super activities in my pj's, I would wear them to bed. I'm sure they had an awful stench.

BIG WHEELS

I'm not sure why these were so popular. I guess they were good for kids like me who didn't learn to ride a 2-wheel bike until later than most children. But the design of Big Wheels seemed a little sub-par. No matter how fast you pedaled, the flat tractionless plastic wheels just kept spinning. If you were riding along with your friends, there was no hope for talking to eachother because the plastic on pavement made so much noise, you had stop just to make sense of any conversation. Plus, the brakes on those...uummmm, I don't think they would have really served you well in a true emergency based on the fact you would still skid a good 5 feet after fully applying the brake pedal. Perhaps that most dangerous part of these cheap plastic contraptions was going down a hill where you could no longer move your legs fast enough to keep up with the pedals and you ended up whacking the hell out of your chins and feet. Way to go on introducing pain to children at an early age Mr. Big Wheel.

LAZER TAG

Very retro. Padded vest and dorky trucker hats with sensors provided hours of fun. They also used gobs of batteries and after a few stuntman dives across the floor, the guns didn't work so well.

ZOTS

There were two types of Zots. One, (Zotz) were an individually wrapped hard candy available at the local 7-11 that had a fizzy-center filling. The second type of zot was the typical boy invention - pieces of ordinary paper, folded up many times, then folded in half. Often times, we would put tape around them as well. Then, you wrap them around a rubber band and shoot them at each other like a sling shot. We had hours of zot wars in our basement growing up. My moms only requirement was that we wore goggles to protect our eyes. We also used our Lazer Tag vest to protect our core since the lazer tag set pretty much broke after the first few months we had it. We were huge dorks, but it was lots of fun. It was sort of a younger version of "Paint Ball" - we had many welts and red marks from some brutal zot shots.

Thanks for reflecting with me, and thanks to Stef N for the inspiration to write on Mr Bubble.

Year of The _________

2008-12-15T19:50:00.003-07:00

I try to date one girl per year. It just makes it easier when recalling past relationships so I can refer to my relationships as periods in my life. For instance, "Year of The Lisa." It's no coincidence that some of these periods of my life are names of horrific tropical storms.

As I prepare for the New Year, I've done some thinking. More than just the obvious thoughts that run through my head (like the fact that according to the Chinese calendar 2009 is the Year of The Ox which concerns me a little) but really contemplating. I think I just need to be really honest with women: I have NO money and I'm probably not going to age well. I've already reached my peak and it's all downhill from here. I've never been good at picking up on subtle hints so please just tell me what you're thinking. I will remember random things, but sometimes not the things you deem as "important" so cut me some slack....okay, maybe I should stop. I'm just reciting the actual conversations that ended each of the last few historic "periods" of my life.

A surprise in every meal!

2008-10-15T22:13:00.005-06:00

I'll admit - I eat out a lot. (Alone. But that's another story.) I think Sonic is one of my favorite places. Yeah. They don't even invite you inside. You're encouraged to stay in your car. Sure, they set up a few picnic tables outside, but they're the kind with the holes in them and you end up loosing lots of food through the table. Plus, if you spill your drink you're screwed. It immediately soaks your pants and you'll need an ample supply of napkins. But none of the car-hops are around when you need something. Sure, they've been over a dozen times to see if you want more ketchup packets or another peppermint, but good luck finding them when they mess up your order or you spill all over your pants because of their special recipe-for-disaster-picnic-tables. If you dare try to go inside and open the sacred "Sonic Door" all the employees yell out some sort of secret code word that basically means you shouldn't have walked into their kitchen. Also, few people know this, but Sonic DOES have bathrooms. They're kind of like gas station bathrooms; it's a scary door that looks like a janitor closet you can only access from outside the building. But my favorite thing about Sonic is that you get to sample a bit of everything when you go. Sure, they always ask if you want fries, tots, or onion rings but we all know it doesn't matter which one you order. After a couple of tots, you find a few fries mashed into your box, and if you're lucky, some onion ring pieces. I wonder what their thinking in that private little kitchen of theirs. I order tots for a reason, but I always get the "combo pack". The real reason I go to Sonic is the amazing music they blare over the loud speakers. And, I'll admit it, I'm just hoping one day to see a car hop bite it in the parking lot on their roller skates.

I'm chewing the ocean

2008-09-23T22:12:00.003-06:00

True Story: I was out with my (then) girlfriend to Black Eyed Pea for lunch. The waitress knew me, because I had given her a hard time in the past. At one point, I begged, "Please don't spit in my food" and from then forward, it was her joke everytime I came in. I would order chicken fried steak, green beans, and mashed potatoes and she would ask, "Would you like spit in that?" Yeah, I didn't think it was funny either. Anyway, this particular day, she asked the same question and I responded, "You know, I hope you really don't spit in my food or poison it every time I come here." Ha, ha, ha we had a good laugh, blah, blah, blah. Part of her daily pitch of specials included a Blackberry cobbler, made fresh for the lunch hour rush. We were there around 1pm for a late lunch, and I was surprised there was any left when I ordered some for dessert. So, back to the conversation with my girlfriend (she's married now, I kind of blew that one). We were having a fairly serious conversation and she was close to tears as I took my first bite of cobbler....there was something terribly wrong. It was, perhaps, the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth. I didn't want to cause a scene or interrupt the serious conversation, so I kept chewing, gagging, and finally swallowed what tasted like a huge bite of chunky ocean water. Finally, Sarah (the relationship I once had) noticed by the contortions in my face that something was wrong and paused the conversation to check in on me. Yeah, it was bad. I knew immediately - they made the cobbler with salt instead of sugar. Apparently, I was the 1st lucky customer of the day to test the awful mix of ingredients. I'm still not sure why I didn't just spit it out. So, we called the waitress over to inquire why she really went through with the threat of poisoning my food. She alerted the manager, who made the entire staff try the disgusting concoction and then they threw away all 6 pans of the wretched mix. Really, I can't ever have Blackberry cobbler again. Thanks Black Eyed Pea for a ruined relationship and bad food.

SPECIAL REQUEST: Stop

2008-09-18T16:33:00.003-06:00

To all companies, sales people, and other pointless ventures of advertising, consumer aquisition and retention, please note that I would rather not receive the following items from this point forward:
1) The stupid neighborhood/community newspaper that gets thrown at the end of my driveway and eventually rots into small scraps of newspaper that wash down the city streets.
2) All Facebook application requests.
3) DVD's from Columbia House that I have to return because I forgot to decline my selection of the month.
4) The coupon magazine that comes in my mailbox filled with mail-in cards for collectible figurines that fall out of the stack of mail before I make it inside.
5) The email notification from various people in Africa that I can work with confidentially to get the money I'm owed as a beneficiary to some large some of money.
6) The plastic swords in my drinks and toothpicks in my sandwiches. these are dangerous.
7) the extra screws that come with self-assemble furniture. I don't even use all the required pieces and I certainly don't need extra. as long as the furniture doesn't collapse, I'm okay with the standard supplies.
8) coupons for "buy one sandwich get one free". I'm single and I eat alone frequently. I don't really want another sandwich. I would rather get half price on the sandwich I just bought and not have someone remind me on a daily basis that I have no one else to share a second sandwich with.
9) the huge cotton ball in bottles of medication. I can get a whole bag of cotton balls for 99 cents at Wal-Mart. I don't need more.
10) the annoying phone call I get 2 minutes after arriving in my hotel room to make sure everything is okay. first of all, your phones are nasty and smell like perfume and body sweat. I prefer not to use them. Plus, I'm tired. If I felt like chatting, I would have had a cup of coffee with you at the front desk when I checked in.

Thank you for your consideration. My patience is running thin.

All the facts add up - I should be smarter

2008-06-07T14:15:00.005-06:00

I recently realized I had all the tools growing up that I needed to make me smarter, I just forgot to use them. I started off with a classic toy - the Speak and Spell. Although I could have learned how to spell words and hear sounds with it, instead I plugged in dirty words just to hear a computer say them back. Hilarious by the way - totally worth it. Then I decided it was time to downsize. Yeah, I had this pretty cool calculator watch starting at about 6th grade. It was larger than the back side of my wrist and I probably could have slid it up past my bicept on a cold day. It could do pretty much anything (at the time) but I'm not sure if I ever used the calculator function on it. No, instead I was busy making notes about how much money people owed me from when I let them borrow lunch money and filling up the phone book function with all my friends names and telephone numbers. I think this momentous piece of equipment was also responsible for launching my parttime career of unsuccessful pickup lines like, "My calculator watch has room for you." When I got bored, I would put other numbers in there too, like the library (even though I never went to the library - another missed opportunity for education). Anyway, fast forward another 7 years and I went to college. Another great opportunity to get smarter...but I was a communications major. I know, it just keeps getting worse. Finally, I worked at a publishing company for 5.5 years...but I didn't like reading. So, here I am - ready for smartness to occur. Maybe I'll make a point of using the technology and resources I have to assist in my smarter marathon. For instance, this past year I started playing the Wii instead of xbox. I think I get some points for that...or at least more excercise.

Best Theater Troupe Colorado Springs

2008-05-22T14:23:00.006-06:00

If you're local to Colorado Springs or you feel like taking a road trip, come see the Stick Horses in Pants v.s. the R.I.P on June 6 & 7th. These two local improv groups will go head-to-head, competing against each other to claim the title "Best Improv Group in Colorado Springs." Of course, the Stick Horses have already won the title "Best Theater Troupe" according to the Gazette newspaper "Best of Awards for 2008" but they're willing to let R.I.P get a little publicity as well. The shows start at 8:00pm each night, June 6th and June 7th. Similar to Comedy Sports or Who's Line is it Anyway, this show will be audience suggestion improv and an opportunity for you to laugh outloud and impress a date with a fun event. Please support the arts and improv in Colorado Springs by attending this event. Your support (and laughter) help us grow the arts and entertainment in Colorado Springs.

YOU'RE the one who ruined our friendship, I'M just deleting your picture

2008-04-01T17:37:00.006-06:00

It's that tough battle that many of us face today - we want more friends on Facebook and deleting a current friend seems preposterous (yeah, I totally had to look that word up on dictionary.com). But sometimes they leave you with no other choice. Here's a letter you're free to use if you find yourself in this awkward situation:

Dear _________ ,

Look, since we've never met each other this is going to be even more awkward. I'm not sure how you talked me into adding you as a friend. I've been very patient with you as you've added 3 new applications each day. I get so excited when I see that I have "5 Notifications" but when I open them, I see your sorry, poorly lit profile picture that you took of yourself in the mirror under the yellowish lights of the bathroom one Friday night as you stayed at home alone. Next to your picture, I'm immediately brought up-to-date on all the ridiculous new applications created for Facebook that day. Where do you find these? How many walls, pokes, races, and fights do I really need? I'm exhausted by the fact that you poke, pinch, throw, prod, tase, throw sharp objects, and exchange bunnies with me daily and ask me to return the "favor." And, no, you're still not my "Top Friend" because it would make my girlfriend angry.
Frankly, I don't care where you've been because I never intend to go anywhere with you. I don't care what kind of drink you order at Starbucks because I'm not going to bring you one, and I could care less if you've compared me as a worse kisser than your friend Timmy.
I'm sorry if this is abrupt, but I'm deleting you from my friends. You're the one who ruined our friendship, I'm just deleting your picture.

________________

2 Hour Ford Commercial

2008-02-17T22:14:00.007-07:00

Did anyone watch the 2 hour Ford commercial tonight on NBC? They called it "Knight Rider." I don't think I've seen product placement like this since....well, last week on Biggest Loser. Anyway, I have to say I have enjoyed some of the classic shows I grew up with coming back to primetime. For instance, American Gladiators. Let's face it - that's just good TV. Watching school teachers and average joe's getting pumbled by massive athlete's that have taken so many steriods their fingers alone are stronger than the average man. But Hulk Hogan as a host? I don't know about that. I think at 55 years old it's time to cut the blonde hair off and hang up the handkerchief from his head. But I guess it makes sense why he tries to look so tough and rugged - his real name is Terry Gene Bollea. Okay, so maybe it's not great TV but it's fun to mindlessly watch when you have nothing better to do.

I'm just curious what's next - what other TV shows from my childhood will be brought back? Maybe they'll bring back the cast of Different Strokes for an updated series (you know, the ones who aren't in prison). Gary Coleman's a definite possiblity - he's always looking for work. Plus he hasn't really aged in 25 years so he's got that going for him. And William Shatner...I bet he really misses hosting Rescue 911. Must be why he sold out to doing priceline.com commercials.

Ultimately, most of the shows should just stay locked in the vault. You know the ones I'm talking about: Hee-Haw, Golden Girls, Silver Spoons, Punky Brewster and most definitely Roseanne (yeah, I'm not even going to provide a link for this one). Actually, if we could just lock her in a vault just to cover our bases that might be good.

Stick Horses in Pants feature web video

2008-02-14T22:06:00.005-07:00

As many of you know, I'm a professional Colorado real estate agent during the day and local improv actor by night. My improv group, Stick Horses in Pants, continues to grow and expand in the Colorado Springs area. Recently, we were interviewed, photographed, and filmed by the Gazette Newspaper in Colorado Springs. They followed us to numerous performances and practices to understand the full scope of what we do....and to write a feature story about us which will be featured in the GO! Entertainment section of the newspaper on Friday, February 15th! We're excited to have the exposure to help us advertise our monthly improv shows, performed at Colorado Springs School's Louisa Performing Arts Theater. If you'd ever like to attend a show, we'd love to see you the 4th Saturday of every month. We're also available as entertainment for special occassions, humor for any size parties, company dinners and corporate events, or any group that would enjoy family-friendly comedy improv.

Please check out our video on Gazette.com and read the article published in the Gazette on 2/15/08 for a small sample of what we do and then come to a show and enjoy it as an audience member. You can even purchase your tickets for Stick Horses in Pants online!

Improv for all! Colorado Springs School Show coming JAN 26

2008-01-15T16:07:00.001-07:00

So, after hearing that our improv group (Stick Horses in Pants) wouldn't be performing again at the Broadmoor Hotel until Easter weekend, we decided to book some shows of our own. We have partnered with the Colorado Springs School and will perform 5 improv shows. Starting JAN 26th, we will be on the 4th Saturday of each month through April 2008. Here are the actual dates:

Saturday, JAN 26th, 7:00PM

Saturday, FEB 23rd, 7:00PM

Saturday, MAR 22nd, 7:00PM

Saturday, APR 26th, 7:00PM

Saturdat, MAY 24th, 7:00PM

Doors open at 6:40 and we will be charging admission of $8.00/person. Discounts are available for families and students of Colorado Springs School. This is family friendly entertainment, audience suggestion improv. We make it all up as we go, based on your suggestions! Often, the bigger the audience the better the show because of the energy and variety of creative suggestions. We're doing our best to provide some unique and inexpensive entertainment to the Colorado Springs community.

Join our Facebook Group (Watching Stick Horses in Pants Improv makes my cheeks hurt laughing...Group) for the latest updates and news on The Stick Horses in Pants.

Please come join us and support us! Put the dates on your calendar now - we're excited to see you there!

Thinking back, TV shows saved my life

2008-01-02T11:08:00.000-07:00

We're so funny as kids - we create the weirdest games with our siblings and friends, and somehow they are fun and become tradition. In fact, many times the rules are "unspoken" but you just KNOW what you can and can't do.
For instance, when my brother and I would watch TV growing up, we played a little game. It doesn't have a name, so we'll call it "Beat to Death in 2.5 Minutes." Basically, whenever we were watching TV together, at the start of any commercial break we would start wrestling. It could be dangerous, because if you didn't "see the commercial coming," you would suddenly receive a blow to the head, tackle from behind, or a shoe flying through the air in your direction. We would absolutely ravage each other for the 2.5 minute commercial break, but as soon as the show started you had to stop whatever you were doing. This factor often saved my life as my brother was crushing me under his 200 pound body while he laughed as he made me punch myself with my own hands (I hated that one - I could never figure out how to stop it when he grabbed me by the wrist and made me punch my own face). Thankfully, as soon as GI Joe, Ducktales, or C.H.i.P.S came back on my life was suddenly extended for another good 15 minutes. Sometimes it amazes me I made it through childhood. Oh, yeah...sorry if you didn't know this, mom. This is how the wall got punctured in the kitchen. My head got crushed between Chad's massive body and the drywall.

Tax season makes me wish someone would be my personal assistant....for free.

2008-01-01T17:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I have to say I'm glad the Christmas season is over....and actually, I'm glad 2007 is over too. It was a rough year for various reasons. One, it was absolutely my worst driving year ever with numerous accidents, fender benders, towing bills, speeding tickets, and car scratches.
So, welcome to 2008. I still need to sit down and write out some specific goals, but one will be to keep in better touch with people, both business contacts and personal relationships. I go through phases with my friends and acquaintances where I'm really bad at contacting and staying in touch with them.
Another goal will be better organization. Already, on the first day of the New Year, I start thinking about tax season. Yep, I've got 3.5 months to get my hundreds of receipts and expenses organized so I can write them off and figure out how much money I lost this year. The good news is I know where most of my receipts are: the glove box in my car, a shoe box in my room, spread across my desk at home, in a blue folder at work, and scattered through my briefcase. It shouldn't be hard....crap, yeah it will.

Ending Christmas with a bang

2007-12-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it was a pretty good Christmas for the most part. My parents surprised me with a new Wii system, which wasn't expected at all. So, my arms are sore from playing tennis, bowling, baseball, boxing, etc. I know...pathetic.
Unfortunately, I wrapped up my Christmas with a bang...literally. I backed into a car in the street when I was leaving my parents house Christmas night. I'm not really sure what I was doing or how it happened, but I busted out the headlight cover of the other car and now she's going to make an insurance claim. Nice. I offered to pay her the $100 it's going to be to replace it, but she wants to file a claim. Whatever. I should've just driven away and not told her.
Anyway, this has been absolutely my worst year of driving ever. I got my first speeding ticket about 2 months ago, this Christmas accident, and some other minor fender benders I would rather not discuss because it will just make me bitter. However, I will mention that one included the whole front part of my Mazda 6 coming off and I was driving around town with it in the back of my car for a few weeks. See my former blog if you'd like the details.
Hope your Christmas was full of happier surprises than mine.

ding fries are done

2007-11-30T16:44:00.001-07:00

A little cheery Christmas song for you.

Wanna Treat?!? It's still warm...

2007-10-29T17:54:00.000-06:00

I just spent the last 8 days dogsitting my parents two dogs. I don't know why I don't have a dog...oh..wait...I remember. Because I don't enjoy picking up steaming hot dog poop with my hand wrapped around Tuesday's blue newspaper bag. Notice, I didn't say Sunday's bag. That's because the Sunday paper is stuffed with ads and that Parade Magazine that no one reads. All that extra weight usually results in the paper hitting the porch a little harder at 4AM on Sunday morning when the unemployed Intel worker delivers my paper. The force of his anger and the extra weight of the paper usually rips a hole in the corner of the Sunday bag and that makes for poor protection of my hands 30 seconds after the dogs have pinched off a fresh one in the neighbors yard. Although, even after a short week of this delightful duty, I started learning other tricks to save time and the feeling of repulsiveness of picking up Pedigree biproducts. For instance, if you carry a bag along with you while you walk the dogs and throw some rocks in it, then bend down and grab a handful of grass directly next to the target, the neighbors think you're cleaning it up. Also, I was a little confused what to do with the bags full of poop? Is it okay to just throw those away in the Bestway dumpster? I hope so. Sorry Bestway...oh, and sorry to the neighbors who's yard I left poop in and just pulled some of their grass out.

What's under YOUR bed?

2007-10-18T16:47:00.001-06:00

Have you ever stayed at "one of those" hotels? Last weekend, I went up to Denver for 2 events. First, there was the Great American Beer Festival on Thursday night and then the Denver Improv Festival on Friday and Saturday. I decided that I didn't really care to fight Denver traffic both morning and night, so I got a hotel room. If you don't know me, let me tell you that I'm not exactly a "planner". So, 2 days before I went to Denver, I started buying my tickets for the fesitvals and checking on hotels. Unfortunately, there were a lot of major events going on in the city that weekend and rooms were hard to find. However, I thought I had found the deal that everyone else had somehow overlooked. A hotel room for $40 per night! What a steal - man, am I lucky. I don't know how everyone else passed this up! It was just on the other side of the bridge from downtown on Speer at the highly-exclusive Knights Inn. Well, I quickly figured out why there was still vacancy. It was a small, cinder block building painted a beautiful dirt-cream color, with a spacious courtyard in the center. The rooms were still decorated for this century, with Goodwill quality couches and hammock style beds (meaning you roll to the middle no matter where you lay on the bed). There was no alarm clock, or clock at all for that matter, so you can just relax in your flea-bag room and not worry about the time. Although, relaxing on the bed was hard since there was a glass sliding door just inches from the bed that exited to the ground level courtyard where you could buy any variety of the latest street drugs. Now let's venture back to the bathroom. The yellow-tinted lights made it difficult to see if the tile was actually yellow too, but there was just enough light to verify a large brown stain on the cheap white towels. Mmmmm. Although the water initially spurted out dark brown, it quickly turned an off-yellow color, probably safe for brushing your teeth...I think. Let's go back out to the main room and relax......OHHHH...WHAT'S THAT SMELL? Yeah, it was late Thursday night when I caught a whif of a very bad odor...like baby poop. My first thought jumped back to an episode of Myth Busters where an unsuspecting couple found a dead body decomposing under their bed. So, I looked behind the olive green couch - no, not there - then under the bed. AHA! A half-eaten english muffin (which is funny since the hotel didn't provide breakfast) and a baby sippy cup further under the bed. Okay. Let's head back to the bathroom, puke a little, and then get a trash bag. I stuck my hand inside, wrapped it around my arm, layed on the bed and reached WAY under to grab the clear sippy cup. I had definitely found the source of the stench. Apparently, Junior wasn't very hungry and tossed his breakfast under the bed a few months ago. The sippy cup had a large, white,rock-hard piece of chunky milk in it. Back to the bathroom to vomit a little more, and then out to the dump with my check-in surprise. Thank you Knights in for two lovely nights in Denver - for only $89.99 with tax!

Nothing like decomposing carcass to wake you up in the morning

2007-10-02T23:02:00.000-06:00

Yep, these are the true stories of my daily life. Here's a fun one:
I woke up early this morning for a 7:30 breakfast meeting. I'm not a morning person in general...okay, at all...so mornings aren't exactly my time to shine. After getting ready and preparing to prep myself for the day, I decided it may be a good idea to brush the sticky film that had attached itself to my teeth in my sleep (you're welcome for the visual). I pasted up and stuck the toothbrush in my mouth and immediately smelled a distinct, foul odor. At first, I thought it was my hand perhaps dying from a rare disease while still attached to my body. After sniffing my fingers like Mary Catherine Gallagher, I realized the noxious odor was coming from the handle of my toothbrush. So I pulled out my roommates toothbrush from the toothbrush-cup holder and found the same unpleasant smell. (I know you're getting bored with the story, but hang in there). I took off the top and looked in the bottom of the cup to find a dead bug, decomposing in my toothbrush holder. The smell was....well, overwhelming and I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Let's look at the science of this real life experience. Wikipedia defines decomposition as:

The body of a living organism begins to decompose (as part of a succession) shortly after death. Such decomposition can be simplified in two stages: In the first stage, it is limited to the production of vapors. In the second stage, liquid materials form and the flesh or plant matter begins to decompose. The science which studies such decomposition generally is called taphonomy.

Yummy. Thankfully, my small dead friend was in the first stage and after some heavy doses of scalding hot water on all our toothbrush accessories, I think I've corrected the problem. I have to say, it wasn't the "grand start of the day" I was hoping for. This is my life...seriously.

Improv Workshop - coming soon

2007-09-25T20:34:00.001-06:00

Stick Horses in Pants will be offering three improv workshops at the Inspire Conference Oct. 5 and 6
http://www.inspire-conference.org

If you want to give improv a try in a fun, low-stress environment, this is your chance!

The conference is a great value, offering a packed schedule of acting, dance and performance art classes. Plus, Stick Horses will be giving an exclusive show on Friday night.

Check it out! We'd love to see you there.

Stick Horses in Pants

Treo 700pos

2007-09-23T12:50:00.000-06:00

I always thought the "p" in Treo 700p stood for "Palm", but I'm pretty sure it stands for POS. I specifically didn't get the 700w (the Windows based version) because I didn't want my phone crashing all the time. Yeah...I really side-stepped that landmine.

Anyone else have one of these? Apparently, it's a phone but I wouldn't know because it doesn't ring. People call and it just goes straight to voicemail. It also likes to shut down randomly and reset itself. But I know it's working when I talk on it, because it heats up like a hot piece of bacon fresh off the frying pan. If I talk too long, I can barely stand to hold it in my hand and against my face. That's right - that redness isn't a sunburn on the right side of my face, it's my phone slowly frying my skin. I also have problems with the voice quality - people on the other end always say, "It sounds like you're in a tunnel!" Many of my friends believe I'm homeless because of this. It's affecting my life.

I've called customer support many times within the year that I've had this phone. Each time, of course, I get a different person (usually from India) and they all tell me something different. One guy told me, "Yeah, you just have to pop off the battery and shut down the phone every night. That should fix it." Oooohhh, of course! Thanks! Everytime I talk to customer service, I realize it's a useless conversation.

Maybe I'll switch back to the old "brick phones" that we used to have in the 80's. Remember those? They were huge - bigger than a normal house phone, but at least they were 10 pounds of reliability. As for my Treo, it works 60% of the time - everytime.

So, I'm just curious if everyone else has had similar experiences with this phone - and I'm curious to know what phone you use that has email capabilities as this one does but doesn't make you regret spending $500 everytime you get a call.....or a new voicemail.

You're not really helping me

2007-09-20T20:29:00.000-06:00

It's a funny thing-for some reason, as Colorado drivers, we don't have to parallel park to pass our driving test. Even so, I failed my driving test the first time I tried, but I'm proud to say I still have a clean driving record. Anyway, I learned to parallel park by....well, trying. It's very embarrassing, because I'm still not very good and I take lots of heat from friends . My lack of parking skills were fully demonstrated one evening in Manitou Springs, CO. Manitou is a small, touristy town at the foot of the mountains. It's also the witchcraft capitol of the USA, but that's not important right now and I'm not going to cite my source because I don't have one. Trust me. I'm Toby. Anyway, back to the parking problem. I was meeting my family for a nice dinner at the Mona Lisa fondue restaurant in historic (or satanic, however you want to look at it) Manitou Springs. The only available parking space was on the main street, cleverly named "Manitou Avenue". Good work with the creativity numb nuts.....ANYWAY, I pulled up to the parking space and after a 30-point manuever, I noticed there happened to be a man walking down the sidewalk next to my car. I immediately realized the opportunity for a little assistance with my parking skills and asked him to direct me. He agreed and started directing me back so I wouldn't hit the car behind me....(remember that part - it's key and a bit foreshadowing). Keep in mind (this is no excuse but certainly a critical factor) I was driving my extended cab 8-foot bed, Dodge Ram 1500 Quad Cab pick up. So, he kept directly me backward saying, "keep coming...you're fine...no problem...you've got it...I'm a huge liar....step on the gas...blah, blah, blah...BOOOOOOMMM >>>>> "what the heck?" My truck jolted and the car behind me moved down the street a bit...As soon as I realized I had hit the car behind me, he jovially blurted out in a I'm-dumber-than-a-stack-of-bricks voice, "TOO FAR!" He even laughed a little at the end...(it was very spiteful)...and then he kept walking while he shook his head like, "What a moron". YOU'RE THE MORON MY FRIEND...NO, NOT MY FRIEND....JUST MORON!! Obviously, I had no choice but to find another parking space so the car with minimal damage wouldn't know it was me.

Dear Friends,

2007-07-23T22:44:00.000-06:00

I wanted to let you all know about a significant life change that may be coming very soon for me. I've been in fairly constant contact with a nation-wide company called Publisher's Clearing House that is offering something fairly substantial. I certainly don't want to get my hopes up and I hesitate even telling you, my trusted friends, about this possible opportunity.
Anyway, I'll try to keep this short, but here's the scoop:
It all started last February when I got a letter in the mail. At first, it seemed like the kind of letter that would be mailed to lots of people and I didn't think much of it. They asked me to do a few things and respond in a timely manner, which I did. As our correspondence continued, I realized that they really cared about me. They started personalizing my packages with sticky notes and personal letters from the president of the company. I realized that this was serious and I couldn't give up on the efforts I had already put forward. I admit, it has cost me a lot in postage, but in the end, that won't matter. I'm pretty sure it's between me and one other person here in Colorado Springs, but my household has been chosen several times and the probable winner. Thankfully, I kept sending the correspondence back - it sounds like a lot of people forgot to send back their packets and they only have themselves to blame.
Again, I don't want to get too excited yet, but it looks like I may have already won 10 million dollars. You may see me on T.V. - I'm going to try my best to act surprised, but it's kind of a done deal at this point.
Please know that I won't forget ANY of you...you're all special to me!

Sincerely,

Toby L Lorenc

COPS: Special Edition-Chuck E Cheese

2007-06-04T22:27:00.000-06:00

Grab your cupcakes and pizza kids - there was a new LIVE show at Chuck E Cheese in Aurora, CO the other night. No, it wasn't the usual squeaky mechanical animals performing on stage last Sunday afternoon that caught customers attention, it was the man being tasered at the salad bar! Police were called to the Chuck E Cheese in the suburb of Denver when 29 year-old Danon Gale couldn't prove to a manager that he had paid for the trip to the salad bar after loading his plate like a hungry soldier. But he wasn't the only soldier there that night - the police showed up to take care of this serious situation. "All units - CODE 3 to the Chuck E Cheese salad bar" crackled over the police radio. When officers showed up, the stories start conflicting about what actually happened (you know, who pushed who first). But it all ended with the salad bandit getting tasered twice by the police, in front of his 3 and 7 year old kids as well as a full house of other children and families. Chuck E Cheese managers said, "When the police began tasering him, he really had some great moves and we're thinking about incorporating them into our live dance shows so kids can watch it again and again." Okay, they didn't really say that. In fact, they've hired an attorney and refused to comment. Maybe it's time to pick a new place for family entertainment.

Check out the full story of the salad bar tasering.

Jobs we never admit to

2007-06-04T21:14:00.000-06:00

Thinking back on all the jobs I've had, I start to wonder: What was I thinking? As you know if you've read my blog, I was Chuck E Cheese for a while. I remember actually thinking as I applied how cool it would be to wear around that huge rat costume. Truth be told, it was terrible. It was so hot - you're covered by layers of padded fur and you have to dance every hour. The mini fan in the head of Chuck E doesn't come close to cooling you down. I used to sweat so much, my glasses would slide off my face inside the Chuck E head. Plus, you've got kids pulling a tugging on you wanting constant attention. I think parents who don't give thier kids enough attention take them to Chuck E Cheese. That way, they can get hugs and have someone hold thier hand as they walk around, while mom and dad sit at the table drinking cheap beer and even worse wine. I guess those help wash down the awful pizza and make parents forget they don't give their kids enough attention. Then kids can win cheesy prizes for playing games and collecting tickets. I don't know what the attraction is, but I'll admit I loved going there as a kid too. But working there was a whole different story. What was I thinking?

Drooling while you sleep can be socially awkward

2007-04-14T14:57:00.000-06:00

When I was in high school, I went to a white water rafting camp in Oregon. Basically, it was a week long and we went white water rafting every other day. It was perhaps one of the greatest weeks of my life and full of memories. One memory in particular was not so good. After a long day of rafting, I was headed home on the short bus with the other kids from my raft group. The girl next to me was obviously exhausted from the day and fell asleep almost as soon as we sat down. I didn't know her at all - never met her, never seen her, except for that day and even that day I never actually talked to her. So, about 10 minutes into the ride her head falls onto my shoulder. Let's be honest - she was really not all that attractive so it was one of those awkward moments - I didn't want to wake her up and embarrass her, but I also really didn't want her snoozing on my shoulder. But, being the nice guy I was, I didn't wake her up. A few minutes later, the bus started heading down a hill and her body wasn't prepared for the transition. The next thing I knew her whole body flopped over and her head was in my lap. As her face slapped against the back of my hand in my lap, she immediately woke up, sat straight up and looked at me with this horrified expression, then laid her head against the bus window and went back to sleep. The whole thing happened so fast, I was still trying to piece it together when I noticed the entire back-side of my hand covered in a pool of warm drool. This wasn't just a droplet, we're talking a full, chipmunk-size-storage mouthful. So, I grabbed her shirt that was sitting on the seat next to her and soaked it up - what! I wasn't going to wipe it on my clothes! I don't think she ever fully knew what happened...it's probably better that way.

Some personal notes from me to phobics

2007-04-01T18:00:00.000-06:00

Phobophobia: Fear of phobias
I would advise that you don't continue reading.

Prosophobia: Fear of progress
Two down, 12 to go. Good work!

Sophophobia: Fear of learning
Keep reading - there's lots of good information here.

Agateophobia: Fear of insanity
Is it just me or does that seem like a cyclical problem? If you're always afraid that you may be insane....doesn't that make you insane?

Apeirophobia: Fear of infinity
Sorry apeirophobics, this will always be a fear for humans. ALWAYS.

Arithmophobia: Fear of numbers
My #1 favorite, but #6 on the list.

Athazagoraphobia: Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting
These people don't really exist.

Catagelophobia: Fear of being ridiculed
These people are morons.

Cenophobia (or Centophobia): Fear of new things or ideas
I bet you don't even know what your phobia is called.

Cyberphobia: Fear of computers or working on a computer
STOP READING NOW

Decidophobia: Fear of making decisions
Please take my survey in the sidebar.

Hamartophobia: Fear of sinning
Too late. Sinner.

Xyrophobia: Fear of razors
I'm sure you have a lovely beard.

specific phobias

Shameless Self Promotion

2007-03-26T23:03:00.001-06:00

Looking for something to do on a Friday night in Colorado Springs? Good news - The Stick Horses in Pants are doing a FREE improv comedy show at the Broadmoor Hotel Theater on April 6th at 8:00PM (yes, that is Good Friday). We take pride in keeping our shows "clean" and family friendly so anyone can attend. There is no cost for the show so bring a date and we'll let you both in free. This is audience suggestion, improvisational comedy. Not rehearsed, not scripted. If you like the TV show Who's Line Is It Anyway, you'll love our show.
I want you to be there....no excuses. If you haven't started your taxes yet, one more night isn't going to hurt.

Looking forward to seeing you there. Contact me if you have questions or need more details.

Tossing the salad

2007-03-22T01:00:00.000-06:00

Well, as some of you know, I used to work at Chuck E Cheese pizza. Although I was only there for 5 months, I gained many stories and life lessons from that awful place....most aren't worth telling, but here's a good one.
When I wasn't "in Chuck E Cheese" as we say in the industry (i.e. dressed up in the costume getting punched by children) I was a host. Basically, I was a personal slave to grouchy parents for 1.5 hours at a time. They would book their special birthday party for Jimmy and invite all his little friends and I would set up the birthday table and serve them greasy pizza and cheap sheet cake. One Friday night was particularly busy with a full dining room of parties so I was rushing around trying to keep up. As I headed pass the salad bar back to the kitchen I had no idea what I was about to walk into. Someone had diligently mopped the tile floor after a major soda spill created by one of the little pipsqueaks but failed to put up that annoying bright yellow sign that says "Caution: Wet Floor" in Spanish. Feeling rushed from the madhouse of customers, I was walking briskly back to the kitchen when I took one step on the wet tile and...well, let's just say my back hit the floor before you could say "advierta el suelo mojado". However, in that brief second in mid-air I managed to reach out towards the salad bar to try and catch myself. Try is the keyword there. Instead of breaking my fall, I managed to wrap one finger around the crouton dish, one finger around the sunflower seed bowl, and one on the bacon bits....you know, those ugly maroon unbreakable dishes they use on salad bars? I'm not sure how it happened, but all the salad toppings beat me to the floor and I landed in all of them. If it wasn't obviously enough that I had fallen, the three unbreakable dishes bounced around on the floor like a set of drums, drawing even more attention to the guy laying in salad toppings. "Attention all employees. Clean up on aisle one, salad bar. Stat."

And you thought I was dead....

2007-03-13T21:47:00.000-06:00

Wow, I just remembered that I have a blog. It's been almost 3 months since I've blogged. I guess I didn't really feel like I had much to say, but lots has happened.
First of all, my car is now repaired and in working order which is a good thing because work (real estate) has been crazy the last couple of weeks. Been showing lots of people around, looking at houses and eventually I'll buy one for myself too.
I sold my first house at the end of January but nothing since. So, that leaves me with one paycheck in the last 8 months. Nice. I think I'll set up a charity fund at a local bank that any of you can donate to if you wish.
Let's see....what else....the milk I bought when I posted my last blog has now gone bad, I've aged 3 months, and I have some new friends thanks to MySpace....okay, they're not really friends.
I still have a limited amount of hair, but it's still by choice. Check out my pic and new website, www.buywithtoby.com.
I've listed my first house as well - please buy it.
If you're missing your dose of "Toby Humor" come see me with The Stick Horses in Pants at our next improv show, April 6th at the Broadmoor Hotel. Yes, that's Good Friday. Show starts at 8pm in the Theater.
Also, check out some of our YouTube Videos:

World's Worst DTR
The Stick Horses At Play
Is it a Date or Not?

Well, that's about it. Keep checking back - I might actually start doing this regularly again.

Optical illusion? No, just a bad day.

2006-12-26T16:40:00.000-07:00

It looks like the front end of a car in the back seat! How is this possible? Optical illusion?
No, just a bad day.
You see, Colorado was hit with a bad snow storm last week and I was one of the many unfortunate people to get stuck in this mess. Interstates and highways were closed, Denver International Airport was shut down, and even the post office was closed for 2 days right before Christmas (rain, snow, sleet, or hail....but apparently not blizzards). For some reason, I decided to go to work (actually, it's still my hobby) and as I pulled into the parking lot of my company my car got stuck in the snow. As I tried to get unstuck, I was throwing the car into reverse and heard an unfortunate noise. That was my front bumper snapping off. Apparently, the underneath side of my bumper cover was serving as a large snow shovel under my car, scooping snow until it couldn't handle any more. I was trying to dig my car out for almost 2 hours and of course, I didn't have a shovel with me, so I was down on my knees reaching under the car, trying to pull the snow out with my hands. Now, I'm left with frost-bite on my knee caps and a rather strange looking car and a bill for over $1,000 for repairs. Donations are always welcome.
Ideally, you should have a Winter Car Kit during this time of year in case this happens to you too. This includes everything from a shovel, to a bag of kitty litter in case you can't go (that's for traction under your tires - it has nothing to do with relieving yourself). Maybe I'll take my own advice and put all the stuff in my car someday.
Anyway, I think it's time to move to Phoenix where I don't have to deal with Colorado snow storms.

Consider Yourself Warned

2006-12-10T14:31:00.003-07:00

Click here to watch this blog as a video
Dear makers of TAG body spray,
I recently saw one of your commercials and was more than excited to try your new body spray. I was only imagining what could happen the minute I sprayed myself with your product - my mind was filled with images of large groups of girls attacking me instantly. Unfortunately, this hasn't been my experience.
When you said, "Consider Yourself Warned", I guess I thought this was a good thing. The first day I used TAG, I was overcome by a cloud of aerosol gas that I couldn't help but inhale in the close-quarters of my bathroom. My eyes began burning and when I exhaled, it was like I had been smoking TAG hookah. After escaping the formidable cloud myself, I wasn't coherent enough to think about warning my roommate. Before I knew it, he had entered the bathroom and was quickly suffering the effects of my little black bottle. Thankfully, we're both alright.
I've also noticed that the smell is slightly overpowering at first, and then it begins to turn sour throughout the day. The first day I went out after trying tag, I noticed women suddenly covering their mouths as I walked by. At first, I thought they were just laughing because I was suckered into believing they would be attracted to me, but then I realized they were throwing up in their mouths just a little. Indeed, the various scents don't seem to be as appealing to women as you promised in your commercials.
Thankfully, I won't need a refund on the $5 per bottle I paid for this product. I've found that it kills bees and wasps immediately with a quick shot, or I can empty a whole can into my house before leaving for vacation and it acts as a bug bomb, killing everything inside!

THANKS TAG!

T. L. Lorenc

A Thought for the Day

2006-11-28T21:05:00.000-07:00

"Breaking promises makes you a liar, but liars aren't always promise breakers unless they make a promise not to lie, then break the promise by lying. Now they've lied about the fact that they lie, and breaking the promise isn't the issue - they're just a liar."
-T. L. Lorenc

It's getting harder and harder to breathe

2006-11-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been a while since I've blogged and I apologize to all those who enjoy living life vicariously through my blogs. I guess I'm so busy with my "hobby" right now that I just haven't found the time....if you don't know, my "hobby" is real estate. I can't really call it a job at this point because I haven't made any money, and as my good friend Delbert pointed out, if I'm just doing it and not making money, it's a "hobby". Thanks for the insight Delbert. It really helps me cope with the fact I haven't had a paycheck in 4 months. I guess it could also be considered unvoluntary volunteer work. Plus, I've been putting in a lot of overtime, but of course, that's not paid time either. Thursday was a good day - I worked from home. I figured if I'm not making any money, I can do that from home. It hasn't helped that this last week I've been sick with a cold. I realized something very important this morning - you can't use mouthwash when you have a cold. I nearly drowned as I tried my best to get the full effect of swishing the sugary green juice in my mouth, yet still breath through my stuffed up nose. Finally, when I was about to faint from lack of oxygen, I decided it was a good time to spit.What can I say - I'm here to help: you've been warned. It's also difficult to sleep with a cold. Breathing only through my mouth, I managed to inhale fuzzies from my blanket all night and woke myself up snoring and choking on fuzz balls. Yeah, it's been a fun week.

It's ABOUT time...

2006-10-23T23:10:00.000-06:00

Well, apparently I don't have any felonies on my record. My real estate background check finally came back along with my license! I'm finally official. Yes, my 3-month vacation from working is over. Now, I have to really get started and work like most normal people. I'll be working with Brian Slivka at ReMax Properties, Inc. the #1 selling real estate firm in Colorado Springs. We have 5 offices and almost 300 employees, so there's a great training program and good reputation behind me. So, now it's your turn - I really need you to keep me in mind if you're looking to buy or sell a house, or if you know someone who is....or if you're like Ruth, and want to relocate to Colorado Springs (we'll talk Ruth...trust me.)

So, here's my info:

Toby Lorenc
PeakDream.com
RE/MAX Properties, Inc.
216 N. Tejon St
Colorado Springs, CO 80903
(719) 332-4816 cell
(719) 635-SOLD main

Yes, welcome to the "world of working people" Toby.

Well, thanks for asking what else is going on...I've joined a Colorado Springs improv group (The Stick Horses in Pants) to make people laugh when I'm not working. It's been fun so far but I've only been in a few shows. I'll let you know when the next show is so you can come heckle me.

I learned to do it in a minivan

2006-10-03T11:46:00.000-06:00

As I'm sure you can tell from the title, we're talking about driving. I had some problems when I first started driving: the road test. It was the day of my 16th birthday - I couldn't wait to get my license so I could go home that night to my birthday party and drive all my friends around (I was one of the oldest in my class, so not many others could drive at that point). So, I'm driving around with Stan from the DMV. Stan normally wouldn't be someone I would pick as a friend. He's a bit anal and seems to enjoy the control and power he has as a proud staff member of DMV. He had the personality of a chemist mixed with dedication to the DMV of a drill sergeant. Anyway, I think I'm doing really well - going the speed limit, checking my mirrors, hands at 10 & 2 - you know the drill. As we pulled into the parking lot at the end of my test, I start getting out of the car and he says, "Hold on, Toby. Let's talk about today." At first, I thought he was going to comment on the plush interior and smooth handling of my parents minivan that I used for this joyous occasion. But instead, he said, "You're not safe to have on the roads." That's not what you long to hear from your driving instructor, Sergeant Stan. Apparently, I hadn't actually stopped for any of the stop signs - or at least a "complete stop". In fact, at the only one I came to a full stop I stopped on the crosswalk and forced a pedestrian to walk into the intersection to cross. That's frowned upon. Anyway, after our brief conversation and valuable life lessons from Sgt. Stan, I went home without a license. I handled it like any mature 16-year-old - cried myself a river and prayed that my friends would still think I was cool. I tried to laugh about it with my friends that night, but it pretty much sucked. Happy freakin birthday. The sad thing is, years later, I went back and failed the written part of my motorcycle test 3 times before getting my license. Ironically, after all that, I have a clean driving record.

Second time's a charm

2006-09-18T23:32:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite hobbies in high school was perfecting the art of TP'ing others houses. I had a friend who was constantly dating various girls, but most importantly, constantly breaking up with them. They made the perfect targets to practice our skills. One night, we were TP'ing one of his exgirlfriends house. When you're buying "supplies" at the store, the clerk has a pretty good idea of where you're headed. You're wearing all black, and purchasing 2 very cheap 24 packs of toilet paper - you're not fooling anyone. Anyway, we were so excited, we went too early - we should have waited until early in the morning. Instead, it was about midnight and when we were almost finished, a car started coming up the street. We both laid down in the grass waiting for the car to pass. Instead, it began to slow down and pulled into the driveway - it was her dad!! At one point, his headlights lit up my face like a jack-o-lantern, but somehow he didn't notice me. I think he was too distracted by the 44 rolls of TP hanging from the trees. So, he gets out of the car and starts walking around the yard, pulling down all the TP and mumbling something under his breath. He was out there for a good 20 minutes trying to clean it up, all the while we're laying silently in the grass on opposite ends of the yard, sometimes just feet from him. Finally, he tore it all down...here was his fatal mistake: he threw it in a big pile, just outside the garage by the side of the house and went inside. We hated to see it all go to waste, so we stayed another 30 minutes and put it all back up, plus hung the additional 4 roles we hadn't yet used.

Public Announcement

2006-09-11T22:48:00.000-06:00

I think one of the best purchases I ever made was a $40 CB radio with a PA option, and a $14 bullhorn speaker that I inconspicuously placed behind the grill of my '86 Chevy Nova. I know, that's a lot of numbers - all you need to remember is that it's illegal. But it brought hours of fun, many laughs, and no felonies (thankfully). One time, I was on a date and we went to Garden of the Gods Park. Not to walk around or enjoy the scenery, but to use my PA system. It was about 10:30PM, I pulled the car up to a trailhead and killed the headlights. Then, in a calm voice, I got on the PA and said, "Thanks for visiting Garden of the Gods Park. The park is now closed. Anyone remaining in the park will receive a $300 fine. Thank you." It wasn't but 10 seconds later, we see a group of teenagers running up the trail towards our car in the parking lot. They didn't think it was as funny as we did. Probably the most illegal use of the PA was in the car on the highway when my roommate was making police-siren sounds and people were actually pulling over. The next thing we knew, we were being pulled over. When the officer approached the car she said, "Do you know why I'm pulling you over?" We were scared spitless and said we weren't sure why....thankfully, she had not heard the PA but only noticed that one of my friends didn't have a seat belt on. WHEW! That's called "Impersonating a Police Officer" and I think I could have done time. On another occassion, I pulled up to a busy gas station and announced, "Thanks for filling up at Diamond Shamrock. Free coffee with every fill up today!" I'm sure the clerk had some explaining to do when customers requested their free coffee. It was amazing that people didn't think twice and just assumed what they were hearing was the loud speaker at the gas station. Yes, many fond memories. I also enjoyed playing tricks on co-workers. For example, after work one day I was getting into my car ready to leave when I saw a fellow co-worker walking out the front door. She had her arms full with various bags and crap she was brining home from work. So, I got on the PA and said, "Barbara, you have a call at the front desk, Barbara, front desk." You could tell she didn't want to turn around and go back inside - she'd barely been able to open the door the first time with all the things she was carrying. But, like any good employee, she turned around and went back in. Less than a minute later, she was coming out again, fumbling with all her stuff. Another opportunity: "Barbara - please report to the front desk. Barbara" This time, she was ticked - you could see it on her face, but she turned around and went back inside. Finally, the third time as I was making another announcement, she was downright upset. She looked around, and spotted me in my car just a few feet in front of her. The funny thing is there wasn't even an outdoor intercom system...but she fell for it. Good times. I'm a jerk.

Step Up: I'm ready!

2006-08-25T21:27:00.000-06:00

My brother and I used to fight a lot and when I say "fight" I don't mean bickering, I mean Fight Club type fight. You see, we are only 15 months apart so we've always been very close. However, at one point, my brother was about 6'4", 260 lbs and 1% body fat when he was playing football. I, on the other hand, was about 5'6", 90lbs with no body or fat. So, it was hardly ever a real even playing field. One day in elementary school (I was in 2nd, he was in 4th grade) we decided to fight out on the playground before school. Now, understand that kids would gather around and watch as my brother and I squared off. Most of my fans would continue cheering even though I was laying on the ground in crazy pain. I wanted to show them that I could win occassionally. Fun times. Anyway, this cold winter day, we resorted to fighting again, but I decided this was my day. I was set in my mind that I would beat him and all my friends would cheer. I let him throw a few punches and then I socked him right in the mouth with my winter gloves on (the kind that smell funny on the inside when they get wet). He went down instantly! But, I pretty much knew that would happen since I had slipped a handful of cold rocks into the knuckles of my gloves. I think I got a little bruise on my finger when the rocks crushed against his front teeth. Anyway, right as he fell to the ground, the teacher blew the whistle and all the kids lined up to go to class....except my brother laying in the middle of the baseball field face down, covering his face. Maybe he was thinking if he held the spot where his front teeth used to be it might stop bleeding...it's hard to say. Finally, he got up and made some threatening remark to me. I don't know...I really couldn't understand him with his new lisp. Looking back, I should have thought it through a little better and positioned the rocks so they wouldn't hurt my fingers.

Okay, so here it is....CHAD BLEW MY COVER!

2006-08-22T12:21:00.000-06:00

Well, after quiting my job and the "unnamed" publishing company, I went to school for real estate. I just finished the class a week ago, and today I took my official national and state exams to be licensed in Colorado....and I PASSED! Yippee! Thanks for all of your who have been encouraging me through this venture - it feels good to have it completed and moving onto the next step (which is actually APPLYING for my license and making sure the FBI doesn't find out anything too serious when they're doing my background check).
Anyway, I still have some days of being unemployed in my future as I work out all the details, but passing the exam was a huge step.

Garden Massacre

2006-08-10T22:51:00.000-06:00

When I was young (probably about 5 years old) my brother and I were outside playing in my great grandpa's garden. As he worked the dirt with his hoe, he suddenly stopped and called us over, "Come here boys!" We ran over and saw a small snake - it was the first time I had ever seen a snake and I was pretty excited. Both my brother and I fearlessly crouched down to get a good look at it. As we were mesmerized by the incredible creature, the hoe suddenly came down and chopped its head off followed by, "Those are bad for grandpa's garden". It was fairly traumatizing and playing in the garden wasn't so special after that. Thanks grandpa.

Mary's meat sauce...and other things I wasn't interested in.

2006-08-07T22:44:00.000-06:00

When I first moved into my townhouse I was 19 years old and my neighbor next door was a middle-aged woman who was single and looking for a nice young man....much younger. I apparently fit the role well. But it wasn't a mutual interest. You see, I'm too nice sometimes and one day I offered to help her with something. After that, me and my roommate became her "handymen". We hung curtain rods, changed light bulbs, carried in groceries, moved furniture, fixed her computer, etc. Once we had done our chores, she "rewarded" us with a special gift - frozen, homemade spaghetti sauce in ziploc bags. I sort of felt like Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer. We were always a little worried about the contents, so we never actually indulged in our parting gifts. Yeah, they went straight to the trash. Anyway, we continued to help her with various things until she started making comments in her grogly smoker voice, "If I was 30 years younger..." although we never got to hear how that phrase ended because Mary would begin to laugh, and then start a hacking-cough from years of smoking. On the days she wasn't feeling as forward, she'd tell us about her drinking problem and start crying - then (of course) "Come give me a big hug" and she would embrace us like a Katrina victim being air-lifted from their rooftop by a rescue party. Finally, she found a nice live-in-boyfriend (Rafael) at AA and she didn't need our assistance anymore. One Saturday morning, they came over and told us how much they appreciated us as neighbors and asked us if we wanted to have a BBQ that afternoon on the community lawn. It seemed a little strange, but we accepted. He was going to bring the beer (they both left AA after meeting eachother) and we were going to provide the burgers. Anyway, a few hours later, we saw them driving away with a truckload of stuff. We figured they'd be back in time for the BBQ in a few hours, but we never saw them again.

Contradiction?

2006-08-01T17:04:00.000-06:00

Does it seem odd to anyone else that when we were kids, we could ride our bikes in the street all day without helments or sunscreen, yet we had to come in when it started getting dark because it wasn't "safe"?

Near Death Experience for Chuck E Cheese

2006-07-24T23:00:00.000-06:00

It's every parents nightmare. They ask their kids what they want to do for their birthday and the "precious little children" opt to go to Chuck E Cheese Pizza. I know how much parents hate it - from personal experience. I use to work there and one of my main duties was hosting birthday parties. I was their personal host for an hour and a half. It was awful. The parents were more than likely grumpy as the realization hit them they would be spending much more than planned for little Jimmy's special day. It's bad enough just to take your kids there and have them yelling and screaming and whining for more tokens. What's even worse is having 20 other peoples' kids there. It never ended. It was one Exedrin headache after another. One of my duties was dressing up in the Chuck E costume and walking around hugging the kids. Ironic isn't it? At furry rat making up for love their parents never gave them. Anyway, that usually wasn't too bad, until some brat came up to me with what I thought was a friendly handshake, only to find out that he secretly mashed his chewing gum into my furry paw. I was also punched in the crotch more times than you can imagine. But, I had passive-aggressive ways to get revenge on the little twerps. Like the time I was walking down the isle, leading a train of about 20 children, marching happily along through the dining room. Unfortunately, Chuck E's shoes are about five times as big as mine and a little trickier to walk in. Consequently, the overly large red shoe caught on a chair and sent me tumbling to the floor. The train of children suddenly came to a screeching halt as Chuck E's head rolled down the isle and his body lay limp next to the tipped-over chair. Their happy little smiling faces instantly became hardened with fear, for Chuck E may have died in their minds at that moment. But, I knew the death of Chuck E would be far too traumatic for these small, virgin eyes. So, I slowly slithered along the floor on my furry belly until I reached my jumbo sized head. As I looked more closely, I realized the horrific fall had broken off the two front teeth from Chuck E's plastic face and cracked the left ear. But these were the least of my concerns - I had to pull through...for the children. I couldn't stop now; I must show them that Chuck E lives! So, I slipped the head back on, stood up quickly, and with my plastic smile and missing teeth, confidently continued my joyous march around the dining room. That's one birthday those children will always remember.

Times we made mom cry

2006-07-22T12:24:00.001-06:00

My family often went camping 4-5 times each summer when I was younger. One year, we went to a spot just up the mountain from Vail, CO. My brother and I had wondered up into the forest and had been playing up there for hours. You see, we found a tree that had fallen over onto a rock so we walked up the tree, then grabbed the top of a nearby aspen tree and jumped. I think it was a good 20-30 feet down, but aspen trees tend to be very flexible, so the strength of the tree's resistance made it "safe". What can I say -we were boys, about 12 & 13 years old at that point. I honestly can't believe I survived my childhood. Anyway, as the sun went down we decided we better start making our way back to camp. We couldn't believe how quickly it was getting dark and before we knew it, it was pitch black. So, we wondered down the mountain until we finally hit a road, realizing we were still quite a ways from our campsite. As we're walking up the road, suddenly a man (whom we've never met) comes running toward us and asks in a half-scared, half-angry voice, "ARE YOU CHAD AND TOBY!?!?" This was the point we knew we were going to be in trouble. When we finally made it back to our campsite with the escort of Mr Perky McFinderson, my dad was around the picnic table with the park ranger and other concerned campers and my mom was in the tent crying. Whoops. I guess they hadn't heard yet that we were alive. All kids make their moms cry - Clay Aiken's mom probably cries everyday. Thankfully my brother and I tried to not "bring on the waterworks" too often.

Stuntmen - make that stuntman

2006-07-05T18:35:00.000-06:00

In response to my brother's comment on "Hair Care Holiday", let me further explain the laundry basket and staircase game. Basically, we were risk-takers growing up. He was the risk, and I was the taker. I would say we were stuntmen, but it was actually just me who did the stunts, so I guess it's just stuntman. Being a very small child, I decided to show my brother (Chad) how cool it was that I could actually fit into our laundry basket. I got in, closed the lid and was so proud of my new talent. As I climbed out, Chad said, "Wow - that's really cool! Show me again" Like a moron, I climbed back in, closed the lid - but this time Chad held the lid down and picked up the basket. I was laughing, not knowing I was now the candidate for "today's stunt". He then carefully set the basket at the top of the staircase and said, "Don't move". Unfortunately, half the basket was hanging off the stairs and my weight was not distributed evenly. Within a matter of seconds, I was tipping toward the staircase (about 20 stairs). It was actually fun for the first tenth of a second - then the basket hit the fifth stair down and shot me out like a biscuit from those pressurized cans. I believe I got some pretty good air before I hit the 12th stair, and finally the wall at the bottom of the landing. Chad thought I was perhaps dead as it took me a minute to orient myself and readjust my eyeglasses. He was laughing pretty hard, but deep down I think he felt bad.
I've sketched a rough rendering of the event called "The Laundry Basket and Staircase Game" for your enjoyment.

Hair Care Holiday

2006-06-26T18:08:00.000-06:00

People have commented, "Oh, you cut your hair?!" Yes. Thank you. I know that's some people's way of not telling me it looks awful. Thank you again. Anyway, as I thought back to my childhood, I realized the trauma my hair has caused me. Just off the top of my head I can think of 3 specific instances that could drive me to this new look:
(1) when I was about 5 years old, my brother decided the sun-heated, pliable, hot tar from the street would be fun to add to my blonde hair. It was not fun and my mother gave me an unexpected hair cut while my brother cried in the corner
(2) When I was about 8, the minimum wage employee at SuperCuts was giving me the then trendy flattop haircut. Apparently, she wasn't totally familiar with operation of her instruments and created a quarter-sized bald spot on the side of my head. Somehow, she made it perfectly round and then that one spot got sunburned. About a week later, I was at the doctor and he immediately suggested we run tests on this unusaul mark on my head. Not funny.
(3) I went to some beautician lady when I was about 13 and she told me I had the perfect hair for a perm. Can you imagine me with tight blonde curls? I'm afraid I might look something like Jonny Fairplay and that's definitely something we all want to avoid.
You can clearly see the trauma I've experienced. Plus, this new look allows me to wake up at 7:42 and still make it to work by 8:00. I'm sure you understand the importance of this.
Anyone's free to rub my head for good luck.

Those pennies sure do add up!

2006-06-26T17:34:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I just got back from a family reunion. You'll notice that I'm gambling - pretty much becuase that was one of the few things to do in Des Moines, IA. Unfortantely, I was playing .02 cent slots, so the 1350 credits was a total of $27. It didn't last long... I also made some bets at the horse race track, but I lost before I could even figure out what was happening. That was fun.

It was fun to see everyone, and I had lots of time to think about life in general on the 12-hour drive (each way). One last picture: my cousins Chris, Kim and me (I'm not sure who's beers those are). Anyway, I'm still here - more to come soon.

Things are heatin up - inside and outside

2006-06-13T23:34:00.000-06:00

Aaahh, the sights and sounds of Spring are here. Just the other day, I saw two bunnies riding eachother like the nickel-pony at the grocery store. After researching what I saw, I learned that a female rabbit is called a doe, a male rabbit is called a buck.
Very interesting.
Anyway, now that it's getting hot (I'm talking about the weather now, not the bunny love), I decided I needed another fan for my house. You see, only about 40% of homes in my city have A/C. Usually, our weather isn't unbearable and you can stay cool by simply opening the windows. Yeah, whatever. So, I went to the Sharper Image and picked up the Unbreakable Fan. It brags on the box that it's shatter proof. Is this really a serious problem that consumers are facing - their fans shattering? I couldn't say that's ever crossed my mind. I've seen lots of things in my life (like bunnies mating) but I've never seen a fan shatter....hmmm...Thankfully, I've side-stepped that landmine with my new purchase.
Yeah, this blog really wasn't about anything. I just wanted you to know I'm still alive.

Refreshing Turkey Legs!

2006-05-28T17:58:00.001-06:00

Every holiday weekend gives us a reason to party - Memorial Day, St Patrick's Day, July 4th, Yom Kippur, etc. There are always plenty of festivals, parades, and events to occupy our time off work. And for some reason, when we get out in the hot sun, our senses are dulled and our judgment is impaired. I know this because I watch people line up and pay for overpriced turkey legs and giant pickles. Neither one of these is something I would consider a "refreshing snack". Maybe it's just me, but the last thing I'm thinking on a hot summer day is, "boy could I use a giant, hot turkey leg." Have you ever seen a marathon runner finish the race and head for the grill for a turkey leg? or a sunbather enjoying a day at the beach and crack open the cooler for a warm piece of poultry? No (unless you live in Alabama). So what makes them so tempting at carnivals and festivals? Someone needs to take a stand for all mankind and proudly say, "that's filthy disgusting."

Grills - not just for cars and cooking

2006-05-08T20:00:00.000-06:00

So, as you know, I have opinions about lots of stuff. Here's a new one for ya - "Grills". These are actually custom-fit jewelry that somehow we've brainwashed some American citizens to not only buy, but wear over their teeth in public. Grills slip on over your teeth, but do absolutely nothing for the health of your teeth, in fact, it's recommended that you only wear them for 3 hours at a time. You can't have them in to eat, sleep, or brush your teeth. You can purchase these stunning freakshow trinkets anywhere from $100 to over $1,000. One site offers them in everything from 10k gold, to Platinum. I've thought of some potential ways these may change our society:

1) no more need for bicycle reflectors - just smile if you're about to get hit by a car
2) "It was so romantic - he got down on one knee, smiled, and asked me to marry him with a 14k grill"
3) Criminal mugshots will be less recognizable because of the glare from their grills
4) As if rap music isn't bad enough, now we're going to hear feedback in the microphone from their teeth jewelry
5) Eminem has something else to spend his money on...what's next?...maybe his children...

Jesus Loves Porn Stars

2006-05-04T22:40:00.000-06:00

Well, I have to say, NavPress is certainly "reaching new markets". After Amercian Bible Society backed out of their agreements, NavPress is now making arrangements to publish the Message Bible with a bright yellow and pink cover that simply says, "Jesus Loves Porn Stars". The Bible will be handed out at adult porn conventions by xxxchurch.com. Some people are truly offended by this, but the fact is it's true! No, Jesus doesn't love what they're doing or what they support, but He still has an unconditional love for them.
Check out Beliefnet.com for more information or xxxchurch.com to order your own copy.

If I had a birthday party and could invite all my friends, it would mostly be flight attendants, rental car counter personnel, and TSA agents.

2006-04-25T20:00:00.000-06:00

Well, another fun trip. Have I mentioned my love for travel? I figured I spent about 120 nights in hotels last year for work, not including personal travel. So far, about 40 this year. Tonight, I’m staying at an old favorite – the Hampton Inn Peabody (see this past blog for a recap of my last visit here). It was quite a adventure getting into Boston. THIRFTY Rental Car decided to rent the car I had booked with my reservation. So, AVIS was the next choice and all they had were minivan’s and Cadillac’s. My “inner geezer” chose the Caddy. So, I’m pimpin’ through Boston in my Caddy, looking like a possible dealer – or just a pimp. Tomorrow, it’s off to the airport for a 7:30 AM flight to Nashville (5:30 Colorado time). Most of you aren’t even up then – slackers.
I know travel is beginning to take a toll on my sanity when I start watching TV shows like Dog the Bounty Hunter and sumo wrestling on ESPN. Plus, when I’m home I miss the warm glow from the emergency orange-nightlite coming from the wall mounted hairdryer in the bathroom and the sheets tucked in so tight on the bed that I can’t feel my legs after 15 minutes. Only on the road my friends. Let me know if there’s something else you’d rather hear me complain about. I’m always up for suggestions.

Things that work - things that don't

2006-04-11T20:15:00.001-06:00

Before you travel, let's review a list of both things that work in your hotel room, and things that don't:
THINGS THAT DON'T:
1) In-room iron
It will simply leak all over your clothes that you can't really press anyway thanks to the fine-quality Sunbeam irons that the hotel so thoughtfully selects for their premier guests.
2) Alarm Clock
Bring your own - despite your best efforts, you'll never be able to set these to actually go off at the right time
3) Key Card Locked Doors
Insert = Red light - dangit. Insert again = Red light - piece of... Insert again = YELLOW LIGHT!! what the *** does yellow mean?
4) Hot tub
Sorry for the inconvenience, but you've chosen to stay with us for the week that our hot tub is under major repairs.
5) Under-window temperature control unit
You have two options: off or on. Recommended: crank it up and cook for a while, then shut off to freeze.
NOW, THINGS THAT DO WORK:
1) In-room Iron
looks like the iron works after all. I just got a 3rd degree burn, but it still won't take the wrinkles out of my clothes
2) Alarm Clock
wow, that works too. apparently it has a dual alarm feature and the funny guy before set it to go off at 2:17 AM
3) Key Car Locked Doors
sure enough...I just closed my door without the key and it's securely locked. I guess it's time for a trip to the front desk in my pajamas.
4) Fire Alarm
blazing loud and clear - definitely works, except that it leaves me disabled in my room with a heart attack, left to burn
5) TV Remote
well, the volume up works, but I can't get it turned back down

Really - you're missing out on the glamour if you don't travel.

Lost and gone forever

2006-03-31T22:53:00.000-07:00

So, if you know me very well at all or work with me on a regular basis (and, yes, I probably have your phone number memorized) you know that I travel all the time. I'm also extremely hard to reach or make any sort of contact with. All that said, my brother created an unique but honest out-of-office reply for my email:

Sorry I missed you, I am never in the office, in fact I would need a map just to find the office, so of course you missed me. Rumor has it my family has sent pictures of me for milk cartons and postcards.

I am currently on a (Choose one: plane, train, automobile, ship, space shuttle) and will be spending the night at a hotel in (name a location in North America) which I will be available between 12-3 as I sleep, but I have meetings immediately before and after, following that I will be back in a (Choose one: plane, train, automobile, ship, space shuttle) until my next (chose one: sale meeting; sales training, vendor visit, client visit, or my (name of the place I am at) girlfriends house) after which you can reach me (go back to the beginning)

Your best hope of ever catching me is calling a random stewardess at the main airline hubs in the country, where they all know me by name and may also be my (name of a location in North America) girlfriend. Don’t bother calling me on the cell phone as I can never answer it and the voice mail is always full. Forget emailing me despite the fact I have four computers at my disposal - I never have time to use any of them. But you can read my blog and check out my website if you have forgotten what I look like or would like to pretend I am talking to you so you can engage in my great sense of humor.

Do not use this email as an invitation to rob my house just because I am not there - all my mail and money go to my parents house and I don’t have any time to spend my money and buy things anyway. Despite the fact I work 80 hours a week I actually don’t make that much money either. So unless you are offering a new job with less hours and better pay forget trying to get hold of me. Please just close your eyes and remember the times we used to have together and the man I used to be.

Thanks,
Toby (the machine)
(***) ***-**** [cell] (not that it's going to help you anyhow)

I found my desk - it's gray.

2006-03-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

Many of you will be pleased to know I cleaned up my desk. That's right - cleaned. I've recovered some important items that have been lost for years. Apparently, I've been getting some magazines I didn't know about that were burried under piles of stuff. Also, thanks so much to all of you who sent Christmas cards in 2003 - they were lovely. Unfortunately, one item which I always thought was a stuffed-plush toy left by a caring coworker turned out to just be a clod of dust that had collected in the corner.I've also returned all employee dishes to the kitchen, found some coffee mugs, and a Starbucks gift certificate. As you look at the pictures, notice a few things: there's a large silver calculator on the desk in the first picture just above the top of the chair. Yes, it's a calculator and it's almost as big as my computer. Thanks to my coworkers who think I'm suffering from farsightedness. Also, note there's a dart board for when I'm on the phone with boring customers (not you Ruth, of course), and Mr. Potatoe Head is always watching me work (probably bugged with hidden cameras so management can watch me). I'm a "pile" type guy - everything looks disorganized to you, but I know what's in each pile (with the exception of that gift certificate and a few other crucial, highly-sensitive papers). Finally, here's the new office....
...we'll see how long it lasts.

I should have said something...before I started screaming

2006-03-22T22:40:00.000-07:00

Like everyone, I have my....quarks. Perhaps one of the more disturbing would be the fact that occassionally I'll wake up screaming at night. I usually try to warn new roommates or coworkers if we're traveling together, but sometimes I just forget. I've been told that I "scream like a 4th grade girl at recess". Seems natural. I've scarred more than one person with these sudden bursts of terror. Usually, my dreams aren't really that scarry. You see, the way I describe it is this: some people have dreams that make them twitch a little, perhaps snort really loud, or even wake up breathing a little faster - I just sit up screaming. Simple. I often wake myself up as well, and then laugh it off and go back to sleep. However, it seems to keep my roommates up for a while longer. One roommate actually thought he heard a mountain lion outside, but no, it was me. I've had hotel security called on me once - I'm sure the folks next door thought someone was being murdered. Did I mention I talk too? Yes, I do. Crazy things about random things, but it all makes sense in my head. Once, I was camping with some friends and had gone to bed early. When my buddy came into the tent late that night, after zipping it up, he turned around only to be nose-to-nose with me. According to him, my eyes were open and I said, "Hey man, did you find your shoe?". Then, I just flopped back down onto my sleeping bag. I guess it was a little strange. I don't know - I don't remember it. Anyway, let this be your fair warning: if you're ever my roommate, neighbor, or in the same hotel as me, just make sure you hear me laughing after the scream and you'll know I'm alrgiht. And please - don't call security. That's embarrassing. All that said, feel free to analyze your own dreams.

"And they named it COSMIX"

2006-03-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

My patience for traffic is minimal at best. Now the city is working on a project to widen the Interstate. You know it's going to be bad when they give the project a name (COSMIX) and create a website. This website is filled with reasons you'll be late for work, as well as traffic cams of people just like you sitting in traffic. Yes, everything you could want, from which exits are closed to downloadable maps of detour routes. I'll be sure to print those out and keep them handy in my car. It's a simple way for the city to say, "We're going to be doing this construction for a very long time." Of course, you wouldn't want to miss any of the excitement, so they've decreased the speed limit to 45 as well. That way, everyone can get a good, long look at the workers pushing dirt around. Please join us for the completion party in the year 2030.

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

2006-03-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

How about just brushing your teeth in the morning?

2006-03-06T23:48:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, a product comes along that causes us all to pause and ask why. If there's ever been a room full of product designers that decided to invent the dumbest product they could just to see how many people would flock to buy it, this is it. I'm sure they sit and laugh at consumer stupidity while we 'try new things' and they see sales increase. Seriously, please tell me that you have never purchased Brush Ups. The TV commercials alone should have been your first warning as grown adults dance around town with this rubber finger puppet used to brush their teeth. I really don't want to see anyone brushing their teeth in public, and especially with some mock-tooth-brillo pad (or textured teeth wipes as they call them). Thankfully, they've warned consumers in the product features that the "Comfortable, slip-on design fits most finger sizes". You know we'll be seeing a lawsuit for this in a year or so - some fat guy loses a finger when his circulation is cut off by his newfangled textured tooth wipe. You see, part of the genius of a toothbrush is that you don't have to stick your fingers in your mouth. I swear, if you're ever out with me and you 'rip one open', the evening is over.

I think I con myself most of the time

2006-02-28T22:58:00.000-07:00

Well, you're probably tired of hearing my travel stories so let's change gears - shopping misfortunes. I think I often con myself into bad purchases. A great example: Columbia House. Folks, this has never really been a good deal yet I (and others) continually take advantage of this "incredible special". You get the little flier or email showing you a great deal - 8 CD's for a penny! How can you go wrong?!? I read the fine print everytime, like I don't know that you have to buy 4 more at regular price (I'm not sure where they're getting this "regular price" because it's close to what I'd spend for the CD player itself, let alone a single disc). So, I sign up. Yes, BMG, Columbia House CD, Columbia House DVD, etc, etc - they're all just waiting for suckers like myself. A few weeks later, you've got a whole box of new DVD's for just pennies. Now the real fun starts: don't forget to send the reply card back or you'll get the editor's pick of the month - the "featured selection". I think the next logical question is, "Who is this guy and why is he picking these movies"? You know, the classics like Hair Show, The Mexican (aka Brad Pitt's compromise), and Jingle All the Way (ditto for Arnold). The next thing you know, these are showing up in your mailbox as your first clue that you apparently trashed the reply card about two weeks ago. Then, the box is designed just right so you can't actually see what the DVD is until you open it. You try pulling up the window flap just enough to not tear the box for non-returnable status, but enough to see what Mr. Very Unsavvy editor has sent you next. Finally, you get so frustrated and rip it open - DING - sale for Columbia House DVD. Not just any sale - a "regular price" sale which means you just paid $25 for a DVD. 1 down, 3 to go! Hurry and get your last 3 (for one, you've got a deadline and they're going to charge you anyway) because once you meet your membership criteria, you'll unlock special savings as a valued-customer. You poor, sorry sap. Don't worry - when you're done with this commitment, you can always sign up again! Anyway, click here to get started.

"Days Inn: Just A Gunshot Away!"

2006-02-21T18:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I make poor decisions. About 2 weeks ago, I booked a room for 2 nights at the Days Inn in Nashville (on West End Ave). That was a bad decision. Right now, I'm dealing with the consequences of my bad decision - night #2. Mental Note: Sometimes it's worth paying a little more to stay alive and free of diseases. In honor of this smashing hotel, I've created a Top 10 list for your enjoyment and my sanity:
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE DAYS INN:
10) Could you shut the drapes? The neon lights from the gentleman's club are really bright
9) Good thing they patched that leak in the ceiling - this mattress can't hold much more water
8) Those dead bugs really help block the draft coming in through the window
7) Thanks for helping us conserve water by hanging your towel on the bathroom door if we can use it again for another guest
6) Feel free to use the chair in your room to prop under the door handle while you sleep.
5) The gunshots are much further away than they sound
4) My hands are filthy - all I did was pull back the shower curtain
3) Park anywhere you want on our property - it's a guessing game which car will get broken into tonight
2) If someone knocks on your door claiming to be housekeeping, it's a trick - we don't have housekeeping
AND NUMBER ONE....
1) Sorry, no vacancy. All rooms are being used by the Nashville PD for surveillance

Newly Renovated: FREE FUMES!

2006-02-14T16:51:00.000-07:00

If you're looking to travel to Boston, may I suggest the newly renovated Hampton Inn in Peabody. Conveniently located off Route 1, this once trashy, dump off the highway has been remodeled. Yes, it's certainly a privledge to stay here now - they must have just finished painting and laying carpet before I walked in. There's the overbearing smell of new carpet glue (similar to the toxic fumes that escape when you burn plastic in the campfire), combined with a refreshing hint of paint. I was going to go out and get some dinner, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to operate heavy machinery after being in this room more than 1 hour. If I slip into a coma, come get my body in Rm 523 (wear your grubbies - don't want to get paint on your church clothes).
I'll just keep touching my fingertip to my nose and saying the alphabet backwards to make sure the fumes aren't affecting me too much.

Embarrassing Photos: Part 1

2006-02-09T21:36:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh, the 80's. Okay, 1987 to be exact. I was in 3rd grade and apparently cowboy shirts and fluffy flattop hair was "in". Of course, there is always the possibility that neither of these cutting edge fashions were "in", but that was my life. The sad news is, this was picture day so I probably looked better than usual. Obviously, I didn't bother getting a hair cut - I guess I was just so excited about picture day at school that I didn't bother. Some people commented at this point in my life, I looked like IceMan from the popular movie, Top Gun.
I used to whistle while I walked - not for fun, or even on purpose. It just happened when the air blew through the large holes where my teeth used to be. Thankfully, I still had my rabbit teeth up front. Memories.

Party Tricks

2006-02-05T13:17:00.000-07:00

As you can tell, I have a fairly large mouth and during a New Years party at my house in 1997, I thought I would be "festive" by putting 97 pretzel sticks in my mouth to celebrate the new year. Then, I figured since I had 97, I might as well go for 100. I failed to think through the consequences of having my lips wrapped around 100 salty pretzel sticks. Plus, my mouth was watering and there was really no way to control the constant stream of drool goozing through the pretzels and running down my chin. My mouth was dry for the rest of the night and my lips were burning. The upside: I didn't need salt on the brim of my margarita's for the rest of the night.

Isn't it Ironic, Don't ya think...a little to-o i-ronic

2006-02-03T22:42:00.000-07:00

well, the title isn't very original (and it's actually copyrighted as well) but the fact of the matter is this: I decided to create this blog so I would have something to keep me entertained on the road while I travel. However, now I'm not having time to blog because...that's right - i'm traveling. Hmmmm.
I just got back from Canada. It was cold - like God was punshing me for something stupid I've done. The only thing stupid that I could think of....was going to Canada. Actually, it was a great trip and we had lots of fun. You can see some pictures if you want. We went to Edmonton for a large conference and then up to Jasper for a day off.
I've given my most deep and sincere apologies to Ruth for not blogging, and now, I officially offer them to the rest of you.
NEXT TRIP: Grand Rapids, MI
NUMBER OF NIGHTS: 1
LEVEL OF EXCITEMENT: 0
FUN THINGS TO DO IN GR: 1 - leave
BEST TIME TO VISIT: Night, there's nothing to see anyway
OVERALL RATING: better than Detroit

This just in: I'm still alive

2006-01-15T22:25:00.000-07:00

I've been lost in the mountains for weeks - that's why I haven't blogged! Okay, maybe not. I really have no excuse. It's kind of like taking out my trash - I just didn't get around to it until people started to worry. No, I've been a complete slacker. Last week, I went to Hershey, PA and Chicago, IL and just got back yesterday. I love going to Chicago because I know each time that if I drive in Chicago traffic and live to tell about it, God has a very special plan for my life. Anyway, it was a business trip, but lots of fun too. Then, today I went hiking in the beautiful Rocky Mountains (hence the picture). I will post more later - I'm not really feeling creative right now, but due to the comments, I felt it necessary to confirm that I was indeed alive.

Things aren't always as they seem

2005-12-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

Poor Kermit - he's got a long road ahead

If you don't quite get it, look for Big Bird sitting around the table....

The Art of Bachelorhood

2005-12-17T22:53:00.000-07:00

Here's just a glimps of my life as a bachelor. Someone pointed out to me the other day that it seems the only people who really read and comment on my blog are women...hmmmm. Anyways, I knew this picture would be appauling to most of you so I posted it. You see, as a bachelor there are some things I just don't care about. The beauty of being single and living alone is that it doesn't really matter what I do (or don't do, like take out the trash). This picture actually provides lots of information about me: I like Gatorade, I buy generic breakfast cereal (for dinner), Hotpockets (also for dinner), small cartons of milk (which usually spoil before I use them), and I recently received a UPS package (I don't remember what it was). Any bachelor will tell you that the art of "trash configuration" is an important one. I owe much of it to my years of playing Tetris. One crucial key to this art: notice the sturdy papers coming out of the right side of the trash can - these provide the support needed to hold extra items OUTSIDE of the trash can, literally buying me days that I can stall taking the trash out. Now, let's sing to the tune of the Hokey-Pokey, "You put the sturdy paper in ... and you let the sides hang out ... you put the bottles on top ... so you don't have to take it out...." There you go - that's me (sorry mom).

Concerned Church Member

2005-12-10T17:14:00.000-07:00

okay, you've got to check this out - I was going to just post it on my site, but I want you to check out CJ's blog. Anyway, go to "Worship complainer - the REMIX!" post and check out the recording. You have to listen to the 2 recordings in order - first, is the actual voice mail left by this concerned member of the church, then, listen to the Remixed version. It's good stuff - definitely will make you laugh!
Worship complainer - the REMIX!

Save a friendship - pick a different gift

2005-12-06T19:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm not up on "what's cool" anymore, because this animatronics monkey is not only unappealing as a Christmas gift, it actually concerns me. Concerns me that <1> someone that calls themself a friend would buy this <2> someone who is the friend would want this. It's available through Sharper Image for a mere $149. The marketing copy actually says, ' "Alive" Chimpanzee can see, hear and feel in ways that allow him to interact intelligently with you, your family, your guests...and with baffled strangers.' Let's break that down: "see, hear and feel in ways..." stop there. It's a piece of metal wrapped in highly-flammable fur that you plug into your wall. I don't think there's a whole lot of personality there. Next, "allow him to interact intelligently with you..."If my children are interacting intelligently with this, they either need a special school or special medication. Finally, "and with baffled strangers." This I can understand. Enough said.
Certainly, the fact that his eyes look hauntingly real, his teeth look like he's been smoking for years, and "his skin reacts to contact with touch sensors all around" this is an automated nightmare waiting to happen. Someone should be fired.

"Even my boogers are spicy"

2005-12-05T23:24:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, a classic line from Ralph (Ralphie) Wiggum after he gets sprayed with pepper spray. Yes, that's right - I'm a huge Simpsons fan and some Christians would call me a terrible person because I watch the show. I hear parents talk about their kids watching the Simpsons and say, "That's not good for our children." My response: eating Snickers Bars and drinking Pepsi isn't good for them either, but that's sure not slowing them down from shoveling that crap down their throats all day long. Anyway, I'm pretty much giving strong hints of what I'd like for Christmas - the complete 7th season is in stores on DVD DEC 13, just in time for Christmas. What do you get a guy who has everything? The gift of humor (i.e. the Simpsons 7th season on DVD). In fact, one of my favorite books is the Gospel According to the Simpsons. If you haven't read it, you need to check it out. You may be surprised by the background and thinking of the writers of this show - it's actually pretty brilliant. Click on the banner above to check out the Simpson characters, episode guides, and the Simpsons store for more gifts for me.

MMMM...what's in this? My body is telling me it's not natural.

2005-11-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

okay, so if you've been reading my blog you know I'm probably not the best cook...no, in fact I don't really cook much past grilled cheese. But grilled cheese beats many things in my opinion. Case and point: the picture of the beans above which look like their hatching larva. AHHH - I feel a story coming on: One time, at band camp...(wait - that's a different story). One time, in high school, I was babysitting for this family. I rode home with them from school and the mom fixed dinner before they left. I was downstairs playing with the 5 kids (yeah, 5) and this awful odor began waffing downstairs. It smelled like hot, dog-poo on a grill, topped with something worse than curry. I thought to myself, "Surely that's not dinner - the disposal must have backed up, or she's changing the baby. Not dinner." But soon enough, the kids and I found out that we were being treated to canned beans mixed with hot dog chunks. I'm telling you, these weren't normal beans. They must have been generic beans from the discount rack that she bought just before the can exploded from botulism. What is botulism? Click on the beans above and read up, it's an exciting disease. Anyway, by the time dinner was ready the house was filled with this overwhelming smell that almost make me sick. I vividly remember as we prayed, I bowed my head toward my bowl and almost fainted. So, then I started reasoning with myself: "I'm sure it won't actually taste like what it smells like" and it didn't - it was worse. The first bite caused my body to involuntarily convulse. Long story short, I didn't chew. I just put it in my mouth and swallowed. That my friends, was perhaps the worst experience I've ever had with food.

Some people should just listen

2005-11-19T01:22:00.000-07:00

It seems that some people think just because they're at a Karaoke party (or bar, depending on your style), that the HAVE to sing. Let me set you straight - if you can't sing, it's not fun for anyone. A wise man once said, "Better to be thought of as a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt". Aaahhh, wise words. I think my favorite part about karaoke is that there are two kinds of people: drunk and sober. The drunk people lose their sense of tone, rhythm, and self respect. If these people could carry a tune at one time, all bets are off after a few adult beverages. Then, there's actually two types of sober people: "professional" singers who haven't quite made it and the only audience that can get to clap for them is a bunch of drunks, and then very confident people who don't care that they can't sing, but know they'll have a fighting chance against the drunk singers. It's really a vicious cycle of lose-lose for everyone within earshot. Okay, I guess there's one more type now that I think about it: the kind who know they can't sing, so they digress to physical humor like dancing on tables and getting down on one knee while they sing love songs to a very unimpressed female customer in the front row. It's like watching American Idol - some of them can REALLY sing, but the ones who can't...why haven't their friends told them? Certainly, there's validity in encouraging your friends, but if they can't sing and are about to humiliate themselves publicly (i.e. American Idol), maybe it's time you had a heart-to-heart, candid conversation with them first. Some people should just listen.